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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to not expect to be pushed around?

20 replies

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 07:43

last night, after washing the bedroom floor, sorting out all the bed linen, changing the bed, cleaning the bedroom, then preparing dinner, I jumped in the shower. When I got out, our toddler was crying, I told my husband who thought I was still upstairs, he had the tv on and earphones plugged into his laptop. After a lot of to and fro-ing he asked me to go, I was still wet and also it's that time of the month and I was just in a towel. Anyway, he wouldn't go, so I did and said "fucking useless" as I went up the stairs. He hates me swearing at him and would never speak to me like that, he is very respectful usually, unless I swear at him but his behaviour was fucking useless, sorry to have to point that out, husband dearest. So I settled our toddler, got dressed and came back downstairs to RAGE. He pushed me around and yelled about not speaking to him like that and pointed out what a good dad and husband he usually is. There was lots of yelling and pushing, I fought back, I'm never one to sit back and take being pushed around. But is he being unreasonable? I know he's usually a good husband, it's just his behaviour I was cussing, not him. But I dont think that's any way to go about gaining respect.

OP posts:

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 04/07/2012 07:47

there is no excuse for his pushing.

a proper response to you swearing would have been to talk to you about how it makes him feel.

oh and sod being a good husband. doesn't sound like it.

violence is never acceptable... have you got an exit plan? - start one now if not.

geegee888 · 04/07/2012 07:50

"He is very respectful usually unless I swear at him"

"gaining respect"

Stuff the "respect". Why couch this in terms more suited to a lord and master than your equal partner in a relationship? He used phsyical force against you when you dared to question him.

Quite appalling on his part. Usually isn't good enough.

ChasedByBees · 04/07/2012 07:51

He pointed out what a good husband he is by being violent? Not acceptable at all. I'd agree about an exit plan, I wouldn't stay with someone who pushed me.

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 07:52

I phoned womensvaid a few months back. The thought of leaving fills me with dread.

OP posts:

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 07:52

Women's aid.

OP posts:

geminitiger · 04/07/2012 08:18

Respect is earned. By being a real man and taking care of his family regardless of what a bad day he's had or what's on television etc etc. I think that you need to think about leaving OP, for your little one's sake as well as yours. I know that it's not an easy decision to make but can I ask why you're so scared to walk out on him? Tell me to mind my own business if you want. You sound like a strong woman and I hope that things get better for you.

DamselInTornDress · 04/07/2012 08:22

So he's done this before?

Phone women's aid again.

He doesn't sound like a good husband. He was plugged into his laptop in his own world ignoring his responsibilities at home.

Make that call.

Sirzy · 04/07/2012 08:24

Of course you shouldn't be pushed around. If it has already happened then please carefully think about getting out for your sake and the childrens sake.

ceeveebee · 04/07/2012 08:27

I think you ought to ask MN to move this thread to relationships where there are lots of knowledgeable posters with experience of dealing with domestic violence. They probably won't see this in AIBU.

Your DH is not a good husband. Good husbands do not push their wives around for whatever reason. You need some help to get out of this relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2012 08:28

"The thought of leaving fills me with dread."

And the thought of staying fills you with joy? Pushing and yelling is abusive behaviour and cannot be tolerated. Selfish behaviour is also unacceptable. If you've been driven to call women's aid before, this can't be a happy relationship. You deserve better and so do your children.

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 08:34

The thought fills me with dread because I've never had everything we have together, family, house..the thought of starting again with my son really fills me with dread after all we've built together. I've also never wanted to be a single parent as that's all I've ever known. I can't teach my son to be a man. And he's said before that I'd never leave with him, he's also got a lot of Law background and I'm so scared of losing my son. I'd die without him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 08:35

To clarify; I'd die without my son.

OP posts:

notyummy · 04/07/2012 08:40

I am not sure that your DH will be the role model for a good man tbh, from what you have said here.

Is this a one off? If so it merits the sternest possible ultimatum and him understanding that he will have to leave if he does it again. If it isn't a one off, then I would be looking to separate. Not a good place for a child to be.

Sirzy · 04/07/2012 08:41

Your husband certainly can't teach him how to be a man if he thinks pushing you around like that is acceptable. What happens when your son witnesses his temper?

You need to contact someone like women's aid and look into getting out with your son and getting some legal advice.

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 08:42

No, it's not a one off. It happens when the situation is exasperated and I end up swearing at him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Postmantwat · 04/07/2012 08:44

How do I get this moved to relationships? Many times I've pondered over him thinking bullying is acceptable and what he plans to teach his son.

OP posts:

Dawndonna · 04/07/2012 08:48

He may have a lot of law background, but so have other lawyers and generally people with violent/bullying tendencies don't get custody. Get out whilst you still can.
Teaching your son to be a man, means teaching him to respect people, that's all. Everyone is capable of that.

TheHappyHissy · 04/07/2012 14:58

A good woman can teach her son how to treat women.

The 'person' you married as you describe him.... CAN'T

He is a lazy entitled bully, he is neglectful of YOU, and of his son. You are entitled to a ffing shower FFS, and HE needs to step up and be responsible as needed.

You need to seriously think about what this environment is doing to you and to your son.

You need to give serious thought to getting out and saving your son from a lifetime of recovery from this toxic upbringing

ceeveebee · 04/07/2012 17:31

postman I asked MN to move this for you, I hope this is ok. It's now in relationships.

Lueji · 04/07/2012 19:46

He may have a law background but a solicitor will too.

Why don't you start looking into your exit strategy?

Ex also always said that he would have DS and threatened to take him away.
He was also physically violent.
Guess who the son is living with and who only has supervised contact at the moment?

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