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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

would it be a mistake to go and visit him?

18 replies

peppapiglet · 30/06/2012 16:28

Ok, so I split with bf after 13 months. my decision as he was becoming abusive and controlling, possessive, all the red flags. I havent seen or heard from him for 2 weeks. We went through a lot together, he helped me through divorce, I had supported him as his ex wife was making contact with their son difficult for him. we had both been in marriages over 10 years. please note, i was separated from my ex for 2 yrs before i got together with p.
I split with p and then found out i was pregnant, he knew and he wanted us to make a go of it. i knew i couldnt, i wasnt in the right place at all not to mention those red flags. I considered abortion and then had a miscarriage. the ms was confirmed 1st June.
I just feel there is no closure and i am thinking about him a lot. would it be a mistake to visit him? not with the hope of getting back together and i wouldnt want to give him that hope, but just for closure, as we left on bad terms :-(

OP posts:

hidingbeneathanamechange · 30/06/2012 16:37

It would reopen old wounds and stop both of you moving on. I really don't think it would give either of you closure.

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 16:42

Those red flags are still waving and they've now been joined the red flag of your misplaced desire to gain 'closure'.

The only closure you need is that one that comes from chalking him up to experience and moving on older, wiser, and better placed to avoid making similar errors of judgement in the future.

If you decide to ignore the advice you get here, don't have unprotected sex with him again.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 30/06/2012 16:46

yes i know the red flags are still there. I would not have sex with him at all. I dont want to be with him, i just feel i need to talk to him for me i suppose. maybe its still too raw anyway. Im finding things difficult :-( How is it a misplaced desire? I am all open ears....

OP posts:

Lueji · 30/06/2012 17:09

Yes.
What you need is to put distance between him and you.

itsthequietones · 30/06/2012 17:32

I remember reading your previous thread about your xbf. I think it would be a really bad idea to contact him. If you're still thinking about getting in touch with him re-read it, he wasn't just becoming abusive and controlling, he was already there. He put you through hell. You've got away, don't let yourself get dragged back there again, you're worth so much more than that.

JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 17:37

Only needed to read 2 or 3 sentences to know 100% it would be a very big mistake to go and see him.

A lot of relationships end on bad terms. Just life. But I suspect that isn't the real reason you want to see him again..

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 17:50

It's misplaced because, although they can assume a mask of false sympathy if there's something in it for them, abusive, controlling, and possessive individuals do not have the ability to empathise with, or feel compassion for, their victims and there's a danger that this man will seek to further abuse/exploit your good nature at a time when you are emotionally 'raw'.

IME traumatic events do not lend themselves to 'closure' in the sense that we can continue as if they never happened or never think about them again, but the passage of time can enable us to reach some accomodation within ourselves whereby they do not dominate our thoughts.

If you have unresolved issues in connection with your mc I would suggest you make contact with an organisation such as www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk who have the expertise to counsel and help you come to terms with any feelings of loss you may be experiencing.

(((hugs))) honey, this too will pass.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 30/06/2012 18:18

ok. Im listening. I need to get through this. thanks for reminding me he put me through hell, because he
did.. how could i forget that. My problem being i have a window of time as my ds is at his dads, i dont have anything planned and there is an anxiety that is making me want to go there. I am trying to control it, seriously i am. I have died my hair lol and i think i will be spending saturday night at the gym. deep breaths.. i am going to re-read this when i am back.
thanks izzizin, you have no idea how much those ((hugs)) mean, even though they are virtual..
Just fabulous - what other reason are you thinking? if you are thinking i want to see him for sex, well that is one of the other reasons this relationship wasn't right for me..
itqo - thank you for reminding me and remembering me :-)

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 18:40

In other words, you've got time on your hands and nothing better to do...

Go the gym and after you've worked out, showered, and made yourself look and feel gorgeous, pop into your nearest salbubrious local and reward yourself with a

Hearing others having a laugh will remind you what Saturday nights are for and, who knows, you may get invited back for next Saturday night

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 18:56

salbubrious?? salubrious

Original poster

peppapiglet · 30/06/2012 20:30

izzyizin you're right, however i dont quite have the confidence to go to my local on my own.. as a woman? do women do that? Im feeling very low :-(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2012 20:36

I have to say I think it's really bad advice to say to a woman who is so low she hankers after an abusive man that she should go into a pub on her own. She is likely to attract the same again.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 30/06/2012 20:45

IB.. seems i am rather naive. after 13 yrs with exH. I seriously did not know men could be that bad. He was manipulative, controlling and seemed to get a kick out of it. Ive had my eyes opened, but i just wish i hadnt. Its made me very wary and i just dont seem to see things the same anymore :-( I dont trust. why i feel as i do i cant explain. I knew he wasnt right, so why do i feel almost heartbroken, it is ridiculous?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 21:00

I don't agree, IB.

Abusers don't confine themselves to pubbing and clubbing and they can be found in the most innocuous of venues such as the library, bridge club, evening classes, etc as well as online.

A 'naice' local can be a speedy way of extending one's social circle, and has the advantage of being a source of gossip knowledge about those who frequent it and those in the immediate wider community who don't.

If, on the other hand, you are saying that a woman who has just emerged from an abusive relationship would benefit from time out of the dating whirl to tweak her twat radar I would concur, with the proviso that she engages in other distractions to minimise the risk of her obsessing about her abuser.

Shirsten · 30/06/2012 22:15

I do feel for you, Peppapiglet. Wanting to get closure is an important way of closing a chapter and moving on. I didn't get it with either of my last two relationships. The most recent one was short lived but the previous one was with an EA man and went on for 5/6 years.

I kicked him out the morning we were due to fly on holiday together and never saw or spoke to him again. It was incredibly hard because I wanted him to turn up with a bunch of flowers apologising for being so awful and then we could sort things out. I knew, however, that he wasn't going to do this and I had to be strong and not respond to any of his attempts to get in touch.

As Izzyizin has said, there is no closure with an EA man. What we want is some acknowledgement that they are sorry, that we meant something to them, that they will miss us in some way. This is highly unlikely to happen. It's more likely that they'll see it as yet another opportunity to assert their control and manipulate the other person.

You are pining for the man you hoped he would turn into; the man he could be sometimes (but unfortunately was not all the time); the man he was in the beginning.

I get it - I spent years waiting for that to happen. There are also other issues that bond us to our abusers. Have you read up on trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding link here

I felt heartbroken after I finished with mine but I wouldn't want to see him now. I had to accept that I wasn't going to get closure and try and deal with it myself. It was really hard but I knew that any attempt to speak to my ex would end up with him sneering at me again. You will feel better in time, I promise.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 17:53

Izzy, I think that unless you're in a major city, a woman on her own in a bar often looks vulnerable. A lot of men are attracted to that and draw you in whilst you're at a low ebb, before showing you what complete tossers they really are.

I agree, she's better off avoiding relationships at the moment.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 03/07/2012 14:15

ok, so i havent made any contact but wonder why i keep looking at pictures etc and thinking about him. i cant seem to let go :-( i drove to a familiar place today where we had been to get a feeling of "comfort" is that normal? however he wasnt a comfort and i spent months being anxious. it is so confusing! any ideas? im sure a lot of this is normal and part of the "grief" but i have been through this too many times in relationships :-( i feel i will never trust any man and will end up single forever

OP posts:

piestomake · 03/07/2012 15:20

Its part of the grieving process. You've lost a relationship and had a MC, both traumatic events. I really wouldn't advise getting in touch with him at all. Things will get better. Time really does help. Try to keep busy , distract yourself when tempted to contact him and remember all the bad things. What about finding local groups just to get out and socialise more? Look up meetup.com in your area. There might be something that sounds appealing.

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