Havent got a clue where to begin or what to do.

[maryjane29]

I've got myself into a terrible situation as my marriage seems to be falling in around me, and I am 7 mnths pregnant with 3 others under 5 to take care of also, and I just don't know what on earth to do. I have for many many years put up with the childish selfish behaviour of my husband ranging from physical abuse to drugs and now severe debt. I never thought in my years I would see myself in such a bad place.. So I want out I have had enough but I just don't know where to start. I feel I have been living a lie and I'm miserable.
Do any of u have any advise on where to start.. I'm so lost?

Hi

First off hugs and sorry

you are in such a miserable place.
congrats on the new bubba as well

a couple of things you can do is list everthing and everyone you owe money to
and whos name they are in, then seperate what is his and yours, this will give you a clearer picture of where you stand personally.

Is your home mortaged private rented or counsel? and whos name is on the tenancey. Do you have any outside support re friends or family?

If he is physically abusive then call the police and have him removed.
check with dwp or the cab what benefits you will be entitled to if you are on your own.

The most important thing is to keep well and safe till the birth of your baby, and make sure steps are in place for this safe arrival.

Good luck to you hun and im sure other more experienced mners will be along shortly..hugs

Hi there, thank u for your advise it's is much apreciated- I just can't put a brave face on anymore I had enough- the house we r in is council, and I have all my family and friends here, I just don't have the guys to tell any of them through fear they won't take me seriously or believe me, my husband is very well liked in our family..
Thanks again x

I would advise thinking through who is the most trusted, and broaching the subject gently test the water, if they come back as reasonable or even yeah I/we have noticed but didnt like to say, then it maybe that he isnt seen in the light you think he is, people sometimes are just being polite, believe me I've been there.

Confiding in someone close both personally and geographicaly will help you a great deal hun as you then haved an allay and a witness in case anything kicks off. Also I am sure there are links to womens aid on here and the programme they run. x

Thank u, ok I shall try that approach with a family member first, see what their reaction is before I take it further. I have a dear friend who knows how bad it's been- she has her own troubles but I know she would be there if I needed her.
Thank u again x

0808 2000 247 womens aid phone number there is a whole website as well the first step is asking for help sometimes the hardest part is accepting it babe.

Pick up the phone...x

Thank u for their number and all of your helpful advise. The violence occurs when he is drunk, which thankfully hasn't been recently, at the moment I think I'm just at a point of realisation of all of the nonsense I have put up with- partly through feeling trapped with children and feeling sorry for him and trying to be kind- he has no family apart from mine and our children around and I stupidly just end up doing everything.. Making every decision and running our home and family whilst he makes excuses not to, I feel used and taken advantage of.
:(

The positive in this Mary is that you are recognising that this is not a good enviroment for you, the new baby and your other children, while you have time before the baby arrives it will be useful to see where you stand financially, a roof over your head is paramount. Whos name is the tenancey in? Feelings of guilt and wanting to help him are natural, you would do the same for a child, but he isnt a child you know this, and he has to want the help for anything to change. I would be tempted to wait till he is out of the house, and then change the locks etc, but then again thats me, and I only had the one child to worry about having a psycho dad helped to

If the tenancey is joint, then make enquiries on the quiet what you need to do to get him out. Sometimes just making plans will make the load on your shoulders a little more easier to carry for a while. But phone thatg number and tell who ever you trust, particularly if they are built like a brickshit house reliable and you can phone at a drop of a hat in an emergency.

Yeah very true- it's not a good environment at all, and I have already suffered one miscarriage through stress from this relationship and the issues within it, my kids are suffering also, through witnessing constatnt arguments etc. U r sooo right he is not a child he is an adult- one who has behaved like a child for too long. What really prompted this is that year I had a visit from an enforcemnt officer enforcing payment on a loan we owe- this guy who appeared at my door was terrifying.. Huge infact.. and very aggressive..my husband had taken over or so I thought... our finances..as I have been finding the debts increasingly stressful to cope with as well as the daily things and kids etc..being 7mths...he hasn't done anything, I have
subsequently found out we r weeks behind in rent council tax and
other utility bills! How much more do I have to put up with.. I just can't justify it anymore. :( I had put it down to hormones in the beginning but it's not it's more of a wake up!

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I was with a man very like your H. Vut I am so so glad that you now see the problem and are planning to change it.

Speak to a trusted friend/relative as soon as you can. Make a list of the issues you can change/sort snd then a separate one for the things you need help or advice with.

Perhaps you should speak to your housing authority to acknowlege the rent arrears and set up a payment plan which you can afford.

The next time he is violent phone the police and have him removed. And dont let him back no matter what he says. He has done this. He is the only one to blame.

Most importantly dont tackle this alone. Your family have probably noticed more than you think and Im sure once they know the full story will be right behind you.

Good luck xx

Contact the council and let them know that there are problems at home and be frank about whats going on. The thing is if people dont know whats going on then they cant help, before things get too far to pull back from, take whatever control you can, and contact everyone who is owed money.

If you can get him out then you will get a discount on the rates etc, putting your head above the parapit so to speak and yelling help is the first step in all of this. Posting on here and seeing it in black and white will focus your mind on the reality of the situation, I have been where you are and it will seem like a shit storm hun, but it can be sorted, not all at once but a bit at a time, I promise you.