How do I stop feeling so bitter?

[Notcontent]

I feel a bit ashamed to be posting, because I know many of you are dealing with much worse situations.

Basically, a few years ago my then DH left me to be with someone else, shortly after we had a baby. It was very unexpected and without boring you with all the details, the two years that followed were quite horrendous for me emotionally. Looking back I think I was close to having a breakdown. I am lucky in some respects in that I have a professional job, financial help from my ex, etc. I am sure that may people would think my life is quite nice. However, even though I am not the mess I was 2 or 3 yeas ago, I am still consumed with disappointment, bitterness and feelings of rejection.

What makes it worse is that my ex has a lovely life with his wife and their children. They are very well off and have everything anyone would want. Recently, I am actually feeling worse, because I feel like he has less and less time for our dd, which feels like an even greater rejection. It all feels like a huge black cloud hanging over me. But I do know that I can't go on like that. I have thought about getting counselling, but part of me thinks That the only way I could move on is if I never had to see or know anything about my ex again- but that's not possible because we have a child together.

I would find a counsellor. Don't just pick the first one you find, ring up four or five near to you (look on the BACP website) and talk to them about 'their style' of counselling. Just by the rapport on the phone, you will get an idea of who you want to work with.

I stayed with my cheating H (unlike yours he begged me to, the OW meant nothing blah, blah) - it 's the other side of the coin - maybe you dreamed of that when your then DH left you with a young baby. But I spent another 5 really miserable years with a man I didn't trust, digging up lie after lie until I finally found out that he was seeing prostitutes - what a waste of my life. Since then I've realised that my happiness has nothing to do with him. Is this the life you would have preferred? Be glad he left. You and your daughter deserve better.

Hiya - I feel the same - Im only 4 months into it, getting divorced, but I would give anything to never see the loser again! But not an option due to 4yo DD.

Im having counselling and its great in a lot of ways. It helps me to deal with the depression, it helps me to accept my faults and also to realise that I couldnt have done anything to change the situation.

I would recommend it, they should be able to give you ways of dealing with seeing him in a detached way. At the moment I dont see or speak to my H. I never want to be friends with him, but I do need to work towards being able to be civil to him.

At the moment I just hate the twunt for walking out on us! I cant see the bitterness fading for a long time, but also I know that I dont want to carry it all my life either!

Thanks Triffid and Skye. Sounds like you know exactly how I feel.

Triffid, you are spot on. In fact I pretty much have done anything to make him stay,and what makes it worse is that a few months after he left he told me he wanted to come back - but of course he never did, and I never found out what that was all about...
Maybe I will try to find a counsellor. I have so many unresolved issues. It doesn't help that all the other women I know seem to have very upper middle class lives with adoring husbands, etc. I know I need to get a grip.

your pain is important to you - never feel ashamed to feel you need to talk about it, with every step in the right direction you are going to get over your past

you need to find a good councelor and work through issues from the past, some rejections maybe even from your childhood
once you allow those thoughts from the past to come back to you you are more likely to understand why you are feeling the way you do

COunselling might well help, so might a good dose of feminism. There is a great deal of cultural pressure and propaganda to the effect that it's a woman's purpose and duty to catch, keep and service a man, and that to be without a man is to have failed as a woman. It's all bullshit; women who are single are generally happier.

Counselling is a good idea.
It should help you move forward and as you move forward you will be less concerned and therefore bitter about him and his life.
From my own experience I know that the bitterness is hurting you and not him.

Also, everyone I knew had comfortable lives and it smarts to lose the material as well as the emotional comfort, especially when they are doing so well but that improves too as you move forward.

Remember too that no-one has a perfect life and it won't be bliss for them forever.
If he cheated on you when things get rough he might do the same to her, which is one pressure that you don't have to deal with.

It doesn't help that all the other women I know seem to have very upper middle class lives with adoring husband

The key word here is seem. Domestic violence, emotional abuse, and infidelity is no respecter of class or social/financial status and what may seem outwardly to be lives of ease and comfort may be markedly different when observed after the public doors of a marriage/relationship are closed.

You are either assuming that your ex is having a lovely life or perhaps he has claimed such - in which case he would wouldn't he even if it weren't all that true?

As you can't really know what goes on behind closed doors, it's pointless to second guess it and then start measuring your life against what you imagine it might be. Counselling may help you to focus on your own life rather than measuring it against his.
It's not a competition, life is what you make yourself. I hope one day soon you can create your own happy world and not care about his. He can't escape himself, you're always going to be the better person. And the OW is stuck with the kind of twunt that would do that to someone, whereas you are free to find a decent human to share your life with.

Thanks very much, some wise words from all of you!!
I really appreciate it.

.. and measuring against others too? We can always find someone better or worse off than ourselves. Just need to quit with looking and comparing full stop. Definitely, counselling could help you with that. It's not a helpful trait to have in life.

Your time will come Notcontent.

Same's happened to me.

God I've been bitter. Oscar-worthy. Also weepy and waily, ranty, sorry for meself...now i go for time limits: I feel negative and bitter for, ooh, 5 minutes then stick some music on, have a bit of a mumsnet tidy-up, change the mood

Do you want to look back on your life and remember it being engulfed in bitterness?

It's time-consuming and exhausting and boring, don't do it, please. And what Open says x

This helped me

drw.org.uk/

Counselling may help but I also think you need to mentally make a choice not to feel resentful and then have a process to switch off the thoughts when they enter your head.i.e Focus on your plans for the future. What is it that you would like to do? Any goals, what steps do you need to take to make them happen? It takes a while to retrain your mind but it is do'able. Good Luck

Just to add that same happened to me. I roughed it out trying to emotionally put myself together for about 2 years before I went to try counselling. My word, it helped so much. It wasn't easy and I ended up talking about things I didn't expect to as the feelings I was dealing with when he left weren't ALL to do with him.... It opened up something in me and all these other unresolved emotions crowded in. I didn't realise this until I started the counselling.

You honestly will be fine. Better than fine. The reason I can say this is that rationally you know this too - that others would think you have a very nice life - and it's your emotional self that needs to believe it and feel it too.

It will come.

Xx

I too tried everything to get my husband to come back and now wish I hadn't because it just increases the bitterness in the end.

But I want to leave the bitterness behind and move on and ultimately the counselling will do that. I need to realise that I am not responsible for his actions. He needs counselling himself but won't go so I need to let go of feeling responsible for him. He is a grown up.

My counsellor said "don't compare yourself to others, you are not walking their path"