Anyone had a bad patch that they worked through

[Imlostwithoutahope]

Hi,

Myself and dh are going through a bad patch at the moment. Both of us feeling we are drifting apart. We both want the relationship to work and have discussed counselling etc.

Has anyone gone through anything like this and how did you get the relationship back on track.
Thanks

Any long term relationship goes through bad patches I think. It can get back on track as long as both partners are willing to talk and more importantly listen. Do you know why you're drifting apart?

Aren't the bad patches what make the good parts so good?

Best of luck!

Are you spending enough time together,just the 2 of you?

We have just recently had a really bad patch and are actually due to start counselling tonight. OH has been to the doctor in the meantime though and gotten tablets for stress. They have made such a difference in less than a week and it's feeling like we are finally back on track. Could it be something like that with you/your DH? Good luck. It's so awful when things aren't working x

Hi OP, my DH and I went on a marriage course a couple of years ago which really helped get our marriage back on track.

this is the one we went on

Here's some history. We have been together 18years, married for 7. We have 2dc. Over the past three years things haven't been 'right' nothing dramatic but a feeling if 'is this it' I love him and want to spend my life with him and he was always happy with the relationship. However he just seemed distant this year which as a result I have withdrawn and stopped chatting to him so much or arranging family things. There's also no intimacy between us. However I just thought this is what it's like when your busy working with young dc and when they are older well get back on track. However last week he told me he isn't happy and if we can't get it back he doesn't want to stay. I am devastated :( the thought of him leaving is killing me. We sat down last night and listed the things that are missing and promised to try again and sort ourselves out. But he said he doesn't know if we've left it too late. Im trying to book relate for us.

I really want this just to be a phase that we will work through but I'm scared he's right that we can't.

Yes been there. Actually minus the children I could have posted that 12 years ago.

We did manage to work through it but at the time I was devastated, in retrospect DH may have been depressed and it was very hard for a while.

Actually for a while I went to stay with friends but that's obviously not easy when you have children.

Do you think he will agree to counselling?

Hi, me and my dh are still in a bit of a bad patch, this bad spell started following ds2's birth, he was very ill and the stress just enveloped us. We both had to sort out ourselves before we could look at us collectively. We have now moved on to the 'couple' part but I still feel its a long way to go sometimes. Somedays I can't be bothered, I just want to have a cup of tea and an early night tbh, I don't know if I can ever face the thought of making an effort. I am not depressed (professional opinion) but I do feel just absolutely shattered, it's like the stress has worn me out and I am still struggling sometimes to imagine passion, excitement, joy. I can now do happiness, contentment, comfort, love, pleasure so that is massive progress but I am worried the spark is permanently gone from me as a person.

Gosh, not sure I have been at all encouraging, sorry OP!

When I told him last night he said ok. I've called them today so ill let him know what they said when he comes home from work. He may be depressed also. He lost his father 3yrs ago and never mentione much he had stopped seeing friends, aough recently he's tried calling them and setting up nights out etc. He's 40 this year and part of me thinks its a midlife crisis and he's reviewing his life. But who knows which way hell go: leave us for a better life or stay and make a go.

Pullup- at least your trying, my worry is that he decides its not worth the effort

Imlost Yes, it has involved a lot of trying, I think the risk is if he doesn't want to work out what he did to let it get this way - because it is not all your fault, he was there too.

Oh yes we've had big patches, little patches, black holes, whirlpools and sand storms. Marriage is bloody hard work but i believe it is possible if you both really want it and both work your socks off.

That's not the case for everyone tho

A couple of thoughts.

It's good news that he's willing to work on it, go to Relate etc.

IME women are often more realistic about relationships than men - I think this may be because we tend to hear more about others' relationships (from reading women's magazines / MN / chatting to our friends). My DH was quite surprised when I used phrases such as needing to make an effort, accepting the honeymoon period won't last forever etc that seemed obvious to me.

How old are your DC? It's really common to drift apart in the early years when they are so demanding of your time and attention. Agree with above posters that you need to get time for yourself as a couple - have you thought about 'date night' once a week? If babysitting is a problem, you don't need to leave the house - just have a nice meal together and keep the computer / TV switched off.

Time for yourself as an individual is also important. It does sound as if he may be depressed. Encourage him to spend time with friends or doing a hobby (and the same goes for you, too).

You mention there is no intimacy between you - my advice is to try and kick start that ASAP - you may find it is a surprisingly easy way to get a smile back on your DH's face! I know it can be a bit daunting if you've been though a dry spell, but the best way is just to face up to your nerves and get on with it!

Be gentle with him.Be gentle with each other.I would still suggest spending quality time together without the DC,and prioritisng it.
Coming up to 40 may well be giving him a wobble.Has he started to change in other ways,such as more grooming,and you say going out more.
Mine had a midlife crisis,but it foxed me because he didnt start his till 6 months after he was 40.So I didnt connect the 2.It wasnt till someone pointed out to me that him buying a motorbike is classic midlife behaviour that I realised.

The dc are 8 + 6.

He has bought himself a mobile and goesto the gym a fair bit. However he's always gone to the gym and the mobile may just be a coincidence.

I just want him to tell me everything will be ok and he isn't

By my maths,you got together at 22.Up to that point,did he have the normal childhood and teenage experiences.What I am trying to say is,did he have responsibilities then and wasnt able to go out and socialise much.So feels he missed out on that?
The mobile,I suppose I will say it before others do.I think that some might wonder if he has an OW,and uses the new mobile for that.I might be way off mark.
He himself may not be able to know if it is going to be ok.Not yet.At least though he is prepared to talk about it,which is a lot more than some are prepared to do.

"However last week he told me he isn't happy and if we can't get it back he doesn't want to stay." Perhaps it would be worth probing a bit more and trying to get him to talk about why he isn't happy. I only say this because I had a similar situation. Whilst I was thinking, well we are having a tough time with young children / work stress but it'll be better soon, I later discovered he was feeling much more negative. I sensed that things were different, that he was distant but didn't actively discuss at was so wrapped up in the children.

It would be worth at least considering whether he has met someone else who has prompted these feelings. Is he out more than before, is he protective of the mobile? Can you get a look at it?

Also, it sounds like you are making a lot of effort but what is he doing to help get it back? Is he prepared to make an effort too?

I'm always the one who is talking and suggesting things, I've discovered it is very revealing to just ask open questions in a non confrontational way and then say nothing, prompt him to talk.

I hope things work out, it might be a good thing if it prompts you both to focus more on yourselves as a couple. We'd forgotten how to be a couple really.

I think you should definitely have some counselling together. We have had one relate session so far and it surprised me how much we managed to talk about stuff and really listen to each other which we wouldn't have been able to do at home.Afterwards it felt like some of the weight had been lifted.
Our relationship sounds very much like yours but unfortunately we didn't do anything about it when we had the chance and it led to my H being unfaithful. ( he had asked me to go to counselling with him last year but I thought just having a long talk together was enough) I don't want the same thing to happen to you. It can happen so easily.
I don't know what the future holds but I have said I will do the counselling and see how it goes . It has just completely devastated me that he could have been with someone else :(

Thanks everyone

I've chased the counselling up again. Relate can't see us for three weeks so I'm waiting for a contact they gave me to call back.

I did question if he was seeing someone else as my thoughts were that no man leaves without having someone else. However I've asked him and he swore on the children's lives that there wasn't anyone else, he said he would never cheat on anyone. Just to make sure I've checked his mobile and there isn't anything, I've also checked his works mobile and email and nothing so I guess I believe him. He doesn't go out apart from to the gym and I can smell the sweat when he's home so know he must be going there.

He is really bad at talking about stuff, I said above his dad died and he very rarely spoke about that either. He seems to keep his thoughts to himself whereas I'm just consumed with grief for my marriage and want to keep talking about us and where we're going.
When I've asked him what he isn't happy about he said the lack of intimacy and he feels I'm his best friend not a lover. I can see his point as I haven't much of a sex drive and where he hasn't shown much of an interest in my life I've withdrawn into myself and stopped cuddling in bed etc which has then meant that I don't want sex as there's been no lead up.
Last night we cuddled in bed and the first time in ages I wanted sex, however I am on a period so couldn't!
It's just been one great vicious circle that we've both got into the trap and neither of us has done anything to get out until potentially it's too late.
I just want it all to go away :) lucky stars I'm sending lots of hugs to you too.

I think there is hope, if you are both willing to try.

DH and I almost separated about 7 years ago. The pressure of having young children, working full time etc was just too much. We drifted apart, there was little intimacy. He felt trapped, I felt rejected and resentful. It was a bleak time.

We had couples counselling, which at the time we both hated. It was incredibly uncomfortable at times and there were things I found very difficult to say and to hear, and same for him. But actually, it had a profound and positive effect on our relationship: it got us talking - really talking - about our feelings.

It wasnt a magic cure. It took a long time for us to get back on track, and it made me realise that the old cliche that relationships tae work is true - well, maybe not work but care and attention. We try not to ignore things or let them slide now. If there is something bothering one of us, we arrange a dinner or drink and talk it through.

I wish you lots of luck. Hopefully you can sort things out...

A book to help men open up and feel more comfortable discussing their feelings is
"Why women talk and men walk.How to improve your relationship without discussing it".
Some men dont like talking about their fellings as it gives them feelings of fear,guilt and shame.
You might both find the book helpful.

I think these bad patches are surprisingly common, I also think he's probably having the classic mid-life crisis of 'is this it?' which you have also thought too. I think it is possible to fall back in love again and have much more intimacy, although I think counselling is excellent (and would suggest it for yourself on your own as well, as you have your own perspective and may well need to offload), I also think simply staying together works, things go in cycles.

Things that help are: knowing others have been in similar situations (when I confided in a couple of friends, they did so in me and we were in similar situations), going out together as a couple, making an effort to change the dynamic (so instead of snapping and sighing, being more open and listening), both being really honest about your deep down needs (i.e. what's the one thing that needs fixing really urgently for both of you).

Don't let him dangle his possible leaving over you though, as if this starts to happen, you can start to feel desperate and want him to stay at any cost and you get into a power struggle in which you are losing. Better to say: that's hurtful to hear, but I also need to think about whether I want to make this work too, and whether you can give me what I need. And step back slightly. If you can let him have his crisis without it damaging your marriage too much, that will be a great success (then it will be your turn!)

"Last night we cuddled in bed and the first time in ages I wanted sex, however I am on a period so couldn't! "

Well hey, that's a start isn't it? Try and hold on to that, so when your period's over you can rock his boat.

Even if you "aren't in the mood" when your period is over, I think you really need to try and make an effort. You might find once you get going that you do still enjoy it. If I were you'd I'd get myself involved in planning a really romantic, wild night for you both. Candles, baths, etc etc

Also, IMHO, It sounds like you both might be in a rut personally and it's effecting your relationship.

Try getting out and doing things together that don't involve the kids, but doesn't involve talking either (thinking that sitting across from each other at a restaurant might be a bit too much pressure to try and talk about stuff) try dance classes or exercise classes or something. That will give you stuff to talk about besides your relationship.

Definitely, go see a counselor to.

I've tried over the past few days to show an interest in his day and make conversation, where before as he never asked me I stopped too. I understand what someone else said that I need to make sure I don't take all the blame for this and because I want us to stay together suddenly forget why I went the way I did ie independant and withdrawn. As its a reaction to the way I feel treated which still needs addressing. I'm hoping if I show more interst and caring side it will onlybe a positive move which may encourage him to behave the same. Hopefully the counselling will get as speaking about why we are the way we are and both of us can try and have some fun together again.