Elderly Parent very clinging - how do I manage having breaks?

[onlydaughter]

My mum (now alone) has always been very dependent on me emotionally - despite a great physical distance until recently. She has moved nearer and is quite infirm (arthritis) and I have a reasonable routine in place re care and attention. The sticking point is holidays - my husband and I, in moving her up and caring for other unwell relatives, have not had a break for several years. My husband has ill health and I want to enjoy some time with him before something else happens. We need to go on a decent holiday (say, 10 days) but even when away for a 2/3 I am tied to ringing and she feels 'abandoned'. These are deep-rooted (unsolvable) psychological problems for her, I know, but does anybody have some helpful strategies in how I can caringly introduce the idea and be successfully firm about it.

You are tied to ringing her. There is no escape. I do mean that but you must learn to cut off inbetween brief daily phone calls. Call her first thing in the morning when you are away and you can enjoy the rest of the day.

It is not reasonable of your mother to make you feel guilty of going on a much needed holiday, however difficult her own circumstances have become. I would book the holiday first, so you can't be guilt tripped into not doing it or making it a shorter break than you need. Then tell your mum fairly soon before you go so that she has less time to fret over it. Stress the importance of you and your DH having a decent rest so you can carrying on offering her your support, reassure your mum that you will check and double check all her care arrangements before you go and then have a set single time you will call her each day if that is feasible. Then go and enjoy yourselves, you sound like you need and deserve a relaxing holiday.

Mabe research some nearby groups for her, that can maybe pick her up and drop her off, something she can get involved in, church groups etc.

But firmness on your part is the key and it will be hard, but you and your husband have needs to and resentment will set in if you dont take a carefully planned stand now, you arent abandoning her and you know that, but guilt is a powerful thing, and once it takes hold will be harder to shake.

Do you have other family who can arrange to visit/invite her to stay while you're away?

Book your holiday and have some time alone with your DH, you need a break too. Perhaps set a time each day you will call (9am?)

Does she need care daily? could you afford to pay for someone to come in each day for a couple of hours?

You are entitled to a holiday and your Mother knows this, she's taking advantage of knowing what buttons to press to make you do what she wants. I'm sorry but tough if she feels abandoned, you have organised care and she won't be alone. If you are going abroad tell her it's too expensive to use your phone, ask one of the carers to text you so you know she's OK. If she is like my Mother she will ruin your holiday if you have contact, with tales of all her woes; this isn't fair on you or your DH. Be strong xxx.

Surely you can ring for a few minutes every day for 10 days.

I call home every day when I go away for business. Sometimes for 10 days or more.

Obviously it's expensive to make long calls from abroad (or are you going within the UK?), but a couple of minutes just to know how she is doing can't be that much of a burden.

How did she treat her elderly parents?

Can be a useful 'baseline'

Forget the 10 days, honey. You and your dh need a fortnight as it will take you a week to 'wind down' before you can luxuriate in freedom from the exhausting treadmll of caring for the elderly/infirm.

Book your holiday but don't tell your dm until a week or so before your departure. Say that your dh's GP has advised that he needs a period of convalescence/change of air to aid his recovery after ill-health.

If you're intending to go abroad tell your dm that as the cost of phoning the UK will be extremely expensive you won't be able to ring every day and, with the aid of calendar, work out times/dates when you will call her for a couple of minutes' chat.

If you're holidaying in the UK, use the same plan citing the shortage of public phone boxes and the expense of calling from hotels/mobile phones etc.

When you're packing make sure you take all you need for a wonderful holiday - and leave the bag of guilt behind.

I wish your dh well and hope that you both have an enjoyable time.

I am in exactly the same position and you have my up most sympathy. I talk from experience when I say you need that holiday. I ring mine everyday from abroad (you can buy phonecards that make phonecalls to the UK quite cheap) and I am aware that she will make me feel guilt ridden while I am away, but I owe it to my own family and myself to have some sort of rest after caring for my mum all year round.
There are organizations if you don't have other relatives to help, who can help you by offering a 24hr emergency telephone contact for your mum or someone to pop in if she'd be willing to accept that (my mum won't!) Just look on carers website in your area.
Please book that holiday and enjoy it. x

I'm so grateful for all of these messages with such good, practical advice which is relevant and supportive. Keeping those boundaries gets so hard - so easy to lose the plot in the daily grind or when faced with a big guilt trip like here! You've made me realise the fog in my head around ringing - I realise ringing is fine (and I have done it before when away) but it's the cutting off in-between that's the key for me and not letting her press the guilt and dependence buttons expertly (she passed that course with distinction definitely!) It's also very reassuring to know you're not the only adult person with conflicted emotions, still, around your parents (in my case, in my late forties). Many thanks - off to book a holiday.....

I reckon if your dm survived World War II and rationing she can survive her dd going on holiday for a couple of weeks

Courtesy of Olympic Holidays, I've just treated my dd to 7 nights in a chilled out spot on a Greek island that sounds as if it would be ideal for a relaxing fortnight's holiday for you and your h. If you haven't found what you're looking for please free to pm me for details.

Have you thought about putting her in a respite home while you're away? My aunt did that for my uncle and both parties enjoyed the time apart. DH's mum has also spent some time in a lovely respite home. Good luck and make sure you get that holiday!