Help me past this

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

I just cleared out a load more of exp stuff. Left in the wardrobe was the shirt he wore on our first date along with other stuff. I just cracked and all I could think was he must have really loved me once. There's a photo of us that night together looking really happy. Even then there were EA signs - full on relationship offered from the beginning etc etc. seems farcical now. I think probably in my lowest times if I felt bad enough I'd have him back, just for the comfort which is even more daft because he was no bloody comfort at all!

When will it stop?

hi there
deep breaths.. when did he leave?
i can sympathise, i am going through the same and unfortunately we have to go through this a little in order to process things and heal. you head will be all over, it is confusing isnt it? we can look at photos etc and forget the EA
there are no limits on time, everyone is different.
what happened? how long were you together? do you have children?

5 years. 2dc. I forced him to leave in April. Life at home is generally good since then. I wouldn't have him back hell or high water when I'm feeling strong but the clothes seemed sad and final. I realise I'm still stick in the cycle. If he came here he wouldn't comfort he'd take advantage of my weakness and use it against me. He purposely withheld emotional comfort when I needed it most it was quite his thing.

i completely understand... it is still early days and it is exhausting being a single mum, well i find it is however i dont have a lot of support or a support network..yet.. do you?
its all part of the process im afraid. it is like grief. try paul mckenna, i can mend your broken heart.
concentrate on the positives "life is generally good" that is huge to just be able to say that. yes it is sad and its life but you dont have to be stuck.
i know what these men are like, ive now suffered twice with it, whatever you do, do not rush into another relationship. time to find yourself and build on your self esteem. it is natural you feel as you do. we are all human, yeah?

Thanks I really appreciate your replies. Tbh I find the line patenting really easy in comparison - its just task heavy but do much calmer without exp. I live having dc to myself and we are just more efficient!

I'm
Itching for a new relationship but trying to wait because I know really this is part of the cycle too. I just feel on the shelf or something. Also I have no idea what a relationship is like when you have kids.

I have rl support but dd I dunno, missing something still. I think I'd like to meet some other lone parents but not sure how to do it or even have time. I dunno what the answer is really

i think baby steps is the answer. I was with exH 13 yrs, met exP after 2 yrs and my t**t radar was not fine tuned enough. ive had a horrendous time. I was probably naive. have some "fun" yes or just get out there on some nights out, but be wary before rushing in. My exH made things very difficult, as did new P exw. its has ended in heartbreak. thankfully my ds seems ok and hasnt asked for exP. you have to be more than sure before introducing a new P to your children, i wish i had waited longer :-( i am now grieving for both exH and exP! i only had 1 before to get over and now it feels double..
try to meet new people, get new perspectives and love yourself. very hard i know. the answer will come naturally in time..

What you experienced was a momentary burst of grief for your lost innocence. I'm sure if you'd known what he was like when you met him, you'd have run a mile and you certainly wouldn't have been posing for happy snaps with him.

As for him having 'must have really loved' you once, emotionally abusive individuals aren't capable of loving others in any meaningful sense of the word; effectively, all you were to him was another fly to pick the wings off. He won't change and he'll continue to abuse any woman who is as clueless about ea as you once were.

Have you done the freedom programme? It should help to fully liberate you from the far-reaching tentacles of his tyranny.

Don't worry about being on the shelf pro temps - it's a far happier place to be than in the frying pan

It's good to hear you've got rl support but why not look to see if there's a gingerbread group near you: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Oh god a fly to pick the wings off is such a good analogy of it!!! I still get caught in the weirdness of was he a truly awful person of was I over reacting?

I have looked locally for the freedom programme but only found an online version - would prefer a rl one if that's what they are.

I am also co fused by the reactions of others. I asked him to leave after a violent act. One friend said 'was that really worth getting divorced over?' mostly I think she's an idiot and I'm not because I won't tolerate it but then I think that makes my isolation self imposed or something.

Peppa - how are you getting on now? I k ow I will hate introducing anyone to my dc invade it goes wrong

With certain exceptions, no-one is a 'truly awful person' all of the time - although many of the abusive individuals that get write ups on this board would seem to be making a bloody good attempt to go for gold.

In asking him to leave after one violent act you weren't overreacting - you were acting on the fierce, primitive instinct for self-preservation. As the stats show, violent individuals rarely commit one assault and you made sure you didn't sustain further harm at his hands - well done YOU!

If zero tolerance to abuse has made your perceived isolation self-imposed, then I'm with you and we're not isolated - we're sensible and women like your friend are to be pitied, as is anyone who tolerates unacceptable behaviour in their relationships.

Locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and ask when/whether the freedom programme is due to be held in your area