So what now?

[Miserarium]

Sorry I have name-changed but hopefully for reasons that will be obvious.

Briefly, I'm unfortunate enough to be married to an utterly self-centred, lying arsehole. Never admits to anything beyond what I can prove but I'm sure there are numerous Big Secrets littering our years together. Debts, porn, affairs.

Recently I found out about an inappropriate relationship with a long-term OW but showed my hand too early, emails etc were deleted and there was no way for me to prove anything. He claims all conversations were 'as friends'. They met up in secret too, but 'just once, just for lunch'. I don't believe him but I only have his word to go on. I do need proof, we have children, he will resist divorce at all costs. I need to strengthen my position and can't inflict divorce on my children with no concrete rationale.

Anyway, I know about a secret email account - H knows this, deleted messages, shut it down , I've tried to reinstate it but can't. Now I've stumbled on a secret Skype account but despite trying all passwords I can think of can't get into it. Password reset would go to the shut-down email account so can't do that.

He has sworn blind there were no video calls between them, if I can get into his Skype account I can prove there were - but how? Any ideas? Please help me catch this dick-led manchild out once and for all so I can save my sanity and move on.

I feel your pain, I really do. I have stood in your shoes. I hired a private detective - BUT - do you know what, you don't need proof.

It doesn't matter if he resists divorce at all costs. Even if you have proof, he'll do that anyway. I had proof & my ex-H fought me tooth & nail & still after 9 years insists it is my fault we are divorced, even though he had the affair!

It doesn't matter how hard he resists, that is one of the great things about our legal system, you can still divorce him.

That sounds really awful! If it's proof you're after, I guess you could try to install a key logger onto your computer to try to get his passwords.

Or you could get an iphone, download the app which will enables you to track your phone, and hide it on silent in his car, you can then track where the car goes.

If you REALLY want to know what he's up to then you could hire a private detective and have him followed.

I know you feel you need proof, but really you don't. You can divorce him, even if he fights tooth and nail against it, you still can.

Your marriage is not what a marriage should be. There is no reason to stay with him, even if you have no proof.

Briefly, I'm unfortunate enough to be married to an utterly self-centred, lying arsehole

That in itself would be enough for me to divorce him. You don't seem to like him at all - does it matter whether or not you have proof of an affair?

Thanks all for your advice. I know you're right, I know I don't need proof, but I feel as if I'm going insane. MOst of the time we are close - too close. But then there is this lying that surfaces from time to time and there's always an 'explanation' and a lot of 'I've been so stupid but I love you' etc etc, I don't know if I can walk away if I'm not 100% sure why I'm doing it. There are so many questions hanging in the air, so many little puzzling things - eg our bed sheet hidden in our child's room one time for no apparent reason, that kind of thing. He won't admit anything.

How do you think your children are at the moment, living with a self-centred lying dad and a suspicious mum that can't trust a word he says? Unless they are far too small to notice anything, they will already know that something is badly wrong. Inflicting that kind of atmosphere on children can be really damaging because it influences their sense of security short-term and how they go on to form adult relationships in due course. So don't stick with a man you can't stand 'for the sake of the children' just because you can't back up your dislike with hard evidence. It would be the biggest mistake of their lives.

I know, I know...

I need to end our marriage. It just hurts even more that he doesn't even like me enough to tell me the truth. He has so little respect for me that he can't even let me have that - and we've always been best friends more than anything, we've had so many good times and been through the bad times together too but now I wonder whether it's all been a lie

It's probably not all been a lie. Selfish people can be perfectly genuine & charming as long as they're getting their own way. Challenge them or ask them to change & they simply can't entertain compromise let alone see things from someone else's point of view. They carry on doing what they want and are arrogant enough to think they can get away with it with a few lies and a little smarm. Not in sales is he?

No texts on the phone?, dont you know anyone at work who is good on computers to help you gain access to his Skype account?, good luck hun big hug.

It isn't that he has little respect for you per se - the underlying problem is that he has little respect for himself and no sense of the self-worth that builds personal integrity.

As he won't change is ways, you're best advised to save your sanity by divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Even if you were to prove his infidelity beyond doubt it's unlikely that you'd be advised to petition for divorce citing adultery alone.