To ask if resentment over washing/cooking etc leads to divorce?

[Melanthe]

Had a discussion with four young, educated women last week and was shocked to discover they do the majority of the cleaning, washing and cooking. While they said their OHs 'contributed', they also said things fall apart if they had to work long hours for an extended period.

They all justified this by saying their partners didn't see the mess or do it to their standards. I argued that surely in 10 or 20 years they are likely to feel resentment over this arrangement and it will likely result in divorce/break up (also said if their partners respected them, they would pitch in more .) They doubted this, although said it might compound other problems.

So I've been wondering about this in the context of people's experiences - what do you think?

Sabriel I can totally understand how you feel.

We don't have DCs so sharing housework etc should be straight forward. I work full-time and DH does 30 hours per week. But I still do 90% of the chores. He works shifts and has just had four days off but has done nothing except cut the grass (which I specifically asked him to do).

I have just gone back to work after 10 weeks off with depression and, despite that, he hasn't upped his game or tried to do more.

Sadly, after only 15 months of marriage I am close to calling it a day.

My 22 year old DD has just broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years partly due to this issue , they were meant to move in together now she's finished her degree but she ended their relationship because she was sick of having to chivvy him into doing things in his flat every time she went there.
She told him she wasn't prepared to be his mother and she didn't want to live with him if he wouldn't wash dishes / empty bins/ clean the toilet etc.
I'm proud of her - it also helps that she has a father who has always done more than his fair share domestically.

I do all the housework, though DH helps whenever I ask. I don't feel any resentment about it because it is the division of labour we discussed and agreed on and he does plenty of other things as 'his' jobs.

I might feel resentment in the future if I felt he wasn't pulling his weight in other areas so I felt I was doing much more than him, but then we would have to discuss who does what again and re-balance the work load.

I can't see it leading to our divorce!

I don't think it matters who does what, whether the DW or DH does all the cleaning, cooking and laundry. what matters is that both feel valued in what they are doing and that both feel they are contributing equally to family life.

I don't think the resentment is usually caused by who does and doesn't wash up, its caused by one partner feeling unappreciated or by one partner not pulling their weight.

This is the sort of thing that grinds me down - I just got home and DH is sitting in the living room reading the paper.
I looked out the window and commented that he hadn't brought the washing in. "Was I meant to?" Was his response.
Well no, you weren't "meant" to but it's pouring with rain now so maybe it should have dawned on you?!

My DP is as I write, hoovering and cleaning the bathroom, for the first time in 1 year after yesterdays words I hope it continues or Im out- I told him I didnt want to be his mother, it seems to have gone in this time!!!

I have some friends and family members who are married to useless men who do not contribute in any way around the home. Although, I have to say their wives enable this behaviour and completely resent the men at the same time.

My 2 closest friends are married to fabulous men, as I am. They cook, shop, clean, wash, iron and not as a favour to anyone and not because they're asked to.

I know which of the 2 groups have happier marriages.