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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotionally unavailable dh

5 replies

Ginga66 · 04/07/2012 01:04

I am very tired so bear with me! Have three year old ds and three week old ds. Pregnancy very hard but birth a good if painful experience.
Baby has jaundice and colic and breastfeeding a struggle as he does not latch well.
Ds1 had for the most part been brilliant but is a liitle sensitive and wants my attention but ds2 mordant or less always feeding so this is hard.
Anyhow dh has been doing a cot with ds1 and the housework. He works part time.
But he really not doing anything much with ds2. Has played guitar to him a few times. I have asked him to try bottle feed once a day but he is never prepared, I have to chivvy him and am then accused of nagging.
The first week following birth was super hard as my brother was visiting and dh hates him so he gave me cold shoulder.
Last night after thirty Dix hrs with no decent sleepbi was in no mood for nit picking and he had a go as had not fed ds1 an apple or put something away.
I lost iit with him and started listing his faults, not good idea when this tired.
So now I am getting cold shoulder again.
I feel like I have three children.
I try talking to him but he says the more I go on the less inclined he is to a
Ter.
He gsdno idea how knackered I am, last night he said I agreed to do nights. I dud bcos I was desperate for another baby but he cld at least be sympathetic!
I don't know what I am asking for here. Maybe I just need to write it down. He is great with ds1 but he is so childish emotionally it exhausts me.
He cannot stand anger so it's hard fir me to voice things with him.
He has never been able to see that his being distant is tantamount to emotional abuse. Or that his criticisms make me feel unappreciated.
He says I make myself feel whatever I feel!
Anyhow glad I've gotten it off my chest.
I tried to be understanding and said go to his mums if he needs space but he just said who wld out out the bins!

OP posts:
Ginga66 · 04/07/2012 01:06

So sorry for typos. Bloody iPad. Too tired to correct so read what u can thanx.

OP posts:
Ginga66 · 04/07/2012 01:10

What really upsets me is he used to be attentive and loving and make me feel good about myself, support me etc But now he hardly ever says nice things, only demonstrative during sex and runs down the things I like such as music etc
I think he may be depressed or having proverbial mid life crisis but he would never talk to gp about it.
Why do men start off so amazing and then when you aremarried with children take u for granted, I know I'm not the only one.

OP posts:
Ginga66 · 04/07/2012 01:13

For the record I have been very hard to live with over the years but try really hard to be loving now except for nagging and occasional anger. And I do love him. I just miss being close. Sometimes I wonder if it's all too much for him, he is five years younger than me. I wish he would either change his attitude or admit this isn't what He wants. I want a happy dh not a miserable one. I do want him to be happy but I can't force him to be.
I have said this stuff btw

OP posts:
mumblejumble · 04/07/2012 01:18

Congratulations on the birth of your baby Grin
Having a toddler/pre-schooler and baby is extremely hard, so you must be shattered.d
You sound as though you are married to my h
Especially the cold shoulder, being blind to your level of exhaustion,etc.
"He can not stand anger", is this only when you complain about his behaviour, or is it a general thing?
So sorry for you, it is very hard, especially when you have just had a baby, and your H is an idiot, as is mine...

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 01:30

Firstly, take his age out of the equation.

Secondly, recognise that the first 6 weeks after giving birth can be the hardest but 'this too wll pass'.

If he's only working a 30 hr week, get him to take the dc out for an hour or 2 every day so that you can grab some sleep.

You say he hasn't 'done much' with ds2 but there's not an awful lot anyone can do with a 3 week old especially when breastfeeding is stlll being established.

Can he wear a sling and carry baby around with him while he's putting the bins out/doing housework so that you can chill in the tub or get out for an hour or so of retail therapy?

Try not to fixate on what's gone/going wrong in your relationship at the present time. Concentrate on your dc, go easy on yourself and on your dh for the next couple of months, and resolve review the situation sometime in, say, September by which time you may be enjoying 6 or 7 hour sleeps again.

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