My mother has always been narcisstic. My father her enabler. My dad died from cancer in April (it was quick,6 weeks from diagnosis to death), she only had to nurse him for 2 weeks at home with help from her gp and district nurses and specialist out of hours team. Then my dad was moved to a hospice and I helped to look after him for 2 weeks until the end. My dad's dying wish was to go home and die there, but my mother had hysterics and said no way was he coming home. I did most of his oral care (the cancer had spread to his throat by then and he couldn't swallow) and held the bowl whilst he was sick etc, as you do, all the normal stuff. Whilst my mother sat in the chair by his bed reading.
I have never had the chance to grieve properly for my dad as everything (as usual) has been about her, her feelings etc etc. I tried to tell her on Friday how hard Fathers's Day had been for me this year and she turned it back to herself and how she was feeling. She has never so much as cuddled me once at all.
She lives in Scotland and I am in England, so there is some distance between us. I invited her to come on holiday with the children and me for a week in the summer holidays. Dh has a very busy demanding job and I can't drive, therefore we have organised for dh to drive about 2hrs over to a station where she can get a train directly from her station to this one to save her doing any train changes. It doesn't work on the way back, so dh will drive her to Kings Cross (probably about a 3hr journey there),so she can get the train and get directly off at her home station. Dh is so busy he can only pick her up the day before the holiday and drop her at Kings Cross the day after the holiday.
The reaction to this is - "so I am only getting for a week". I told her it's the only way we can do it without her having to change trains and said we are trying to do the best we possible can for her, then she turned it all into a thing about her, about how she is on her own and has no-one to turn to and why am I being nasty to her!! Despite me saying to her that if she wanted to come before the holiday thats fine but she would need to get her own way here and do the train changes similarily if she wants to stay longer at the end. She did eventually agree she would go with what we had planned for her. But she will more than likely either phone me later or tomorrow and say she is not coming at all. There is never any thanks or slightest bit of gratitude from her. Dh's is dealing with my father's estate, looking after her money and just generally trying to do his best for her and all she does is pick fault with the pair of us.
And sigh.