Advice... please... anyone!

[LindsC]

Ok, this is a very self-indulgent thread with the sole aim of stpping me panicing! lol
Having been a single mum for 6 years, since the kids were babies, next month I take the leap of living with fiancee. Now we all get on very well, everything is fine... if I think about it logically.
The problem lies with the tiny voices in the back of my head whispering... "he's NEVER lived with a partner before", "Wow... you're really out of practice with the whole darling wife routine" & "the kids are going to kill him... if he dosn't kill them first."
I know I'm being silly and I really want to live with him and get married and the whole shabang... but can somebody who's done this before pleeeeeeaaaaaase tell me it'll all be ok!

I don't have direct experience but I would recommend that this is precisely the time to have 'the talk' or, to be more accurate, the first of many talks about how family life is going to work. You've got to cover off everything from finances, housework, disciplining of children, solving disagreements etc. that you can think of. Probably worth having a similar conversation with the children. Set the expectations when everything's calm, happy and optimistic and everyone will be on the same page. Then you can ditch the 'darling wife routine' and be an equal partner instead :)

I don't have direct experience but I would recommend that this is precisely the time to have 'the talk' or, to be more accurate, the first of many talks about how family life is going to work. You've got to cover off everything from finances, housework, disciplining of children, solving disagreements etc. that you can think of. Probably worth having a similar conversation with the children. Set the expectations when everything's calm, happy and optimistic and everyone will be on the same page. Then you can ditch the 'darling wife routine' and be an equal partner instead :)

Having failed at this one: my advice would be do it like new parents i.e. date night, way of talking about kids and their behaviour. Not the bad stuff but who they are, how they express things, what they are trying to ask him and keep talking. He'll need some reassurance, perhaps a defined bit of space/peace, talk about house rules for you all. Communication is key. He has you all as a package and you can't change that but as long as everyone understands each other or tries to and negotiates to find solutions there's hope. My ex was totally uncommunicative and abusive btw so we had no chance

He's good with the kids, we've had holidays and trips together and they've gone fine. The kids have a close relationship with their Dad, so we're at the tricky point of finding a balance. He's def not "Dad"... but he is still a parent in many respects. The kids still instinctively go come straight to me to ask for things etc, and I'm very much the discilplinarian. We do get time as a couple due to the fact they are close with their dad and visit regularly. My new partner is generally great with kids, although he doesn't have any of his own, he's worked with children for years. We both have a similar "relaxed but old-school" views on parenting too, which is good. I've sort of done "the talk" with both kids and new partner to some extent... it's been more of little chats as an when stuff has cropped up, and they all seem to be taking it on board, it just feels a little like navigating a ship through a load of rocks sometimes lol x

ditto what other posters have said. Also don't worry that he's never lived with anyone before, its more about his own childhood, if his parents had a healthy relationship and family life was good then he will be off to a better start than someone from a dysfunctional background. I don't mean that someone from a dysfunctional family won't ever be able to have a successful relationship but they are starting on the back foot .
Have you discussed how you both communicate? Some people need time to process things before they can give an answer and that can be hard. If that's the case with him then give him time- within reason. Always be respectful of one another, criticism is corrosive. There should be some good books out there on being a step-parent . I like the work of John Gottman but that's more about couples. However a happy couple are at the heart of a happy family so it is good groundwork to build upon. Good luck!

i hope that isn't taken the wrong way. I just mean that growing up in a dysfunctional family (as i did- my Mum and Dad stayed together) means you have to learn for yourself as an adult how to deal with things in an appropriate manner and that takes time and mistakes get made. People growing up in a healthy family unit (of whatever type) are off to a far better start.

You sound as though you have things pretty much sorted out, I wouldn't worry too much if I were you.

The only thing I would suggest you have a specific talk about (if you haven't already) is what happens if you have more children. Sometimes there is an inequality if your current DC are bought something/taken somewhere which you may not be able to afford to do. If your current DC go away on a holiday with their dad, do you go away with just the future DC, or do you wait until they come back and go away all together, in which case they will have had more holidays etc, etc.

What will happen with schooling, there was a thread on AIBU about sending the eldest to a private school funded by the father, but the parents of the next child couldnt' afford to do that themselves.

It sounds like you are going into it with eyes wide open, keep talking and keep thinking what works for you rather than what you should be doing.

I moved in with partner bout four years ago and though we squabbled at first we soon settled into a happy new routine. I have stayed in charge of ds stuff. Fo DS has an involved dad on the scene which means dh is less stepdad and more advocate of whoever is right at the time. Eg. He might say (in private) ah let the boy watch the footy tonight, even though it's late or another time, 'it's time he learnt to do blah blah for himself..." I love having a less emotional but still interested party around to bounce ideas off.

Thanks guys, interestingly we both come from pretty "traditional" families, but I think my first marriage taught me more about relationship pitfalls than anything else lol. We've talked about other children and although we havn't totally ruled it out... neither of us are anywhere near broody. If we did have anymore I think it would be at a time where the age gap between new child and existing children would be big enough to curtail jealousy issues. I think if I really get down to it this is an insecurity issue on my part. Because I'm very aware that I'm the one bringing all the baggage into this relationship it feels as though he's the one making all the sacrifices, and I guess I worry that he'll come to resent me for it... even though he's never done anything to give me that impression. Think that this is probably my issues with my first marriage rather than any really issue with new relationship... you'd think 6 years on I'd be over it wouldn't you!? lol