He has declared war!

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

STBXH received his letter from my solicitor setting out contact arrangements and asking him to move his tools from the garden. It also said for him to contact my solicitor if he has any issues with what it said he was to contact my solicitor.
On Wednesday he was supposed to have the boys straight from school as I had a late meeting. I told him my meeting started at 2 and was set to finish at 5 but might not last that long. In the morning he text me to say did I still need him to be at home when ds3's but dropped him off, I replied 'yes'. At about 3.45 they decided to have a break in the meeting so I checked my phone, there was a message from him to say 'is there any chance you can get home, it would be a massive help' which I know from experience means he isn't going to get back! I replied I would go home (ds get home about 4.10) so I left. I got stuck in traffic and ds's bus arrived home early. I wasn't too far, about 5 mins away, so I agreed to let ds2 look after ds3 in the back garden. Anyway my mum had arrived as the bus pulled out so the boys where only alone for about 2 mins. I was in a right state when I got home so when he rang to say is was on his way round to see the boys I said no!
He has arrived this morning to take ds2 to his watersports club as totally let rip. His is not happy that I am taking charge, he says I am stopping him from seeing his kids as I have said he has to take them out and not just stay here. He says he has nowhere to take them as he lives with his dad and it is not suitable for them to be there. He then says he is going to use everything he can against me especially Wednesday as it was all my fault .
Also 5 years ago we got into major financial trouble with our mortgage. I did try and tell him we could pay it but he would just blow up and tell me to just pay it (ok if you have it) our mortgage was £900 a month and we only had £1200 coming in! Because of the way his his over things like money and the way he reacted when I told him I just kept quiet until the court summons came and I panicked! I did a stupid thing and tried to get a loan in joint names, without his knowledge to pay off the arrears, I came to my senses and cancelled it before it went through and told him about it. I went to court and everything turned out fine as he had just got a new job.
He said this morning that he is going to push for me to be prosecuted for both and sent to prison then he will get the boys.
Could he really do that? Am I just letting him control me again?

I doubt it and he will only make himself look malicious because of the timing. Get some legal advice.

Can he prove he didn't know about it? Also you didn't get the loan and changed your mind so normally the law covering attempted criminal behaviour only covers crimes where the crime would have been carried out but for it being interrupted in some way because in order to prosecute a crime you have to have the guilty act (which was not committed in this case - getting the loan fraudulently) and the guilty mind (you changed your mind and didn't commit fraud of your own accord). I'm only second year law student though so no substitute for real lawyer:

I'm assuming you took action to obtain the loan and so it may be very borderline and you should check up with a lawyer. However it would look like he was making up that he didn't know and trying to make you look bad.

I am not legal expert, but I think he is talking rubbish.
Common senses says
You did take out a loan. So would of thought that there would not be an issue.

Wednesday I would of thought you had arranged adequate childcare and he let you down. So not sure what he would use against you. I was supposed to meet my children from school bus, but did not, so there was a period of non supervision and then my ex would not let me see them. Is pretty much what he is going to end up saying

Would agree with everyone else talk to a lawyer though

I think you are both angry (you because he messed up childcare, him because you stopped contact) and hopefully when you get through the legal stuff it will settle down.

I doubt anything will happen on the lying about the loan as it's 5 years ago and it's very unlikely he will proceed, plus he will need proof. I think he is scared that you will use contact as a way to punish him so he is trying to threaten you in return.

I would suggest you remain calm, it doesn't help you if you get wound up. Play the long game, work to get a contact order in place and get finances resolved.

My advice would be to seek legal advice and arrange mediation- make sure the dc's are never used as weapons or withhold contact in anger (the dc's will remember if you do this). It takes 2 to fight, if you step away from the battles, use mediation to resolve issues then you will get through the split with your mental health in tact.
Re Childcare - you and him need to agree what happens with childcare, obviously when you were together you would help each other other, backfill if needed if the other had an urgent meeting. Post split what are your thoughts? Do you want to continue with this approach or would you prefer firm boundaries. i.e His time with dc's he has to sort (irrespective of your circumstances).

I think this needs to be ironed out, if it's his responsibility then you would have to accept that he makes whatever arrangements he can if he has an meeting that runs late.

Hed sounds like a wanker and not sure why he is angry with you when HE let the kidsd down by not picking them up. Your job clearly not as important as his .

And where does his father live that isn't suitable for children to visit? Totally ridiculous.

My ex did stuff like that even though he was the cheater and abusers and left me. He later said after how he treated me he was expecting me to be nasty and vindictive and so tried to get in there first. I was just sad and bullied and trying to be reasonable - this might be why he's being such a wanker, he's in fight mode.

Wednesday's event is a non sequitur. When he is 'using it against you' no doubt he'll explain that you wouldn't have had to leave work unexpectedly at a particularly inconvenient time, have the stress of getting stuck in traffic, and have no alternative but to ask ds2 to look after ds3 in the back garden for a few minutes until your dm arrived, if he hadn't reneged on his agreement to have the dc from school.

With regard to you 'stopping' him seeing the dc, it's patently obvious that you're doing no such thing. By choosing to live somewhere that allegedly isn't suitable for the dc, he's chosen to put himself in the situation of having to entertain them at other venues - in common with many thousands of other divorced/separated parents.

I must say I find it curious that he regards the home of his df to be unsuitable for the dc. Presumably he was once a child who lived with the very same df and lived to tell the tale? What harm can befall the dc at his df's home and what steps is he taking to remove any possible risk to them?

In respect of his pathetic threat to have you prosecuted for the alleged crime of arranging a loan in your joint names which, in the event, was not required, the words 'out, arse, his, of, talking' come to mind.

Having read a number of your other posts, it appears that during the course of your marriage to an emotionally abusive and financially improvident dickhead spouse, you had no alternative but to assume sole responsibility for organising the family finances and keeping the books, so to speak because the arse couldn't be arsed to keep the wolf from the door

At a time of acute financial difficulty 5 years ago you applied for a loan in your joint names as a married couple in order to prevent the marital home being subject to repossession and, insodoing, you committed no crime.

As it transpired the loan was not required but, had it been necessary to proceed, I have no doubt that you would have informed the self-entitled twat your spouse of the need to secure outside/additional financing to keep the roof over your heads prior to formal acceptance of the offer.

In short, the only 'crime' you've committed is one against yourself allowing this utter tosser to trespass all over you.

He's 'declared war'? Tell him to bring it on - mumsnet's guns are fully loaded and waiting for his next salvo.

Actually, it sounds more like he is messing you around. When he sent you a message to say can you get back what would have happened if you had said no?

He would have either made sure he was there or would have arranged for someone else to be with the dcs until he could get there. Don't let him manipulate you like this, you are playing into his hands.

I suggest you read the OP's earlier threads, startlife. Mediation is not advisable in cases where one spouse is emotionally abusive and the other has become conditioned to accepting their abuse.

It's obvious he's kicking off because he's got the letter from your solicitor setting out contact arrangements.

All you need to do is to refuse to engage with him and keep repeating the mantra 'if you've got anything to say, say it to my solicitor' until he gets it through his thick skull that his puerile threats have no effect on you whatsoever.

Surely you can't take a loan on somebody else's name without their signature.
Even a spouse.

Just let the lawyers sort it and don't ask him for favours.

Izzy your post has made me giggle! You are all so right he is trying to manipulate me. He is a wanker!
His df is the risk! He has set the house on fire 3 times in the last 12 months but nobody will do anything about it. The house hasn't been touched in 18 years since his dm died and the same there, won't say anything. The place is a death trap now. And yes I believe he chose to go there knowing he would not be able to have the boys!

This is the man who has been 'legally advised' not to respond to letters from your solicitor.

The numbskull seems to be labouring under the illusion that by not responding he'll be able stop you divorcing him halt due legal process. He'll have about as much luck with that as King Canute.

His df's house is a death trap?