At a loss as to how to help my sister :(

[GeometricGiraffe]

This may be long so I'll keep it as brief as possible.

My much younger sister is 18. She has been in a (on and off) relationship with a bloke 5 years older for the last year. To be honest, he isn't a very nice bloke. He came to live near us about 18 months ago following a stint in prison, drug problems and owing a lot of money to people in his home town. Tried getting away by coming to live 200 miles away.

Anyway, he has always had a bit of a violent streak in him, he is banned from pubs in 3 towns here due to fighting. He has had problems with alcohol too. But my sister adores him. She knows none of the family like him, that she could do so much better etc. They have previously had fights where both of them have gotten violent. She admits herself she has hit and bitten him in anger. She had never been like this before they met. She sees a counsellor says she has anxiety issues and mild depression.

Last weekend he beat her black and blue. She looked awful and it tore at me inside to see her in such a state from the hands of someone she loves. She ended it, he left the same day and went back to his hometown. She lives with my mum having just finished her college course, mum came home to find a letter saying my sister had left to go see him 200 miles away. My mum is frantic at home, unsure of how to deal with it. Before she was 18, my mum would try impose rules in the hope it would put her off him. But now she's 18, there's nothing anyone can do.

Trying to talk to her is pointless, she clams up or walks off, sometimes telling me to fuck off and mind my own business.

I just want to help her :( She doesn't need this arsehole in her life. He will only get worse but she can't see this, never has. Apparently after last week, it was 'that's it, it's over, I never want to see him again'. She admitted she was terrified after it happened, so why is she going to see him? Argh, part of me wants to shake her with frustration and the other part knows only she can help herself :(

I don't know what to do :(

I may not be able to reply often, I'm going to see my mum today and she lives in the middle of nowhere.

When someone is in the middle of an obsession, all you can do is offer your love. Means letting her know that you'll be there for her when she finally wakes up to this nasty piece of work, having the numbers of women's refuges handy, calling the police if she is harmed etc.. In the case of someone who has low self-esteem, do what you can to reassure them that they are important, talented, beautiful etc.

As you've found, she doesn't want to know the truth. As to why she is going to see him... because she's a naive, optimistic kid and she still thinks love conquers all. She's hoping he will change. Be there when she realises he won't.

I think all you can do is send a text along the lines of "if you ever need me to come and collect you be it next week or in 2 decades I will, no questions asked, all my love x"

That sort of thing

The police tried to encourage her to press charges but she wouldn't because she was worried he might bring her violence to him against her.

She knows I will always be there for her, I guess it's all I can do. My mum took the attitude of 'onwards and upwards' after it happened, she was responding to it so this disappearing act took us all by surprise.