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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really sad and no idea what to do

20 replies

littlemissangrypants · 29/06/2012 22:04

My ex has just told me that he will be having our children on my birthday. He doesn't really enjoy spending time with them and will make them sit still and play xbox for hours on end so they don't make a mess at his place. (Also he has recently changed when he would have the kids. Only saturdays and only out of football season)

He was very controlling when we were together. I wasn't allowed to leave our house, had no money and was badly hurt if i dared to try and do things without him. When he left he told me i would never have the kids. I didn't know what he meant at the time. I do now. I get to do all the day today stuff but every birthday, christmas and holiday is his. If i try to have the kids on those days he tells everyone that i'm stopping him from seeing the kids.

When we were still together he spoiled every birthday for me and even decided he couldn't help when my mother died and when i discovered i had a serious heart condition. Everything was about him and his needs. I had no rights, no life. There were days i really thought the only way out would be to kill myself.

I just feel so hurt that he is taking the kids again. I have no real family in this country. My kids are it really. I do have a partner now and he will be my only bright spot on my birthday without my little monsters around.
Just feel so sad at the thought of being without family on my birthday again.

Sorry it's all a confused mess but just can't stop crying and just need to get this out somewhere. Don't really want the kids to see me be upset about it all

OP posts:

ChooChooLaverne · 29/06/2012 22:06

Why is it up to him?

ElectricSoftParade · 29/06/2012 22:09

Tell him no. I realise it may not be quite as easy as that but please give it a go.

"No, the children will be with me".

Hope you feel a bit brighter soon.

kasbah72 · 29/06/2012 22:09

He is an arse but you can beat him. You have beaten him, by getting out.

Just tell the kids that this year you want to celebrate your birthday on x date. Make a massive deal out of it.... balloons, cakes, candles, singing, the works. Who cares if it is on a different date? My birthday is at Christmas and I often have to celebrate at a different time. It doesn't make it worse, just means I get to do it properly when my family are around.

Whatever he does, you will have had your amazing day with the kids to celebrate your birthday and he just can't touch that. Make new memories. Make a new celebration date. Make it special with your kids.

One day, a long way from now, those kids will know what you did for them.

In the meantime, be proud that you fought your way out and will never go back. He can play all the games he wants, but you won. You are free. You can choose to celebrate your birthday as loudly as you possibly can.

Leave your usual birthdate as a day for him to play silly games and for you to have a lovely time with your new partner.

olimpia · 29/06/2012 22:10

can you get your new partner to stabs up for you with your ex if you feel you can't contradict him?

purplewithred · 29/06/2012 22:12

Well you do have rights, and one of those rights is to have a fixed agreed arrangement regarding the kids. He can't just decide when to have them. He is choosing not to see them. Stop letting him mess you around, see a solicitor, get tough.

squeakytoy · 29/06/2012 22:13

Have your birthday celebration on a different date.. he doesnt even need to know about it.

And your kids will not always be little.. they will get older and realise what a twat their father is.

This situation is only temporary.

GemsAngels · 29/06/2012 22:15

Was going to comment but kasbah72 said it all and well said too :)

welshgirl67 · 29/06/2012 22:20

Oh dear why do they think they can play games like this and use the poor children as weapons.. You have a right to spend your special day with your children, just like he can. Dont cave in to his games.. Be strong and you will definately have the last laugh.

welshgirl67 · 29/06/2012 22:22

I have been married for nearly 21 years. And i still think Men are a weird species!! ITS A TRUE SAYING MEN ARE FROM MARS!!!

izzyizin · 29/06/2012 22:27

How old are your dc? Do they enjoy spending time with their father?

How often do they have contact with him? Once a week or more at weekends and during the week? Do they have overnight stays with him?

RandomMess · 29/06/2012 22:31

Why don't you arrange fixed contact so he can't pull this stunt on you.

Or go out for the day before he turns up to collect them?

Original poster

littlemissangrypants · 29/06/2012 22:33

My boys are 11 and 12. Not so little really. The older one doesn't want to see his dad anymore. he is a little more aware of the way his dad used to treat me. I think we will celebrate another day. Menas i get to stay 29 a bit longer :-)
I really thought i would have the boys for my 30th but doing something nice another day will be lovely too.
My dp will be taking me out, after all we have a babysitter now. Thank you for the great advice and for letting me get it all out.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 29/06/2012 22:41

You really don't have to put with his this shit.

You get to have the dc on your birthday; he gets to have them on his. Christmas/New Year/Easter/public holidays are evenly divided; you have them one year, he has them the next.

He has them for half of the school holidays; you have them the other half. But this won't happen because there's no way he'll countenance the thought of you being able to go away with your new dp

He has them for one day/night every weekend or from Fri-Sunday alternate weeks plus contact during the week to suit their schooling - i.e. he can pick them up from school for an overnight and take them to school the next morning.

Tell him if he isn't happy with your proposals re contact he can apply to the Courts who are unlikely to agree to any more than the above.

Were you married to him and are now divorced? Does he pay maintenance for the dc?

Original poster

littlemissangrypants · 29/06/2012 22:50

We were never married but together for nearly 13 years. He does not have PR for either of my dc. He pays £70 maintenance but gets at least £10 from me for babysitting when he can be bothered to have the kids. Sorry if i sound bitter about it all. He bullies me a lot even now and i know if i stop paying him he would get very nasty.
In the year and a bit we've been apart he has had the kids sleep at his house about 4 times. He wont have them more. During the football recently he rarely saw them at all. The children are a plaything for him. he has them when it suits and when he needs money.
He also doesn't have them during the holidays. He could see them more but he wont. it's too much hassle for him.
I wonder sometimes why i let this happen but i just have to look at my little one ( he has special needs) he loves his dad so much. as long as he still wants to see his dad i will put up with whatever he decides. I would go through hell and back for my boys

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 29/06/2012 22:50

Consult a solicitor, get everything formalised. You do not have to obey this man unquestioningly. He's just an unpleasant knob, he has no rights over you - no court will agree to him just having everything his own way and taking the DC any time he feels like it.

mummytime · 29/06/2012 22:59

Go and see a solicitor. Don't make your eldest see him if he doesn't want to, and formalise access. You don't have to let him see them.
Contact is for the kids benefit not the parents. I certainly wouldn't pay him to babysit, he isn't they are his kids. Find a nice older teenager and pay them if you have to.

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 00:42

You pay him to babysit his own dc???!!!

FFS, honey, put your money where your mouth is and prove that you are willing to go hell and back for your dc by putting an end to their biological father using them as playthings when he hasn't got anything better to do.

Stand up to the fucker; there's no way you should be forcing your eldest ds to see him if he doesn't want to, and you should make it crystal clear that henceforth he gets contact with your youngest on your terms or not at all.

You fear he'll 'get very nasty'? That's what the police are for and you shouldn't hesitate to call them if you have any fears for your safety, or that of your nearest and dearest including your new dp.

If you're not convinced by what you've been told here, think on that every time you give in to this controlling and abusive twunt you are teaching your dc, who have no doubt been adversely affected by the life they lead when you were living with their f, that it's ok for men to bully women.

carernotasaint · 30/06/2012 00:50

Please please do as other posters have advised and see a solicitor. You pay him ten pounds to have his own children! You sound like a wonderful mother. Please get a formal agreement in place. Christ what a wanker.

CailinDana · 30/06/2012 06:48

You say you would go to hell and back for your boys but you are not protecting them from this horrible shit of a man. You can't let a young child with SNs decide who is and isn't good for him - much as your younger son loves his dad you know that seeing him doesn't do him any good so you need to put a stop to it. As for your older son, he has made it clear that he doesn't want to see him and yet he still has to.

If your ex wants contact, make him fight for it in court. Could you move house? You need to remove the influence of this man from your children's lives. At the moment he is still controlling you and them with his stupid demands. You've done brilliantly by getting away from him but now you need to take the last step and remove him completely from your life. Could you see a solicitor and discuss it?

savoycabbage · 30/06/2012 06:53

I don't understand how it is up to him that he has the children on that day.

Tell him that it suits you as you are planning to spend the day with your dp and now you can go somewhere lovely. Call his bluff.

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