Huge row with DH, have to vent!

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This feels very trivial to be posting on here given what some people are going through but I just thought it would at least make me feel better to "talk" to someone.

I'm 26 weeks pg and emotional, bear with me!

Basically I had a huge row with DH last night. We hardly every have big blow outs - probably 3 in the 3 years we've been together! It was about his diabetes (type 2) - he was told this week by his GP that he has to go on insulin because he is not controlling his blood sugar through his diet. He has been eating chocolate like there's no tomorrow no matter what I or any of his family says. Of course I'm worried about him - I want him to be around for our baby! So this week he says he has tried really hard and not eaten chocolate. But his blood sugar is still high (because of all the crap he's eaten up to now presumably) and yesterday it was 22 (should be 5-7!!) and then went down to 10. He then decides to eat a small chocolate bar and two cookies as a "treat". I went off on one - I'm worried about future, his health, if it was me he'd want me to be healthy, he's undoing all his good work but I know it's hard blah blah. He says he doesn't want to discuss it, give him a break etc. I stomp off upstairs to bed. I slam the door and he shouts "Fuck you!". I shout down the stairs "don't you dare say fuck you to me when it's only because I care about you". We don't cross paths for the rest of the night (he sleeps in spare room).

Then this morning I get up and shower and ask him what time we're going out (we were supposed to look for furniture for the baby's room then meet his dad). He says he's not going anywhere. I then start saying again it's only because I'm worried, is he going to apologise for swearing at me (no), why is he sulking, he's behaving like a little prick etc. etc. He starts saying "Go away I'm not interested in talking to you, piss off before I do something I regret". I go and get dressed and we haven't spoken since. I text his dad and told him we're not meeting him and explain everything. (FIL who I get on very well with has type 1 diabetes and I hope he can talk sense into DH). He texts back that he will speak to DH later if not sorted.

So basically I have pottered around the house all day with DH sitting in silence upstairs. He has gone out twice without a word, and has now gone to meet FIL by himself (FIL text to say sorry I'm not there too, DH won't speak about it but FIL will "try again later").

This all sounds so silly and I know it's just a stupid row that every couple has, but I'm swinging between furious that he's so immature, thinking about the baby and crying etc., feel like I'm going nuts and now having a shit weekend!!

Sorry this is so long but I just needed to get it out!

Not trivial or silly at all, he needs to face up to the fact that eating sweets etc without insulin etc is very dangerous, I can't remember if it is hypo/hyper he could go, or worse a diabetic coma (sorry not trying to scare but im sure you know all this anyway!)

If he really doesn't want to give up the chocolate etc there are diabetic varieties out there

Piss off before I do something I regret is something I would find hard, if not impossible, to forget.

I actually wouldnt feel safe around my dh if he said that to me.

Saying fuck you and calling your partner a little prick is not the kind of behaviour two soon to be parents should be engaging in. This is a serious issue and you should at this stage in your lives both be able to sit down and talk about it like adults.

What did he mean when he said "piss of before I do something I regret"?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and respond.

Dany, my FIL says maybe he will be better off on insulin but it just sounded so serious and final to me, I freaked out. I think if a person gets a chance to control an illness, they should.

Gnocchi and Cailin - I don't know what that meant. I swear he has never been violent (nor have I) and honestly we have had just 3 "raised voices/swearing" arguments in our relationship. I assume he meant I needed to leave him alone and stop nagging.

I know it sounds bad. I would be thinking the same if I had read an OP like this. I am 36, he is 33, been married not a year yet, fell pg after TTC for 4 months and normally we are so happy and "normal"! I suppose we both need some cooling off time. I think I should go out for some fresh air instead of staying indoors stewing over it.

Yes, let the air clear and then ask him to sit down and have a calm chat about it. Make a resolution not to raise your voice or resort to insults and ask him to do the same. If he starts getting worked up tell him you think he's too angry to continue and you'll have to leave it till he's calm. Don't get angry yourself, stay calm. This is an important problem that needs to be resolved, plus you both need to learn a better way of communicating before the baby is born because the stress will only go upwards once that happens.

He sounds massively irresponsible. This is NOT trivial at all.

"something I might regret" would set my alarm bells ringing.

To be fair, dealing with a chronic illness can be incredibly hard. It takes a huge mental adjustment and a lot of people go into denial and behave rather stupidly. When called on it they become very defensive because they are totally aware of how dangerous and silly it is but can't get their heads around the lifestyle changes they need to make. Plenty of smokers continue to smoke even after a serious diagnosis, and plenty of obese people continue to eat despite knowing the risks.

Does your DH seem worried about going on insulin?

Yellow, I know what you mean but he's not violent or an angry person and I don't feel in danger. I wouldn't put my baby in that situation. We just need to both cool off today.

Thank you, Cailin. I am going to go out now (he's still out) to clear my head. Thank you for your advice about talking to him sensibly - I do regret what I said as well - which I will take.

He was diagnosed with type 2 years ago (before I came along), avoided sugar totally for a year then slid back into not watching his diet. He said the GP wanted to put him on insulin straight away but he asked for 3 months to try again with the diet.

Welll I just got home and tried to apologise. He told me to go away and he's not interested in talking. I said I wanted to talk and i was sorry i called him a name and id bought him some diabetic chocolate. he said get away from me. He wouldn't listen. I rang his dad who said he wouldn't listen to him and step mum either. He said to give dh time to calm down and see what it's like tmw. His dad said dh had been buying stuff for the baby today. I don't know what to do other than wait.

He's being like this because he knows he is in the wrong and is just as worried about his health as you are. He just can't stop himself eating the stuff he shouldn't.

My late husband was just the same - and yes, I'm sorry to say he did die at the age of 45.

I really don't know what the answer is - only he can take responsibility for controlling his diet. I don't think there is any point in giving him horror stories about amputated feet and blindness at this stage. I think as things stand, he would be much better taking insulin.

Busy I'm so sorry for your loss

I read this thread and a couple of things came to mind:

Firstly if his blood sugar is way off the scale then he will be irrational, grumpy and illogical. Which may account for some of what you are experiencing.

Secondly I really would advise you to not talk about his diet/diabetes for a while. IME it won't be helping him. I have been through similar with my dh and it is hard. But he is an intelligent adult and knows the score with regard to his condition and health. You need to leave him to sort it out and approach you where you can then offer your support.

Thirdly, insulin is not an easy option and I would not reccomend it unless it really is the last resort. Sorry. Also even if his GP wants him to use insulin your dp does not have to accept this course of treatment and can remain on tablets/diet control of diabetes.

I do understand where you are and it is so hard to watch someone deal with this.

It might be worth knowing that high blood sugar (especially as high as your DH's) can cause volatile mood swings and aggression... he might not even know why he feels so angry himself.

Unfortunately, if that is the cause, trying to talk to him about it and control his sugar through diet is likely to just make him even more furious and stubborn.

If it was my DH (he also has diabetes, although diet-controlled atm), I would leave him with his normal eating (just for the time being), and encourage him to go on the insulin.

Once the insulin brings his sugars back down to a more reasonable level, you might get further with talking to him about his diet (exercise does wonders too).

Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

He has to listen as he is acting irresponsibly and totally unacceptably towards you. Making threats need to be stopped too.

I think you should stop crawling to him, begging and pleading for forgiveness when actually HE is the one who has behaved badly here. Would he prefer you didn't care if he chomped his way into a coma or until he was blind or his foot fell off?!

He is being vile to you. He has threatened you. He is treating you with contempt and your crime? caring about him.

If that was me, I'm afraid the only thing I would be saying to him at this point, after being threatened, is fine, you want to do what you like? go ahead. Eat your body weight in chocolate and whatever happens is fine. I don't care any more.

I agree with what CailinDana said. Also British Diabetic Asociation are incredibly helpful and it might be worth giving them a ring as they have a helpline.

Type 2s end up with more amputations/blindness etc as they tend not to take their diabetes as seriously as type 1 diabetics.

BTW, I think diabetics can have a lot of mood/blood sugar swings and I know that my sister used to be vile sometimes from being too high or low. What has worked massively for her is following a dukan/primal type diet and pretty much avoiding all processed carbs and even fruit. It took her over 20 years to discover this diet and her blood sugar is now excellent. I (as a sugar addict) would also recommend dukan. BTW diabetic chocolate is gross. There are nice sweet recipes in the primal plan or even atkins type bars are ok as an occasional treat, diabetic chocolate is horrid.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I just want to be back to normal! This time yesterday evening we were snuggled on the sofa together and now I feel totally alone.

Thank you all for being so kind

Stop apologising for a start - trying to help him stop himself from going blind/losing limbs isn't wrong....him calling you names and threatening violence is. That said, if his blood sugars are as erratic as yesterday, then I wouldn't be surprised if his behaviour is related to that as already mentioned

My Dad dies from failing to manage Type 2 diabetes, despite a LOT of help and support.

I feel so sorry for you and angry on your behalf at him.

Sorry that was totally unhelpful of me!

I meant - you are not in the wrong to be worried about this.

My brother has only just sorted himself out, despite being diagnosed over twenty years ago. I think he just couldn't come to terms with the fact he had to control his drinking and eating in comparison to all his pals.

Sitting down and talking about how you'd feel if something happened to him might work, otherwise just controlling his diet as best you can till he 'gets it' himself.

Hope he gets there soon.

To be honest he's the one being a prick, you tried loads of times to apologise and talk things through. He needs to grow the hell up.

See if it was me, I would be giving him the silent treatment and you did nothing wrong, you are concerned about his health and rightly so. I think you're trying to hard and grovelling and he's using it to his advantage, maybe to get a sense of control? Who knows.