Update: It has been a year since I first posted about the demise of my 24 year marriage

[drfayray]

Nearly a year ago I posted about my sad situation here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1260257-Does-time-really-heal-this-terrible-pain-24-year-marriage-ended/AllOnOnePage

Last Friday, I went into my solicitor's to sign off on the settlement and child support agreement. I wanted to post here to just let those kind people who helped me so much know that I am good and that things are going well..enough. I also want to let those going through similar know that there can be a path out of that terrible pain.

The ex has been reasonable enough about money. I am ending up with 62.5% of all assets. His superannuation in particular as he was a Professor for many years and the super payments in aussie unis is the highest, 17%. I will be able to clear my debts (from having to use a credit card and my sol's fees) and still have money that I can save.

The children and I have moved house; a lovely Queenslander cottage in inner city Brisbane where we are enjoying our new life. My dog is very happy as we have a big doggie backyard that she can explore and run around in. I have the house the way I like it and it is cosy! Very comfortable and people love to visit. The children and I are calm and serene. We have a lot of good times now.

I have lost 32 kilos and look fantastic . I go to the gym everyday and have taken up Latin dancing and have lessons 3 times a week (Latin Variety, Salsa Rueda and LambaZouk). I have made a mass of new friends through dancing and my social life is fantastic. I go to the dance parties that the dance school has every Saturday and just dance my shoes off!

The down side to all this is that my nearly 17 year old son has decided that he never wants to see his dad again. He wants to change his name. DS is actually very mature and a deep thinker and said that he has thought about everything and feels that his father is a waste of space and has made his choice. Also that Ex lost interest in him a long time ago. DD still sees her dad (once a month; he wants every fortnight) and says she forgives him as he has not done anything to her. But she has turned to DS as a father figure. DS has not seen the ex since February. I am organising a psych to see DS (ex is paying for it) as he needs to talk this through. But I fear that DS will not change his mind.

I feel so happy. I feel that I have found myself. I am not looking to date again at the moment. I had a few dates (internet dating) but was not impressed. Right this minute, I cannot see how any man can enhance my life which is very busy with work, children, dance, friends and dance .

My mother and son told me (over the space of a few hours) that I was a very strong woman and that they were so proud of me. I am strong. I have amazed myself by how I have coped. I just faced things and got on with it often feeling that I had no other choice really.

What has interested me is that many friends have said how inspiring I have been. Which is very flattering but surprising. I use Facebook as a way of describing my journey and struggles. My honesty has been useful to others going through similar.

Signing the papers on Friday lifted a terrible burden off my shoulders. A burden of pain and unhappiness. I literally walked on air afterwards and had an amazing LambaZouk class where I just twirled like crazy!

I just wanted to let others know that there is a way forward; that life can be fantastic again and you can cope. I was very lucky with my children, parents and friends.

This is something I said in my previous thread: although I have lost a husband, I have found myself.

Congratulations - I'm so glad you have not only survived, but actually flourished.

I feel for your ds as I was in a similar situation years ago and cut contact with my dad.

I have regrets about that and although we reconciled (to a degree) before he died, there were a lot of wasted years and I feel I was the one who missed out, not only him. Yes, it was a difficult relationship and he wasn't the dad I wanted but it was worth the pain.

I hope you can encourage your ds to keep the lines of communication open with his dad for a future time when he might feel it would do him some good to resume the relationship.

Well done you.

Thank you for the update.

Good luck with everything

Fantastic, congratulations. I hope your post will inspire those on this forum who are suffering at the moment, I hope it will show them that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and life can and will be better.

FWIW, my db made the decision at the age of 9 that he didn't want contact with our mum anymore. As time went on, they were both at my birthdays/wedding etc and have a polite relationship now. Maybe your ds will change his mind in time, but he is old enough to make a sensible decision based on your ex's actions and yours. His life will change and move on and perhaps he will decide to renew contact with his dad then.

Thank you, I'm divorcing my H after he walked out at Easter , and it nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is great to hear how happy you are.

That's wonderful to hear, well done.
It's poignant for me to read since my cousin's man walked out on her about a year ago. She used to live in Brisbane but has moved down towards the Gold Coast - she's just a couple of years younger than you.

That's fantastic
Thanks for posting it, good timing for me to hear it.
My husband left last night

Yes same here - about 3 weeks since my H left & still feeling very lonely & pessimistic. In a year I hope I sound as happy as you! You're an inspiration!!

Lovely post, thanks for coming back to update and inspire :)

That's a really lovely update. I am about a month behind you in terms of the separation date and when I first found MN during that time I followed you too.
I'm a million miles behind you in terms of getting the practicalities finalised and very very jealous that you have managed to move house and get papers signed. Well done. You have been amazing.

My DS,16. feels the same as yours. I cant blame him and as my counsellor said we dont have to have a good relationship with our parents to have a happy life. Your DS has one wonderful parent in you.

Thanks for the inspiration

Great update drfay, you're an inspiring woman!

Oh thanks for the lovely responses everyone! Very touched.

And I am so glad that those of you in the early stages can get some idea that yes, things will get better. I wouldn't have believed a year ago that I would be in this place I am now.

My driving force (when I just wanted to curl up and die) has been my beloved children. I had to be the steady person in their lives when their father abandoned them. I had to make sure that they went to school, had good meals, clean clothes and love. And that saved me really.

Making the decision to take control of my health last October helped me too. It was very difficult signing up at the gym (I was a size 20, now a 12 ) but all that exercise helped me to work out my rage. And looking better helped me too. I love clothes and accessories and finally I could look like how I wanted to look. All this helped my self esteem and made me feel that I could do anything.

I found a place for us to live - all by myself. Remember Ex was the type of spouse who controlled everything; I never made any decisions about anything in the whole of our marriage. Now I was sorting out the amenities, paying all the bills, making sure the children were fine; and I was actually doing it well!

My friends have been so wonderful; the support I received has been fundamental to my recovery.

Being alone is not the worst thing; sometimes it can be very good. I am happy by myself (except I am not alone when both children and dog jump on my bed..I yearn for 'alone' ) and take pleasure in doing things that I like to do and want to do.

A small example of how things have changed: Now on a Saturday, the three of us have a lie in and then go to the Village for brunch, a bit of shopping and a good laugh. Back to the house for a movie, a sleep or have friends round. Before Ex would hound us to wake up early and DO things....but we were tired after the hard week of work and school....Now we do as we please and enjoy it thoroughly! A small thing but it caused a fair bit of distress in the past when the children had to be forced up and forced to DO things...

My dear dad said this to me when things were particularly rough; "This too shall pass". He was right.

I am so pleased that my update can help others. Mumsnet gave me such wonderful help and support.

Good luck and my very best wishes to all going through this awful journey; you will come through the other side; maybe even happier than you have ever been.

Congratulations, drfay and thank you for the update! So pleased for you!

Best wishes x

congratulations :-)

We have followed a similar path. Unlike you I didn't move house (but am an avid watcher of 'house porn' tv shows - in particular the ones where people get to relocate to Australia ). I have a new job which I love, the dcs are doing fine. One of mine is also not talking to exH, he has only introduced new DW to one of them - so I have one in regular contact, one with no contact and one who has just made the effort to get back in touch with him. They are all now adults and free to make their own choices, although like you I have encouraged contact for their sakes. I don't want them to have any regrets.

I wish I could be inspired to lose as much weight as you (I quite those people who stopped eating when their DHs walked out ).

This is a calmer, happier, house now than it has been for years and I am relaxed and in control of my own destiny - though a bit as to what the future holds, all of a sudden I have choices I never thought I'd have at this point in my life. It's good though . Good luck to those just starting the journey!

Hi drfay! Great to read that you are well, and moving forward. I remember your thread so well, because you started posting a month or two after my marriage (22 years) ended, at times we felt we were on a similar journey. I too visited my solicitor (SHL - remember her?!) last Friday, and signed the final consent order regarding the settlement - so again our paths run alongside each other!

I too am moving forward, and just want to echo all that you say for those posters who are just starting on this sad road. It really does get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like the OP, I have a son who has nothing to do with his dad (hasn't actually seen him since I kicked him out in April of last year). He is almost 20...his youngest brother (15) has also stopped seeing his dad, and our two daughters (16 and 17) are having less and less to do with him. Of course it hurts the kids; but on the whole, they're ok. Certainly the house is now a home, and a place of fun times and most of all a safe haven to return to. The atmosphere is lighter, and I am far more calm and relaxed than I was in the awful months (years) before we split.

I never thought I would be on my own, approaching fifty. I never thought I would be bringing up 4 teenagers single handedly. It's hard work, but my relationships with each of my lovely kids has improved - we are closer, we are kinder to each other. I no longer 'sweat the small stuff' - after what happened, I have a sense of perspective and am generally much happier.

Twunt, however, is missing his kids like crazy - although he threw us all away, in his pursuit to 'find the happiness I deserve' I don't think he is happy. He is still with OW (the one he denied existing for so long). Yet he looks older and drawn. Perhaps reality is starting to bite - I don't care. Not having to care about him is liberating, especially after years of massaging that ego.

It hasn't all been plain sailing - but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that the year post-split has been a million times better than the year pre-split.

So for those of you in a really bad place right now - please take heart - it does get better, much better.

Good to see you are doing so well, Dr. Fay. Betty x

Hello you! I was thinking about you the other day, et voila, here you are. I'm am so pleased to hear how well you're doing.

Take care my wonderful DrFay and I love that quote about losing a husband and find yourself. It's so very very true.

B&A x

Just read your original thread in it's entirety. What a wonderful heartwarming update. Its great to see that you have not merely survived but flourished, Bravo Dr Fay

God, I am so jealous about these final consent ordersDrFay and SaffysMum. I am still waiting for a date for the first hearing.

WOW!

I think I'm a little bit in love with you, OP!

I know you probably hardly think of your ex now, but what's his life like? Is he still with OW?

Ah B&A and Saffy!! Lovely to hear from you both. Thanks also to others who have commented.

Ex is now looking older...whereas apparently I am a victim of Dorian Gray's picture . I have been told that I look like I am in my late 30s but I hit 50 in March so uh...I think I have done well there!

He is still with his OW. He has found his happiness now you see (no emoticon for vomit? Shame) and I think he is living with her but not sure. And guess what, I do not care! Except I do not like DD seeing her. DD has only seen her twice I think. But when he does see DD, he actually gets an apartment in the Gold Coast (like he is planning to for this Wed -Sun as he is taking her for a bit of the school hols).

He will be considerably poorer now. Now as he is 8 years older than me, has less work life and certainly much less super for his retirement. Pah! Too bad so sad as the kids say!

My aim is not to see him ever again if I can help it. When he sees DD, he picks her up and does not come to the door. And he lives in another city, the Gold Coast so our paths do not cross. All good. We can never be friends. He has hurt my children and I too much for that to happen. I am not bitter as that is pointless but I do not like him and there is no reason for me to pretend to be friends with someone I dislike.

This vid below is quite helpful for those fearing to be alone. It really is not so bad you know. I am alone but NEVER lonely.

Again thanks so much for the lovely lovely comments. And good luck to all of those starting on this journey.

Much love to all!

It's fantastic to know that there is life 'on the other side' lol. Thank you so much for updating, it's an inspiration for someone like me at the start of the journey.

Music, I've followed your thread with awe. It has resonated with me as I've been going through the same recently. I hope to read something similar from you this time next year!

Thanks OP. It's reassuring to know that there's life to be had after all this misery.

There is so much optimism in your words DrFay; and I'm sure that others who are just starting out on this sad journey will find it inspiring to see how you (and I) have got to a better, happier place.

I too, will never be friends with my ex. I still see him occasionally when he sees the kids, although this is becoming less and less. I would happily never set eyes on him again. I know women who are friends with their exes, and they all get along quite well. Like DrFay, I would not want to be friends with a man who could do the equivalent of throwing his family under a train - I just can't. And it's absolutely fine. What many of you will, I truly hope, find is that your friendships will develop and you will cherish those who care for you in a deeper way, and in turn, that will be mirrored back to you. A counsellor who I work with told me that I must 'forgive' twunt, in order to move on. But I disagree with this - I don't need to forgive him at all - I can see what he's done, and quite happily put the rage in a box in my head and leave it there, and move on quite happily.

Good luck to DrFay, and everyone going through divorce. It isn't easy, but it's ok, it really is.

Thought it was time for yet another update. I read this topic a lot and come across quite a few situations similar to mine. And I just want people to KNOW that it can get better.

Workwise not so good: My contract was not renewed due to funding cuts but that is OK. Because you see...I realised that I actually do not like what I was doing!! Fuck me but I was kind of pushed into this because of the Ex. But now I do know that I do not want to do this at all. So I am taking a bit of time off to actually think hard about what I would like to do. Have a bit of money so things are not that tight...yet.

Dancing is going so well! I am dancing about 4 times a week. I have made so many friends and my social life is AMAZING!! I have friends of all ages and backgrounds. I am also helping the dance school to organise their Christmas party fundraiser; apparently I am to lead the decorations as I am always so elegant and beautiful!

DS has not seen Ex and was suffering from depression and anxiety. He saw a psych and that helped. He is now happy and looks great. We get on very well and talk a lot.

DD not so good. . Ex has now moved in with OW and DD had to stay there on one of her monthl visits. She just said sadly that dad has a new family now. She has been bad tempered and down but well, I try to spend time with her and she and DS are very close and he is a great support. On the whole I think she will be ok. I think things hit her later.

Uh and I have met a man....we have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks so v new but entrails look good. He is 8 years younger but hey I look like I am in my 30s so all good and tall and gorgeous. Has a head of outrageous dark brown curls and amazing mutton chop sides! He thinks I am beautiful and fantastic and cannot quite believe his luck in meeting me! Very nice situation. He also sometimes looks at me with this LOOK...like he has been hit with a wet fish...disbelieving and besotted...

My DC know that I am seeing someone but I am not bringing him into my children's life just yet. DS said that he is happy that I am seeing the WolfMan (my nickname for him cos he looks like Wolverine) as I seem so happy and relaxed.
WolfMan has this unusual effect of making me relaxed and happy. Never ever been with a man who is so undemanding and has no expectations. He just is. And I like that.

I am happy, fit, beautiful and happy..did I say happy?

I need to post some pix of myself before ex left me and now so you can see the difference!

So again, all of you going through what I did...take heart. Life moves on and you will find yourself. And the discovery will be better than you ever imagined.

Love
Dr FayRay

Hello DrFay -- I remember your thread and WELL DONE!

My own DS has as little as possible to do with his father and I have not pushed him either way. He too is a deep thinker and follows through when he makes up his mind. This is his life and he will deal with whatever fallout there may be from his decision. I don't say this in a spiteful way -- after all I also have as little as possible to do with exH and I know DS sees the same 'difficult' individual I do and has decided he is better off without him.

DD1 cut contact from her mid teens. DD2 is waiting until she is able to get out of the fortnightly visitation when she turns 18 at her next birthday. This is something the exH's brought upon themselves. It is a horrible thing to have to watch your children realise things about a parent and about 'family' that normally a child would not be realising. However, it is often a better alternative to letting a situation fester while impressionable minds are taking it all in -- nothing as likely to cause problems as living in the same house with parents going through the motions of a bad marriage imo. My DCs are doing well and they have good friends who have been a real blessing to them.