Toxic friend with MH issues...

[Theas18]

THis is going to be such fun.... not...

Through my hobby I've acquired a very needy rather toxic friend . She has chronic health problems and is probably personality disordered. It is REALLY " all about me" situation. If she isn't the centre of attention in a group and can't swing things back to her she'll have a flare of pain and pop morphine and generally have a panic type attack that gets her husband (who she doesn't go out without) running around her mopping her fevered brow and everyone else going " ooh poor thing".

She is so loud dominating and foul mouthed that my DH (who comes to the group for a coffee sometimes) just quietly walked out. Very british. No one noticed.

I actually go to the group to chat to all my mates and no her all her stories over and over again (I get she lives in the past, she doesn't have a "present" because she doesn't do anything.... because she "can't")

I never give into her demanding behaviour. But I don't want to go any more (but by being there I'm condoning it) TBH which as I have 5 or so other mates there is a pain.

She will no doubt overdose if I challenge her behaviour- it's what she does (that and getting expensive presents when she argues with her FH about anything).

Suggestions??

eh?

cannot understand your post, "5 other friends there is a pain" ??

Crikey, that sounds tough.

Silly Q. but can you go to another group? I have a 'friend' who is similar in attention seeking and I have to admit that that after 20 yrs of her behaviour I moved to avoiding her and missing out on seeing my other friends.

I agree with not challenging her - she will marshall all the others against you and you will become 'big baddy' (is what happend to me in the early days of trying to make this 'friend' see the impact of her behaviour).

It's a pity to let this person spoil your relationship with the other people in the group. Having shared a house for a time with someone who was the same combination of genuine health problems with a big dollop of hypochondria and a dash of the drama queen, I can empathise. Why do the others fuss over her, do you think?

Follow your DH's example: quietly remove yourself from her.

Challenging her behaviour will not change her, but it will be a means to affirm (and then work to maintain) your boundaries, if that is what you want to do. But there WILL be as much backlash as she can muster.

nilby

Sorry I have 5 or so other friends in the group that I like and get on with is what it meant to say. Just leaving the group would mean leaving them (or having covert meetings at other venues as we did this sunday LOL)

I plan in Sept (when 2 of my closest friends will have left to work else where) to "be busy" on many saturdays and be available on sundays for the alternative group.

THere will be "why aren't you coming any more.... are you avoiding little old me" messages though and maybe I'll just be evasive....kids and all that Y'know...

Find out what your other friends think and re-form group if possible without Toxic. Or just ignore massively and talk about something more interesting than Toxic's issues. If they're the types that like pandying to her they can't be much fun either. She'll carry on being rude and ignorant as long as people let her. If she's being rude and swearing tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable. She's not a real friend so why do you think she deserves special treatment??

Thea, very unfortunate, but as someone who has run groups through work, I know every now and again you just get one person who has no boundaries and dominates everything, to the point others leave. All the diplomatic ways in the world won't help, and anything you do will become part of the drama.

the advice you have received is sensible, avoid her and make alternative plans to see your good friends, if she feels left out or throws a strop, so be it. Don't phone her, don't be her Facebook friend, and look vague and smile when you see her but don't make plans. See your friends at other times, they all probably feel the same way.

There's nothing you can do with people like this except get out of their way as they bulldoze through life.

What I did with my lodger was start to exclude them from the fun stuff. 'You won't be able to come to the pub/theatre/concert if you're so sick, will you?'.... that kind of thing. Amazing how resilient she became when there was something nice to be done. :)

i'd reform the group without her as another poster said -if that is possible. Or just make other plans to see your friends. Agree also that challenging won't work. If you can't completely avoid her then blank her as much as possible and have strong boundaries. I have a friend who had similar issues with her sister. She had to state quite clearly "i will not take your calls after 10pm" and "if you carry on discussing x,y,z I will have to put the phone down". Must admit for you its going to be hard as you really won't want to be rude.

friends are largely fed up too !Some of them are a bit more of the pandering sort, but mostly not.
At the moment I go, put her on the ignore channel and go and sit on the floor in other parts of the group to be able to chat to them LOL

As regards " other fun stuff" there has been a fbook message (interestingly not to me as I think they know I wont be fussed, from her DH, saying "X feels excluded from all the fun stuff you do and that makes her sad and lonely..... I'm so worried about her") . Umm are you surprised sweetie??? (unlike cogitos lodger we have to bend to her needs to do fun stuff- not only give her lifts but let her sit in the front of the car, only go to 2D movies etc etc ).

She's going on fbook ignore and I'll step away from the other website we use, and I'll make sure the others have my number- as does she- bah! ands cut the Sat group as much as I can.

Sorted! I feel better thanks !

Bear in mind that there may be a dynamic here you can't avoid anyway.

I once met and befriended a group that included someone who had borderline personality disorder. A wise older friend told me that these things have a script which went something like this: (1) Latching on; (2) Honeymoon phase; (3) Extreme demands and neediness; (4) Perceptions of victimisation; (5) Persecution, and so it proved. I bailed out, fairly ruthlessly, during phase (2), but the whole thing went horribly wrong for the others.

It is almost inevitable that some people lose out on relationships, because of their level of dysfunction. I felt horribly guilty, but as my friend pointed out, I couldn't save her from herself, I could only save myself.

Have you thought about talking to the others in the group and seeing if the feeling is the same all round, and if it is re-group somewhere else and do not tell/invite her?