sex and touching

[pregnantpause]

Hello,
Please help me, I'm married with dc and really struggling atm. My dh wants more sec. We do it four or five times a month which is plenty forme as since dc I have no sex drive at all.
We've talked and argued about this constantly for two years, I am trying to increase my libido but I'm starting to resent him. He's always groping me and running his hands over me. This morning I was asleep and told him to stop it and he says 'we've got to get up on ten minutes I want ten mins perving before we get up.
When I replied ( mot got the first time) that he's treating me like a slab of meat and he had no access rights to my body I am not a blow up doll - he turns it around and says I should enjoy his touching me as he would enjoy me touching him. We haven't time for sec so I shouldn't feel pressured , but I am annoyed. Je
He's prob right o should enjoy it bbut I wanted the five minutes kip.

Is this NPR

Is this normal - posting on phone.

I had similar with my P after DS was born. I blew up one night shouting it was nothing less than sexual assault-would he do same to his Mum, sis in law, woman on the street...no! So why did he thonk it was ok with me!!

I think what you describe is probably quite common - mismatched libido - but I don't think that makes it acceptable to be constantly pressured & cajoled for sex. You may think you have no sex drive... you might just be responding to your husband being an inconsiderate PITA. 'Ten minutes perving'?... as chat-up lines go, that one utterly sucks. So don't automatically take this on your shoulders as a fault.

There is no easy answer to this one but you can start by talking to each other about how you feel. Relate might be appropriate. Personally, I think the important acknowledgement is that intimacy is desirable and good (everyday kisses and cuddles), but that there shouldn't be the assumption that it will always lead to intercourse. You should both be sensitive to each other enough to know when it stops at intimacy without having to ask permission. Otherwise the asking becomes a pressure point all of its own. Married people still need romance.... groping and 'perving' do not count as romance. I think you should also set aside time for each other without the DCs so that you are not too tired/busy/stressed etc., and able to give each other undivided attention.

All assumes you still want to be with this man, of course.

We are intimate. We kiss and cuddle and dance together, we go on dates every two weeks and spoil each other. He is actually a very affectionate man.
Cogito- you are right- in the day when we are with dc and we touch and are close and happy I think of sex, I want it. Then the dc go to bed and he starts with the groping and it turns nme off.

Hehe let's me have lie ins and does souch for me, I feel so guilty as his argument that I should enjuy his touching me and I should want to touch him is right. And I can't turn it around because he would love to be treated Luke this.

If he is everything you say the rest of the time it sounds like he's crap at foreplay... I've met a few of those :) OK until you get them home and they turn into an octopus with a porn-movie soundtrack. Fixated at the gawky teenage stage of sexual development. I find it can be 'trained' out of them with patience. You have to avoid being critical but you have to be totally honest with each other about what is a turn-on and what turns you off.

he turns it around and says I should enjoy his touching me as he would enjoy me touching him

What gives him the right to tell you what you should think?

Does he think you should be hungry when he is hungry, feel cold when he is cold, angry when he is angry? Of course not, what absolute rot!!

So why should you feel horny when he is. He needs to grow up. Maybe tell him to search Amazon for some sex education books and to lay off the groping and perving. Ugh.

Being groped is such a massive turn off, no wonder your libido's gone into hiding. He needs to back off

It was similar to me.
I do have a healthy sex drive, but ended up virtually loosing it with ex.
It didn't end well, because his lack of respect with the groping an effectively demanding sex, was a sign of his lack of respect for me.

You need to have a proper conversation with him and see what he does.

I have told him that he is being disrespectful. He apologises but says its because he loves me and wants ne sooo much. I then feel bad because he's trying to be nice and he loves me. I don't think he 'gets' it from my perspective. He has in the past stopped for a while after big talks but that can mean bot being affectionate at all as he doesn't trust himself not to grope me. Eventually he always seems to forget and start groping again anyway.

Usually when its been a few days without sex :(

Oh dear, a few 'red flags' there op

He apologises but

Any apology with a 'but' on the end of it is not an apology. He is blaming you for his actions. Actions which you have just told him are disrespectful to you.

says its because he loves me and wants ne sooo much. I then feel bad because he's trying to be nice and he loves me

Nope. It's not because he loves you, it's because he wants to have sex. End of. He can love you without having sex can't he. He is not being honest with you there. Just thinking about his own needs/wants again, no consideration as to what you need/want.

He has in the past stopped for a while after big talks but that can mean bot being affectionate at all as he doesn't trust himself not to grope me

Nope, not honest again. This is his way of punishing you, by withdrawing affection until you cave in to his demands.

he always seems to forget and start groping again

No he doesn't 'forget'. Does he usually forget things, does he have short term memory loss? No, he just wants to pressure you into having sex with him.

All of these actions are emotional blackmail. And they are working. If you have any hope of an equal, mutually satisfying sex life, he needs to be much more honest with you and will have to respect your wishes.

Couples counselling might do you both the world of good. I think it's more of a communication problem from what you've said.

we've got to get up on ten minutes I want ten mins perving before we get up

Ugh . That says a great deal about his attitude Op . Id put this pig on the sofa until he can have some respect for you . And as for He has in the past stopped for a while after big talks but that can mean not being affectionate at all as he doesn't trust himself not to grope me i think its more likeley that he stops being affectionate as a way to punish you .

Be aware Op , that there is a type of man who insidiously abuses his partner in this way , by unwanted groping when he knows she does not like it , by pressuring her for sex she does not want and convincing her that her reaction to that behaviour is not normal . Despite being told how many times your husband continues to grope you . How you feel about it doesnt matter to him .

He has no right to tell you how you should feel or how you should react, and he definateley has no right to touch you against your wishes . Touching someone when there is asleep ( unless your both ok with this ) is bordering on the dodgy .

Regardless of the sex issue , the fact that he ignores you , tells you how you should feel , dismisses your feelings and witholds affection is raising red flags for me . I dont think theres anything wrong with your libido , i wouldnt want to have sex with someone like that either .

Yeah, the groping or not touching.
Then wanting sex.

Been there done that.

After 10 years of marriage it was definitely too much.

Think carefully how long you want to waste on him.

I didn't say always leads to no affection I said can - notably after dc when my sex drive was non existent and I interpreted any attention as sexual and rejected hi badly. He stopped touching me at all as he did t know what I would like (and bnor did I ) and then as he got more frustrated felt it hard to stop hi.self groping.

Thank you for your advice, I'm not sure where to go from here - I am in a loving though not perfect marriage, but still can't see a way to resolve this one issue. I can't afford counselling, I think I'll have to have another talk with him and go from there. If nothing else you've made me feel justified in being angry and hurt by this behaviour.