Am really scared, have nowhere else to turn :(

[alltalkedout]

I am worried about my husband. I think he is depressed but his behaviour has become unacceptable. He has terrible mood swings,wants sex more than is normal and then gets angry with me if we don't do it for a week or so and says that I am making him angry. It gets to the point where I will initiate it not because I want to, but to stop him from getting moody and angry. He doesn't hit, instead he shouts and is intimidating to the point that I feel sick and terrified. He is a stranger to me when he behaves like this. We have been under a lot of pressure for the past three years. He lost his job in the recession, we have young kids and I am the breadwinner whilst he looks after the children. So I appreciate that it must be hard for him. I have tried talking to him and suggested that he goes to see the GP as he is having trouble sleeping and waking up early. But he won't listen and takes my suggestions as criticism and is very hostile and angry and makes it about me and my failings. I can't stop the way I feel. I feel so unhappy and it doesn't feel much like love at the moment. Any advice appreciated as I feel a I am losing mind. X

If he is scaring you then perhaps living apart for a while would help, on the understanding that you will only live together again when he has sought help for his issues. Is there somewhere he could go for a few months? I wouldnt be happy with him behaving like this if he is main childcarer.

I wonder if the sex thing is his way of trying assert his dominance, as he feels emasculated since losing his job and becoming a SAHD and thats why he feels angry when you say no?

He does need help and you and the children shouldnt suffer in the meantime.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I know I couldn't live like that.

He does sound depressed, but this must be a terrible atmosphere for your children to be growing up in, let alone you.

What is your housing/financial position? It sounds rather like you would be better off without him, to be honest.

I think you need to start examining your options - you might find this information useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance),

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf
DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
theparentconnection.org.uk/

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/
england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(If you are not in England you may need to find the appropriate link on these websites).

It's understandable that he may be depressed, stressed or struggling with life. It is not acceptable that he takes it out on you and that you end up treading on eggshells, fearful or doing things you're not happy about just to keep him sweet. One does not excuse the other so don't be too quick to defend him.

If someone is depressed or stressed they need professional help. If he won't undertake that voluntarily, you have to force the issue and I agre with the above suggestion that you ask him to leave and get that help before you agree to continue in the relationship.

You end up having sex with him that you do not want because you fear the consequences ?

Op , that is absolutely disgusting on every level . He is verbally abusive , emotionally abusive and sexually abusive . I would dump the idea of him being depressed , many abusive men have the apearance of being depressed or not being able to control themselves . Instead i would urge you to read everything you can on here about abuse so that you can understand whats going on . I would also have a chat with womens aid .

The only definate think about abuse , is that it WILL escalate .

Is there any time in an average day,when he is nice to you?

What was his behaviour like before he lost his job?

You have just described an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry.

He is intimidating you, blaming you for his own behaviour, coercing you into sex. You are altering your behaviour in order to try to appease him. This is not healthy, and not OK.

Depressed he may be, but even depressed people remain accountable for their own behaviour. He chooses to behave this way.

Talk to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 - they can offer anything from a listening ear to practical advice. Open up to a close friend about how you are feeling.

You can't help him - only he can do that, if he chooses to - but you can get help for yourself in order to better understand the situation you're in and choose how you want to deal with it.