How to start THAT conversation

[mashietattie]

...without being confrontational?

ie I want to say "RIGHT you prick I've been doing some thinking and you need to buck up or it's OVER"

but a bit nicer!

I'm not very good at this sort of thing. I need to sort something out that isn't going to just come up in everyday conversation but don't ahve a way with words and tend to get a hostile response cos I come across as confrontational. What do you do?

What do you want him to buck up?

His manny, waiter, chef, valet, chauffeur, gardener, window cleaner, builder, mechanic or other practical skills, his ability to bring home the bacon, or his performance in the bedroom?

The whole lot. I am not particularly demanding.

No not really. He has no enthusiasm for stuff we should do together; he never suggests going out, asking mutual friends over, going climbing (we used to but never now), won't come on holiday (doesn't want to fly, not interested in anywhere in the UK), won't take time off work because he thinks he's indispensable. Tight with money even when theres enough. Would happily go on youtube for the next 40 years while life passes him by.

Also I wouldn't mind a shag from time to time

Thinking about the last point I never get much affection either; not even small things like touching, kissing. He doesn't bother shaving much, wears manky dirty torn old clothes that are fit for the bin. He can make an effort for work, not for me. He didn't use to be like this. I try to look reasonably nice, shave legs, scythe bikini line etc but he never seems to notice if I make an effort.

He just can't be arsed. I think he'd be as happy with a dog to keep him company as me :( probably happier as less effort and he couldn't accuse the dog of nagging. I'm getting nothing out of this.

Why not come over to this thread you sound like you're in the same position as us.

Gosh you make him sound delightful! Children together? Married? If not i'd be moving on if I were you.

Could he be depressed?

Best start point is 'we need to talk'. A good springboard is to reminisce about the past approaching the conversation along the lines of that quote from Hamlet - 'more in sorrow than in anger'. Regretful rather than accusatory.

"Remember when we first met and we would do (x), go to (x), make an effort for each other, write letters, send flowers, hug and kiss when cooking meals, make love in daft places .... etc.? Remember how you used to be enthusiastic for life, take care of your appearance, smile... etc? What happened to us? Why aren't we like that any more? It makes me very sad"

Then you finish off with something that points out that you miss the old enthusiastic, energetic, affectionate, tidy him so much that, if nothing changes, you think it may be best if you go your separate ways (or whatever outcome you were angling for).

So he's a tight git who can't be arsed to doing anything in his leisure time except slob in front of the box/computer?

If you're married to el slobbo that's encouraging - there'll be a hefty stash of his savings joint marital assets to be divided on divorce

I suggest you organise evenings/days out for the pair of you both with and without your mutual pals. If he's not willing to participate, go on your own. If you have dc you won't have the bother of organising a babysitter - plonk him in front of youtube and let them take care of him.

As for holidays, jet off solo to destinations where you can enjoy cultural experiences and encounters with the natives that will give you a new perspective on life.

Or drag him out on a climb up Ben Nevis and push him off but do make sure he's you're fully insured before you embark on this venture.

As for a 'bit nicer' version of your proposed wording, how about 'darling, unless you get your delectable arse in gear and shag me senseless over the kitchen table right this minute, you're history'?

Ok so you don't want him how he is.

Realistically, is he going to change? Have you confronted him in the past and had an effect?

Do you have children? How old are you? Do you work full time?

Well I could organise stuff but I always do it; I want him to make some effort!

Proposed wording sounds short-termist but purposeful; would need to add "and get those fecking trackie bottoms in the BIN pronto, and the drawstring you've tied them onto your delectable arse with"

Seriously though; "we need to talk" and he automatically becomes defensive and accuses me of trying to get at him when I'm trying to save this relationship. I don't want to leave him; he's my best mate and I used to fancy the pants off him :(

imperial I don't want him how he is, I want him how he was.

I've confronted him a couple of years ago and he really did pull his socks up. They always fall down again though. I probably need to do stuff to but don't know what as he wouldn't bother telling me - he'd just ignore stuff

No DC, we're both about 40, both work full time. Been together 8 years. Sigh.

You know what you should do? Get rid of the internet for a few months. It's so addictive (as any of us here knows) and it can destroy relationships.

Why don't you do that? Say to him that you want three months with no internet to see if you can get back what you had. Of course you can't come on here either, then!

Just for you, honey. The Ballad of Barry and Freda on his favourite channel: www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=victoria%20wood%20youtube%20let%27s%20do&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CC0QtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOZCIKjYDf1g&ei=PnzwT8-9Oamn0AX7_P3sDQ&usg=AFQjCNFlkKra3ilPFXigzdWwyzlUWFE4Xw&cad=rja

just watched the video. don't know whether to laugh or cry. did both to be on the safe side.

Is there any reason why you haven't binned his baggy y-fronts manky t-shirts and trackies?

Donate them to your local charity shop as 'rags' (for which they get paid per kilo) and tell him you responded to an urgent plea for dusters for the sub-Saharan regions of Africa where it's a constant battle to keep homes sand free.

Instead of 'we need to talk' slip Viagra a double vodka into his bedtime cocoa and tell him 'don't talk - just do it'

I'd love to bin his grotty old rags. He doesn't need them. But when I suggest it, he asks me if I'd like it if he started criticising the way I dress. Can't really argue with that. the smartarse

Creative thinking is the way to go, honey. Stop suggesting and play cunning start acting.

Next time his grotty gear goes into the wash add a bright red item that bears a 'cold wash only' label. Alternatively, give his grungy duds the boil wash treatment in the hope that the rags will either fall to pieces or emerge several sizes smaller.

Invite friends round for regular evening/weekend togethers and encourage them to drop in uninvited anytime as the presence of others should ensure that he tears himself away from the screen.

Be tactile with him and use your feminine wiles to inflame his senses - it's easier done than said.

Along with numerous others on the subject, there's a youtube video on 'rock climbing in Bali'. Watch it together and use the opportunity to reminisce about the times when you were roped rather than yoked together.

Bang on for a few days about how it's stirred a deep longing within you to experience the joys of risking your life for no apparent reason mountaineering once again before using his credit card to book a surprise holiday for the pair of you anywhere there's a mound of rock that will suit your purpose - the fact that he's paying should guarantee he turns up at the airport.

If your efforts are to no avail, resort to shock tactics and leave the bastard - it usually makes them come running sit up and take notice

regular evening/weekend get togethers