Empty Nest

[grnhd]

I have two lovely sons, one in his twenties who is moving out shortly and one aged 18 who is off to University in September. I love them both dearly and am so, so proud of them. They really are fantastic, have worked hard for their achievements and are such good company and live life to the full with gusto, not that I'm biased of course! I'm so excited for the future that awaits them.

Trouble is although I will do everything to help if they want it and wouldn't dream of holding them back in any way I'm struggling with their impending absence. Empty nest feelings have hit early and hard and are far worse than I imagined they would be. It actually physically hurts to think they are flying away. If I feel like this now what on earth is it going to be like when they have gone? I never gave a thought to what it would be like when they moved on as I was so focused on their well being and being their Mum. It?s so normal for children to leave home that nobody seems to discuss what it feels like for the parents left behind so these emotions have come as a shock.

Anyone else experienced this so intensely? I'm sure some of my friends think I am odd. I'm grieving for the ending of a role that has meant everything to me and nothing can possibly take its place. No amount of travel, crafting, volunteering or anything will fill the void, or so it seems right now.

My much loved husband has been terribly ill with cancer recently and is thankfully ok at the moment. Guess I?m living in fear of loosing them all. It hasn?t hit my husband yet that they will be going. He just says he is happy if they are happy which makes me feel so selfish. Of course I?m happy for them but I will miss them so much.

I will stand and wave them off with a huge smile and hug feeling such pride even though my heart will be breaking for the end of their childhood, unseen, inside.

Can anyone who has experienced this offer me any advice please? I would very much like to hear your story.

Oh yes, I can relate to this. Logically I knew my dd was off to Uni, I was fully supportive and celebrated when she achieved the grades to get her place at a highly selective course. I helped her with Uni packing, making sure she had everything that she needed and I took her there.

Then the reality kicked in and I just couldn't believe that she was gone. It was grief, quite overwhelming and surprising. I think only those that have gone through it can relate to the intensity of the feelings and also the surprise because you KNOW it will happen but that awareness doesn't seem to help. For 18 years your job was to consider your dc's and then the job just seems to end - very abruptly.

It does get better as I think you end up establishing a new type of normal for your household. I really enjoyed mothering young children & teens so I feel the loss. Yes I am still her mother, yes she still needs me, at times, but mostly I have raised a wonderful young woman who is thriving in the outside world so my job is mostly done.

I think it's a time to take stock in our lives, to look at what we want to achieve next, to figure out what makes life fulfilling for us. If you have maternal instincts and enjoy being around dc's there are lots of places where your skills and experience would be invaluable. Just think of this time as transition - often it's a painful process but needed to get to a different stage.

I also found that the dynamics between dh & I changed - in some ways not beneficial as my dd added a positive energy to the house that we didn't have when she wasn't around.

It will get better, consider reading books on transitions as you may need inspiration to get through this stage.

I'll swap you, we're getting DD back after 3 years away at Uni, thankfully just for the summer.
It's time to build a life for yourselves as a couple rather than as "mum and dad".
Raising children to be independant adults is the most satisfying thing ever, I know so many (mainly young men) of DD's age who still live at home and I think it's not healthy, they should be out there making their own way.

.

Oooops!
Hello Startlife, you have my sympathy. When DD1 went off to Uni, I was absolutely bereft, it hit me like a sledgehammer and yes, it was a physical hurt. I drove home from her Uni after settling her in and cried all the way home. The house was so quiet and I knew nothing would ever be the same again. She was such a presence in the house and this was the start of her embarking on adulthood and she wouldn't need me like she did before.

I was dreading the same with DD2 but somehow it just didn't hurt quite the same because I had been through it before and knew what to expect. Strange really, especially as DD2 was the one not so independent.

I can't pretend it s easy to cope with but I will say that I have sort of got used to it. Also, I blink and they are back home again and we all have cabin fever being thrown together. I never thought I would say this - I thought I would be desperate for them to be home again but they are getting more and more independent and when they are back home they sort of take over! I know you will think 'oh, I will never feel like that' but once the dust settles for you Startlife, you WILL make the best of it, you will get used to a bit of peace and quiet and you will... eventually... relish the freedom after 18 plus years of nurturing and mothering.

Also, I did embark on some work stuff just for me. It was a total leap in the dark but there was nothing holding me back now. No picking them up from late night parties, no having to make sure the fridge was stocked, no calls on my time like before. Them leaving shone a huge light on my marriage and that was hard to cope with... I decided to push the boundaries a bit and challenge myself to do new things because now was the time to do it as I had some freedom and time to do so. And that was the best thing ever.

However, I am in constant touch with them, they are always on the phone to me about this and that, so I sort of think to myself... even though they aren't physically here, they really haven't gone so far. Also, as you say in your post, you are so proud of them and what they have achieved and that helps because mine have done so well and that means I can give myself a pat on the back that my parenting skills really weren't so bad.

I am wondering Startlife, whether it might not hit so hard as you are imagining? Perhaps the reality when your DS2 goes off might not be so bad as the thought of it? I just think you have to be proud of yourself that you have managed to launch two special boys off into the world and feel privileged to be standing on the sidelines watching this wonderful transition.

(p.s. I am all talk lol, and miss them terribly at times... it's an ache, and I am not trivialising what you may feel!)

Oh, I am so so sorry GRNHD.... I kept addressing Startlife and meant to put your name! I am half asleep ... my apologies!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, especially so quickly. It really has helped me feel a little better and not quite so alone in my thoughts. I'm not going mad after all!!!

I have just ordered some books on transition so hopefully this may give me guidance too and help me keep my mind in a positive place.

It really does help to reach out and it means a lot that there are Mums out there who understand. It's nice to know that family life does go on albeit in a different way. Think I was loosing sight of that in my gloom!!

So thank you again.

Good Luck OP - I haven't been there yet but dread it and mine are only 11 and 8!!

op,I have been where you are now.And can just about say yes to everything the other posters have said.
I personally found my DHs and my relationship improved because we had more time just for each other.and also if we fell out,we sort of look round,,see no one else,and think,crikey,lets sort this out quickly.
I think the fact that your DH has had cancer recently,is bound to make you appraise things more sharply,and probably earlier than other people.
The practical thing that I have evolved for myself,and helps me enormously,is to have a short term plan/project,a medium plan/project,and a long term plan/project.This has given me a new structure and is all working very well for me.
Hope some of this post helps,and the best of luck to your DH.

have just discovered by chance that there is an empty nest long running thread in the education,further education forum.Last post was 22 april 2012,but even if you didnt resurrect it,you could still read all the 600+ posts!

I'm not in your situation as mine are only 2 and 4 but you sound like a lovely mother and should be proud of youself for raising two great kids. I hope i can do the same! I can well imagine how hard it will fell though. Maybe you could arrange a few family events like all going to a concert together in the uni holidays, weekend break away with them at xmas etc as then you will know that you have family time to look forward too. In 5-10 years time you might find the house is full of children again - grandchilren! X