how to accept and move on?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Recent events and some reading of MN has helped me finally admit to myself that my upbringing wasnt "the norm". I had convinced myself that because my parents didnt beat me or do anything else heinous my childhood was just "the way it is".

But recently, due to my current situation (which I posted in another thread so wont go into detail here again) and the fact I have a DD and am pregnant, Im realising that my parents have been less than satisfactory.

Thing is, how do I get over it? They will never admit to the shortcomings and will just think up a lot of good things they did for me or pretend not to remember. So to have a talk is impossible.

Im going through cycles of thinking about it constantly and then blocking it out completely. Do I just not rock the boat or do I cut them out.

Sorry for the rambling. Was thinking to maybe write it down would help but it doesnt seem to :(

You are not alone.

You will need to explore these thoughts and emotions in order to be able to eventually accept them and move on. Things that can help are:

• Going to counseling (highly recommend)
• Speaking to people in the same situation (MN Stately Homes thread is one such space)
• speaking to any compassionate witnesses of your childhood, or compassionate friends - people who will listen to you without being horrified by you breaking the "bad mummy" taboo.
• Reading books and websites on the topic by experts in family dysfunction - there are plenty of links at the start of the Stately Homes thread.
• Writing a letter you never send to your parents. Or writing a letter that you do send, if you are prepared to deal with the consequences.

Thanks for your reply.

I was looking at the stately homes thread but the large amount of posts put me off. I dont want to just barge in with my issue when someone else is having their say.

I think Im still stuck in the "am I imagining it or was it really like that" mindset, so counselling would probably help, but I have become very wary of asking for that kind of help due to events a couple of years ago.

My mum has poisoned any possible witnesses by convincing them I was unreasonable and a nightmare. Even my brother who I remember on several occasions agreeing with me. But now thats all forgotten and actually hes become a large part of the problem.

Reading books would be a start but I worry that an information overfill with no outlet might make my head explode.

My DP is supportive but I guess he doesnt really know what to say.

OK. So if you discount all those courses of action, what are you going to do instead?

HotDamm's thoughts are good. It's ok to be disappointed/upset/angry about a dysfunctional childhood. It is ok to be confused when the family seems to want to brush it all under the carpet and deny your reality. Counselling really does help as you can get perspective on your past and your feelings now, just affirmation from a disinterested but well-informed person is a huge help. I lurk on stately homes but don't contribute, but don't be worried as with other ongoing threads here, they are a fantastically supportive group of people and are aware of how fragile someone can feel.
Guess the pregnancy can sometimes be a moment when you do look back on your childhood and what pointers it gave you to family life.
But first off, it really, really is ok to have your feelings and to want to explore your perspective.
If you can afford it, a good counsellor can be a wonderful investment.

I know, my last post was extremely negative.

On the counselling thing...how do you actually go about getting it? How expensive is it? Would they laugh me out of there for "just being spoilt" or "making mountains out of molehills".

I know I seem impossible, but there are so many people out there who have so much worse in their lives that I feel I should just suck it up. But then I remember the emotional wreck I become sometimes, leaving DP to pick it up and think I have to deal with it for his sake and the DCs.

wannabe, i was just about to write a post identical to yours.

I have had counselling for years and it really does help but the hurt of having 2 parents that just aren't there for you mentally in the way that other parents are (including how you are for your own kids) is something I've never been able to 'get over' entirely. Still hurts like hell and I often feel rootless.

What counselling is excellent for is giving you strategies to deal with their unreasonable behaviour on a day to day basis. You don't get drawn into their games as much and start to feel a good sense of control at last - this does bring a lot of peace of mind. It's not just about validating your point of view but also moving to a postion where you are not at the mercy of their nuttiness anymore.

I've had a very bad weekend with it this weekend and am having to ground myself again - that's when i start to feel most hurt that my own parents would manipulate me like this to protect their own psychies. Ultimately though we have just been f'ing unluckly to come out of a particular womb and in an alternate universe things would be v. different.

Hope hope hope you find some peace of mind.

just find a counselling service in yellow pages etc and say you'd like to come along for an initial consultation. if you like the counsellor you carry on seeing them - if not try someone diff. they are experienced at asking you the right q's at the first meeting - some people i know have just cried for half an hour before they'd got anything of use out at a first meeting.

Thanks luzluz, glad to know the counselling helps you and I hope you can pick yourself up after the weekend.

The thought of how to even start when talking to a counsellor terrifies me.

I just feel so angry at my parents for being so selfish. We went without when I was young and they constantly said it was due to my mum SAH and us living off one wage. (so my fault? Thats how I feel) But by the time I was 15 they had £18000 in savings (I know this because they built a house) and now they flaunt their constant shopping, going on holiday etc when they gave us no experiences at all.

Maybe that sounds spoilt but I dont mean it that way. I just mean that I wonder why they even bothered having children. There was no love. No emotional attachment. They went through the motions but ultimately it was all about them.

Sorry. Bit of a rant there. Its just all dawning on me atm and I definately think I need counselling to process it.

Thanks for all your replies