I have ruined everything.

[frowniefuckingface]

Hi, I have posted a couple of times before, neither were a great success mainly because I am shit at saying how I feel.

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

My dp and I are going through a rough time. We are not communicating and just not understanding each other.

The main focus of our difficulties is how much each of us and my parents (we live with my parents) do around the house. I have said over and over and over again that he doesn't have to do everything himself, and I am trying to help however when I say 'I will do that tomorrow' he will do it now. He is trying to do everything himself.

He is also ill, he broke his back when he was a teenager, this has left him in constant pain, and has a neurological disorder. I try to understand however I just do not seem to be able to understand enough to help. I say that I am here for him. I know that it pisses him off when I get upset when he is in pain, but sometimes it is hard to see the person you love in pain.

This leads me onto another problem, I am constantly tearful with low moods. I was diagnosed with depression about 5 years ago and in the past couple of months it has come back. I have a doctors appointment on Monday. The reason why it has come m back is a combination of things including the fact that I no longer seem desirable to him, we have not had sex in 5 months because he is in pain. But as selfish as it sounds it makes me feel as though he no longer finds me attractive it makes me feel low. We no longer cuddle or show affection either.

Now because of the depression I have got it into my head that he is seeing someone else. He helps his parents out (his father has broken his hip) and often stays over that's fine, he also works late but he has always done so since we met 3 and half years ago. Last week I did something so stupid that I am berating myself and feel sick with myself - I looked through his phone and I found some messages from a woman who I now to be a colleagues wife. The messages were a little flirty but harmless really. After reading them I confronted him and asked if he was seeing someone else. He was so hurt and so calm explaining that no he wasn't having an affair and that she is someone who he can talk to about his medical problems because she is going through similar. I was so apologetic and said that I did not actually think he was having an affair its more about me feeling so insecure in our relationship.

Any way I wrote him a letter to explain everything, about why I looked at his phone, and how I do appreciate him and am upset that he cannot talk to me about his medical problems. I also explained the depression/anxiety and how it is affecting my judgement. We slowly started talking again but last night he was staying at his mum and dads, and I had a couple of vino's and spilled my heart out to my mum. I asked her not to get involved. What did she do? She sent him a message to collect all of his stuff and take our dogs. When I found this out I tried to explain to my partner that I talked to my mum about it and she has got the wrong end of the stick and no he is not being kicked out. I also ended up having to go home from work early, he has not come home, I do not know where he is, he is not answering his phone or responding to texts. I cant really blame him for that.

When I got home, I was greeted by my drunk parents asking how I could have got them involved, all I did was speak to them. And that my mum is now going through hell because I got her involved and she did something wrong and that it is my fault. I have tried to explain that I am unwell and I am not coping. It doesn't matter. My father wants to speak to my partner and I have begged him not to. I do not think he will.

I am in such a dark place and I want to make it right but I just cant see how. I have contemplated doing something stupid so the doctors on Monday will not come soon enough. I have not slept in days and have not eaten since Tuesday. I have hurt my partner and I don't know if I can make it right.

I replied a short but sweet the boys are OK. I just want to say thank you for all the replies to this. It really helps to have some perspective from people outside the situation because you cant always see everything when you are inside of it.

This is why you need to spend a considerable period of time apart from him; meeting up to 'talk' or for social purposes during the coming will only serve to blur the wood and the trees again.

Communicate with him about the canines but keep it brief, and don't make any plans to see him for a few weeks.

Despite his protestations about his alleged colleague's wife, I find it significant that he's flirting with confiding in her and not in you and sounds as if he has emotionally engaged with this ow to the detriment of your relationship.

It can be scary to end a relationship that's become more of a habit than a life-enhancing experience, but if you're feeling depressed and dispirited at this stage you'll be ill-advised to let your heart rule your head and move in with him.

We have been living together for 18 months already and it is the past few months that is has gone tits up.

He just blames me for everything saying that I do not support him. Even though I do try to but if he doesn't tell me anything then how the fuck can I. I think he is blaming me to make it easier for him to leave. And he is not listening to me or he holds his head in his hands when I try to tell him about my mental health problems because it makes him feel guilty.

In my heart of hearts I think he is seeing someone else, and is biding his time before leaving. I also think he is running away from our problems thinking that the grass is greener and all that shit. The grass wont be greener.

I am just getting annoyed now.

Annoyed is good :) Or it's at least more appropriate than hating yourself, blaming yourself and thinking the world has ended. Annoyed means your mind is sharper. I often think relationships have a slight 'drug' effect. When you're with someone all the time, they occupy your thoughts so much that your world contracts and your perception gets skewed. When they're out of the picture the effect wears off, the mist clears you start to see them for what they really are. Hope you thanked your Mum...

The anger is only short lived and then it is replaced with anxiety and a feeling of despair. I need to get that sorted before I can go with the anger.

The anger is your 'head' emotion - cold, hard, 'how dare he?', get me a knife, rationality. I think you've been suppressing this anger for a while and that's why you've been so unhappy. The anxiety and despair are 'heart-based' - regrets, fear of implications, sorrow, loneliness. At this stage in break-ups, a lot of people give in to the anxiety, take back the ex and get that short-term relief from getting things back to normal. So take your time to acknowledge that you're angry at being told your feelings should take a back seat and that his are more important. Don't rush.

Gosh, no wonder you don't know whether you are coming or going :(

I would be very unhappy about the texts tbh, whether he is having an affair with this woman, i don't know but it is really sad that he can't talk to you about his problems and this is a huge red flag for the future of this relationship.

Another worrying thing for me is your parents - It sounds like they are awful and controlling, i am actually more worried about their affect on your life than your DP. To be fair, you can move on from your DP and maybe he just cannot put up with THEM? or maybe things have gone cold for you both, i dont know but the fact they got drunk and had a go at you was a terrible thing to do.

Do you have a job that would maybe allow you to rent a flat for a while? I think you need to be given space, by everyone

I think I need space too. My parents are OK most of the time I know that it must be very unhealthy for me. I think my brothers have been trying to tell me this for years. But hey ho.

I suppose the thing I am saddest about is the dogs neither of us are able to look after them on our own. And they are unable to stay with my parents because my parents are too old.

Tomorrow or maybe Tuesday depends, I am going to phone his mum and ask how often he stays over. I think from that I will know if he is actually fucking me around.

I have given him so many chances over the past couple of weeks to come clean if there is someone else. I have asked him if it was over.

I need to stop thinking, I need to sleep. But that is impossible when your heart is going like the clappers.

Why are neither of you able to look after the dogs on your own? You said he's been living with you at your dps' home - where have the dogs been living?

It takes two to look after them because they are big strong dogs I cannot walk them on my own and neither can he, my parents are too old and not strong enough, they are at my parents house with us as well as their dogs.

I will not be able to afford rent anywhere that will let me keep them and afford a dog walker. So the only option I can see is to get them re homed as it is unfair on them.

I have realised how I support him, its with my love, I have never taken it away. And even after finding out the extent of his medical problems I stayed and said I would look after him.

He can only see what needs doing, the practical side of the relationship. And he thinks I get stroppy when these things are being done. I don't I ask how I can help and he normally tells me 'its fine'. And when I do, do the things that need doing before him, it is never right and he will sometimes do it again or inspect what I have done to make sure it is up to his standard.

Good grief. When you undertake some chore or other before he does it is never right and he will sometimes do it again or inspect what I have done to make sure it is up to his standard

And you wonder why you're depressed? The man is an arse.

You are right izzyizin, I had my doctors appointment today, OK it was only a text but I told him what happened in it and the outcome, and nada nothing. I now need to get the meds to kick in and then kick his sorry arse to the curb.

Why did you bother to text him about your appointment?

If you've got a foot or 2 on the end of your legs you don't need any meds to kick in before you give his controlling arse a good thwack into the curb.