How do I tell exH I have bought a house with DP?

[angeloffreedom]

None of his business, I know, apart from the fact that our children will be living there with me and DP (two nights a week with dad). DP doesn't live with us at present. I have a tiny house I bought with the money exH deigned to give me, topped up with a huge mortgage, and although we like it, we could do with a lot more space. The only way DP and I will even contemplate living together is for us to buy a joint property and move in together. We want a place that is ours, not mine. We are fortunate to have the means to achieve this.

I think exH may kick off because:
Our financial hearing was only in April, after more than 3 years of separation, and he agreed to give me a considerable sum to represent the remainder of my portion of the equity in the marital home. I received this amount just three weeks ago.
Despite our lengthy separation, and his new relationship, there are indications that he cares more than he should about what I am doing with my life.
He is jealous of DP, and has accused DD1 (14) of seeing DP and his little girl as 'family', to the detriment of her relationship with her own father.
He is likely to be annoyed at 'funding' my life with DP, as I will use the recent settlement and the equity in my house as a deposit on the new property. I expect that he sees this as 'his' money, since he gave it to me.
He thinks that I lied in court, as I stated that I was not co-habiting (and I said this because it was true) and has told DD1 that I lied to him about my relationship with DD. I signed my Form E in Dec last year and said then that I was not co-habiting and did not intend to do so in the next 6 months. This was true, and remained so. In fact, DP and I have been able to buy a house together far sooner than we expected, for reasons that are nothing to do with exH and the settlement.

So, the plan is to email him (our usual method of communication) the day after we move to advise the new address. I need to say that DP will be living there because if I don't, I am putting the DDs in a very difficult position, for he is sure to ask them.

How would you handle this? I am getting so stressed about him kicking off. He was emotionally abusive to me and there have been several incidents, particularly with DD1 recently, where he has been emotionally abusive to the children. DP and I want to enjoy our new home, and the improved standard of living for us and the DDs, without the shadow of exH and his unreasonable behaviour hanging over us.

If the children know you are moving one of them may accidentally let something slip before you move so be prepared for the shit to hit the fan earlier than you want.

As such it may be better to tell him asap rather than leave it until after?

Are you drawing up a document to protect the money from the sell of your house plus what else you are putting in as you are not married.

Unless I've missed something, I have no idea what difference it makes to your XH, except as a courtesy because of the DCs. In which case you say "just for your info: DP and I are buying a house together. I will obviously let you the address once it's settled".
It seems that all the things you are trying to justify have nothing to do with XH but you are just thinking he may kick off.
Why do you care? You're breaking no laws or agreements.

Agree with Mushroom, its really nothing to do with him. as long as he has new address then he doesnt need to know anything else....do not get involved in explaining/debating things with him.

Are you actually divorced? You talk about 3 years of separation and a financial hearing, but don't say whether you are divorced or not.

At 14, I would think your DD1 is old enough to decide for herself whether she wants the aggravation of his presence in her life.

As Xales points out, you need to make sure your finances are protected in this new living arrangement with your DP. See a solicitor and draw up a proper cohabitation/finance agreement.

so your DP has no money to put forward this deposit....
please make sure you see a solicitor about it - there were threads on this forum about exP's not wanting to move out of property where they not put any money towards it in the process of buying - make sure you protect yourself and your DDs future

The problem is that the court needs to know about your plans to cohabit because if you do have a serious relationship, his assets are relevant in your financial settlement because it goes to the issue of what you need.

I am afraid that if a hearing in April is conducted on the basis that you are not cohabiting and have no plans to... If by June you are movingin with new partner, it does raise an immediate suspicion about how honest you were. The duty in financial proceedings is for full and frank disclosure. If you haven't complied with that duty, the court can revisit final orders.

You are going to have to tell him and I am afraid he could well have legitimate grounds for complaint.

Sorry, but if he is unreasonable and suspicious, this will give him a peg to hang it all on. I still think you would do better to be open about it ASAP. Hopefully he will be advised not to pursue it.

Your dp clearly does have assets, he will have a share in the new property.

Facebook?!!

how far are you moving? would that by nay chance inconvenience him?
I am asking as this he can hold against you

This is slightly tangential, but I read your post and it started ringing a few alarm bells. You are moving into a new house that you are funding with your DP because he has no assets. I have no idea how he has got to this stage in life with no assets despite having an income 40% greater than yours. It's possible that you don't earn a lot, in which case his income is not sufficient to have built up an asset. Or you do earn reasonably in which case his greater income is being squandered. The first scenario is preferable to the second from your perspective.

But still here it is. The facts remain that essentially you are the one putting up the cold hard cash for this new house. You absolutely must make sure that this is protected. Second marriages are far more likely to fail than first ones. Be sensible.

And FWIW I would counsel you against doing anything that is not open and honest. You may be right that this will cause an issue with your EX-H - I don't know him and I don't know you. But I do know that two wrongs don't make a right and getting your DDs involved in lying and stuff has to be wrong.

Good luck though.

As you've obviously decided to instruct your dds to deceive their df handle this matter in your own way, I'm at somewhat of a loss to understand why you've posted here.

The fact that you've planned to buy a house - which presumably has involved considerable decision making and viewing of suitable properties - for the purpose of moving your currently non-resident dp into your dds' lives on a full time basis - and appear to be proceeding with the purchase without having engaged in any prior dialogue or consultation with your dds speaks for itself.

I get the feeling that whatever you're told here will fall on deaf ears but, neverthless, I will add my voice to xales and exhort you to ensure that your lump sum monetary contribution to the purchase of any property in which it is intended that you and your dp are named as joint owners/mortgagees is protected by legal deed and your revised or new Will prior to the completion of any such purchase in the interests of your dds, if not yourself.

If you fail to protect your own and your dds interests, in the event that your current relationship ends in tears you will find the law is less generous to unmarried couples than the divorce Courts.

As both of your dds have rampant hormones are young teenagers it's probable that, when you summarily announce that they are expected to up sticks and move into a 'blended' family unit within a matter of weeks without so much as a by your leave, your carefully laid plans will bite you on the bum sooner rather than later. Good luck with that.

Have you heard of the saying 'out of the frying pan, into the fire'? Sadly, many have rued the day they failed to heed its warning.

I would head off any unpleasant issues with limited information, so an e-mail now saying "I wanted to let you know in case DD tells you, I've decided to move to a larger property now the financial settlement is agreed. I will be staying within X area to avoid too much disruption to DD and of course will let you have the new address. Obviously selling my current property could take some time, I will keep you updated."

That way he cant accuse you of keeping things from him or put DD in a difficult situation, until you DP is living with you, why have that conversation. In this market (assuming you don't have a buyer lined up already) it could easily take 6 months before you are in your new house together.

However I'd echo the others here, make sure you do properly ring fence your money, and probe why your DP has got to this stage in his life with no assists, small savings but a large income.

Sorry, just re-read, you've already sold yours and bought the new house, assuming you haven't even let the Dds see it? That's a problem. Did you have your house on the market before you got the settlement? Does seem a bit rushed.

Keeping a house move from children doesn't sit well with me. That's the problem I see.

From a legal standpoint, as Spero mentions upthread, your exH may make an application to set aside the court order as the agreement was based on either a capitalisation of spousal maintenance, or a more general assumption that you were not anticipating cohabiting.

This is one of the few examples of cases where consent orders are consistently set aside.

As only 3 months have passed, I think you should be prepared for that possibility, which would mean yet more legal costs on top of possibly an amended order. Your partner will have to provide details of his financial position if he cohabits with you in the meantime.

You also need to be very careful when you buy this next house together. I'd recommend that you buy as tenants in common rather than joint tenants.

I'd also recommend that you make a will to ensure that your estate goes to your children, not your partner. You could grant him a right to reside or a life interest in the property so that he wouldn't have to sell straight away if you died when the children are under 18/21.

btw on the wills front, if you're interested, I have a paid for advert over on the Small Business section of Mumsnet for my will writing business, but I appreciate that isn't going to be your primary concern.

And you also need to bear in mind that although the general rule now is to make no order as to costs, if a court finds litigation misconduct it always has a discretion to make costs orders against offending party.

So my fear is that the more you sneak around, the more angry you make your ex - and you could then find yourself on the sharp end of a revised final order AND have to pay the costs of those proceedings. Obviously! I don't know the ins and outs of your case, but I would be very surprised if your solicitor thought this was a trivial issue. To what extent was your dp's financial position/your future plans explored at the final hearing?

Can't help feeling you need to build bridges with your ex for DDs sakes regardless of how angry he is. He sounds v bitter and twisted despite the time that has passed but it sounds like you are going to stoke the fire with this move.
Can you not speak to him face to face (in a safe place).

I think it looks bad. How long have you known this new man?

I think your ex sounds like a controlling arse but I cannot believe you're planning on moving your children to a new home with your DP without having discussed it with them at all, quite apart from the legalities. Presenting children with a fait accompli and then going on to ask them to keep it a secret from their father is a Very Bad Idea.

If you haven't actually bought the house (I'm not clear), then I would take a very big step back.

You and your EX both sound like you are using your children as pets. Neither of you sound as though you care for their feelings at all. They should never have to lie for either of you.

Don't you think they should have some say in moving house, and moving in with your boyfriend?

I agree that your ex is being horrible, but you are no better. It really does look from the timing that you have been lying to the courts to get more money and that your EX is subsidising your new boyfriend.

I feel so sorry for all the children you are dragging into this.

'Beauty fades, but dumb is forever'. This house purchase sounds dumb.

Where is the financial agreement over this house? Has it been very clearly stated what YOUR equity in the house is, and that that shall be returned to you? Who will pay more of the mortgage? Have you worked out an equity share should the partnership break down?

Don't be dumb! Protect yourself!

Was this DP part of the marriage breakup?

I think your husband, however horrible he might be, is raising some valid points.

OP, karma is a funny thing. If you DON'T work out your issues, they come and bite you again, harder.
It doesn't matter who the different face is, the issues are the same. Your starry eyed and less-than-open approach is building some big problems into your future.

PS - at least send your beloved partner an email stating the financial facts and your expectations for the future. Hopefully he will reply to it, even disagreeing - and you have the facts in writing.

DP and I have a legal agreement relating to our house purchase, will be tenants in common and are in the process of making new wills.

Things have gone through quickly because we are buying a new build and the developers have accepted my house in part exchange. We complete in a little over 6 weeks.

DP doesn't have a lot of money to bring to this because to do that, he would have to force the sale of the house in which his exP lives, which affects her, her two children from her marriage, and the child they had together. However, his savings of over £30k will cover our legal fees and stamp duty.

My DDs adore DP, have a warm, loving and supportive relationship with him and when he is not here, talk to him on the phone/Skype, text him, and email him. In fact, they have more contact with DP than they do with their dad, who will happily go two weeks between seeing them without making contact at all, or just one or two texts. It is DP who goes up to say good night to them without fail, and they will yell down the stairs if he's not quick enough! When we lived with exH, he would sit downstairs reading the paper or watching the tv while I put the girls to bed, and he wouldn't even bother to go and say good night to them.

The DDs like where we live, but do not like the tiny house we live in. They know that it will be possible soon for us to move somewhere bigger, and have suggested the new development as somewhere they would like to live. They will be delighted that it will be DP's home too, as we have been on holiday together and spent a great deal of time together, all four of us, over the past 18m.

I haven't told the DDs yet that the move is going ahead, because DP is working abroad until next weekend and we want to go to the new house together with the girls. They will be so excited, as it is something they have been looking forward to for months.

My exH is a controlling arse, and an abuser, and a narcissist. Many on here are well aware that people of this type are incredibly difficult to deal with. Remember that this is a man determined to hold on to 'his' enormous house, no matter what, even to the detriment of his own children and their mother.

I do not want the DDs to keep secrets from him, but he must hear the news from me, not them. They know their dad, and how difficult he is to be around (as DD1 said to me in tears a few weeks ago, "Why do I have to keep proving to daddy that I love him?") and they love him anyway. They also are aware of how difficult is has been for me to provide for them when he was determined to hang on to as much money as possible.

You know he is an arse, you know he will want hang onto as much money as possible... And you are giving him a pretty good excuse to unleash these tendencies full on by attempting to hide something so significant. He will probably assume that your dp is loaded and is putting up majority of equity or will pay most of mortgage.

As you haven't dealt with the question about the extent to to which all this was canvassed at the final hearing, I assume the answer is 'not much, if at all'. Therefore I am worried you are setting yourself up for a fall and I think you need to run this by your solicitor re best way of disclosing what you are doing.