I am at a loss, I really need some help.

[FourSquareSilverCharm]

I have name changed. Not sure why now I think about it. I thought it was because my DP knows my username, but it might be a good thing if he read this.

I'm sorry in advance if this is long winded. I seem to have lost my way, lost all enthusiasm, plus my inner radar which tells me where to go with all this and what to do is wonky.

My DP and I have been together for over ten years, we have 2 children, 2 and 5.

He cheated on me on a Royal scale years ago, poured an absolute ton of shit on my head etc. Some unbelievable stuff. We dealt with it, alone, then back together. We've had counselling over the years, once or twice. Not that impressed with it.

I loved him madly before I found out about the cheating. I then worked at still loving him the same way, and it seemed ok. He worked at it too, did all the things I expected of him, needed him to do etc. Life settled down. I had a baby, things seemed to get even better. Actually, not "seemed", they were better.

Fast forward to the last few years, and we have been involved, joyously, in the child rearing thing. Knackered, no time together really. When we do get together it tends to be through me organising it ie babysitters etc. No great surprise there.

The only issue I have had with him, that is like a hangover from the bad old days, is with him going out, saying he'll be back and then not coming back at the given time. Well, I sat on that early on. It used to go on on a weekly basis pre children. He came to understand (eventually) that our relationship would be over if he didn't sort it out and that for me, it has never been about the actual going out. It's about trust. That bloody word. Without it I don't see how a relationship can function.

I worked really hard to deal with the fallout of his cheating. I do not bring it up now, not interested, we've moved on. However, it's relevant, in my mind, because pre cheating, I never questioned a thing, Mrs Do-as-you-would-be-done-by etc.

So, my trust in him has been dented, but it's still there, soldiering on.

Anyway, putting this in bold as I'm at last getting to the point here, last weekend he did a shitty thing, and I want to know, in your opinion, bearing in mind the background I've summarised, if you think I am overreacting (he thinks so) (he would).

I take our DS to a sports lesson every Saturday morning, quite early. DP therefore looks after our 2 yr old at home of course (not practical to take her, or wise-she'd be utterly miserable that she couldn't join in).

Friday night he decides he's going out. Not a problem. We then have a discussion-brought up by him first-about him being back later friday night because of DS' lesson.

I have no reason to think anything of it and off he goes.

Of course, he stays out all night, no phone call and no-show in the morning.

(BTW, I have no doubts about where he was or who he was with, we live in a tiny village and he basically got pissed and fell asleep somewhere which is often his modus operandi when drinking).

I don't bother calling as his phone will be out of signal, so I take DS and DD and sure enough, my little girl is very upset that she can't join in. This could have been avoided and when he phones I call him a wanker etc.

Since then, I have actually switched off. I wonder if this is the final straw for me. There's lots more(including not much sex for a while, I don't really feel the same since my 2 yo was born), but god I've rambled.

Do you think I should just let it go again ? I feel like I have a DP who, when the crunch comes, will ultimately put himself first and f**k off me and the children, which is what he did on fri night.

I just don't know what to do. All this week I have been dreading going home after work. BTW, he just thinks he should keep his head down and it will all blow over.

I think he might continue to let his children down all their lives and it is this I want to avoid

to me, it's all different sides of the same coin

and that coin is utter disrespect

I haven't been able to come back til today. Thank you again for posting.

We have had further words. I have been in difficulty with this sort of paralysis that came over me last week. I think that had to do with my shock at him letting our children down, now I look at it with a bit of distance.

He has not done that before, and been so apparently blithe about it. Belle, what you say is very true about normalising someone's behaviour, and "forgiving" it, or at least overlooking it again and again. I think I have done that wrt me from time to time.

With regards to that, and his behaviour to me over the last few years-I do have to give him some credit-he has changed a good deal. BUT, I also see exactly what you are saying AF, when you question his "changing". (You might be thinking "well if he's changed a lot and he's still a shit, what the hell was he like years ago???")-Answer: bloody bloody awful!

OK, being a bit facetious now. The fact is, the "awful" period revealed a man who had some massive issues (no shit). I suspect I thought I could fix them and I wanted to at the time. We'd spent quite a few happy years together up to then, and of course, they're never arseholes all the time. I thought there was something to save, after the cheating, when he showed that he accepted what he had done, to me, to us etc. He did work hard at it, but even so, I have had doubts over the recent past that he "gets" it, ie the full unbridled effect it had on me.

Anyway, he has read this thread. He went off to think about what has happened. He let it drip into his brain. It is interesting that I needed to show him that "strangers" on the internet think he's a shit as well. Interesting is so not the right word.

At the moment, I am not interested in him kneeling at my feet begging forgiveness. I wanted him to "get" it. I wanted us to have an adult discussion about it, and about what we would do if/when we break up. We did that. He doesn't want to. Me? Well, I'm not paralysed any more, I can think it over more clearly, but I've not got there yet. He says it will never ever happen again. Words are cheap.

I asked him to agree that should he ever do something like this again, then he would know in advance that he was playing Russian Roulette with his family ie I said that if he goes out, doesn't come back without calling etc, and lets us down, one more time, then he has to realise NOW what he is risking, and that he will leave without fuss because he will have made his choice. He agreed.

That's where I am with it atm, but I'm not settled, iykwim. I was very shocked at what he did re the children, and then shocked again that he didn't seem to get why I was upset. He seems to now, but as I said words are cheap.

hmm, love

so he used to be a 11/10 bastard

but now he thinks you should be satisfied with a 7/10 bastard rating

not good enough

yes, words are cheap

but so are threats, if you don't follow through

good luck x

Ha, yes, well, I agree. It isn't good enough, and he says he knows that. I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for him to trip up-because that's no way for me and the dc to live our lives, but neither am I minimising, hope it doesn't read like that. I'm prepared to go it alone,he knows that for sure. I know relationships are work at times, but they shouldn't be hard labour.

I've told him what I want, which involves basically taking a back seat and letting him step up,letting him be the "responsible" one for a change, on top of leaving all this kind of drunken thoughtless crap behind. Have to see if he can I guess....

Thanks. This has helped me, is helping me.

Not sure I have much to add but really do hope you are ok. You deserve happiness, you know.

Thank you you lovely wise women.