I know I shouldn't be doing this and need to stop

[thelastlivingrose]

I've been married to a lovely man for 3 years, after a very bad previous relationship where I was cheated on more than once by a charming and plausible liar and philanderer who I thought had permanently broken my heart and put me off men forever. My DH is, as far as can tell, absolutely trustworthy. Unlike my ex, he never 'guards' his phone (iyswim), he leaves the laptop logged into his FB account and hides nothing and even let me know his username and password for FB and his email account etc, in other words he's completely open about everything. He loves me and cares for me, we share housework equally, he's kind and there are no red flags at all.

We both got iPhones a couple of months ago and we both downloaded the 'find my iPhone' app in case they were ever lost or stolen so we could track them down. So far so normal, but then I discovered that if I logged into 'Find my iPhone' using his apple id information instead of mine, (I know his because I'm a bit more technically minded than him and downloaded stuff from the App Store for his phone) I could see exactly where he was when he has his phone with him.

And now I'm addicted. When I'm at work I keep logging on and checking he's where he's supposed to be, at work himself. When he's out with mates (which he does rarely), I check to make sure his location matches where he said he was going to be. He always is.

I feel really nasty doing this, but I can't make myself stop. I'd have killed for something like this with the ex as I could have saved myself a lot of heartache because I could've seen where the rat really was rather than where he told me he was going to be.

The thing is sometimes the location thing has glitches. I nearly choked with fear one day when I checked and instead of being at work, the location showed as in some woods about 2 miles from his office. The ex used to meet up with women in car parks in the day sometimes and have sex, so I was in bits. Anyway I called DH immediately at work and guess what - he picked up the phone straight away, he was at his desk all the time. he wondered what the matter was because I sounded upset!

I want to stop this and I know I should. DH deserves better and I feel incredibly grubby. It's just so addicting.

Sorry this was so long and I'm expecting a (deserved) roasting.

You need to delete the app. Those trackers are not precise, and are just going to create a problem where there isnt one. Or ask him to change his password so that you cant access it.

Rationally, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat. The location of his phone is not going to change that.

And by saying that, I am not suggesting for a moment that he is cheating, but if he knows that you are constantly checking up on him, he will get pissed off very quickly and be hurt that you dont trust him too, and that will cause problems in your relationship.

I think you do need some help in all honesty, counselling to address your past and issues.

I know the app you mean. We have them on our iPhones, and pads. We know each others details as we are ALWAYS using them to find each others phones, left around the house. As our phones don't always get signal to call. But they are connected to the wifi, so we can ping them.

If I knew my husband was stalking me on it, I'd be furious. Yes they do glitch as well, a lot. When we are finding them, they bleep at home. But depending on the signal, etc. They can glitch you and show you miles away or in an area.

One day you know, it's going to glitch....he won't be at work, say nipped out for lunch and all hell is going to break lose and it's all going to come out.

You need to stop. You have to or risk it escalating and destroying this relationship yourself.

I wouldn't go so far as deleting you app tho...as they are really handy for when you've misplaced your phone. Plus as iPhones tend to carry such valuable information. Pictures, contacts, web history, so think bank, etc. iTunes accounts.

The remote wipe facility is priceless.

No roasting here. You feel guilty because you know there is no reason to distrust your DH. Hold on to that.

You must stop looking immediately. Let's face it, if your DH really wanted to cheat he could leave his phone at work or wherever.

The real issue is that your are scared of being hurt again by your partner betraying your trust. But in real life trusting someone is always a leap of faith and comes with no guarantees. All you can do is listen to your instincts, heed red flags and then hope for the best. You are already doing those things. So now you have to just accept the possibility that someone might hurt you again but that it is a small risk with your present partner, so you can forget the risk and make adecision to stop worrying about it.

If you start to feel anxious about his trustworthyness then rehearse the logical argument - he has not given you cause to doubt him, you're strong enough to trust him.

Thank you this is all good advice and thank you for not flaming me. I didn't have counselling at the time I split up with the ex because I thought I could handle things, but perhaps you're right. Certainly I do seem to have issues if I'm doing this and I do need to trust him. I have no reason to doubt him at all and every reason, from the way he treats me, that he is on the level.

He sounds lovely, and just imagine his reaction and hurt if he realises you're checking up on him in this way.

If there were red flags or you had suspicions then I'd say go for it, but he really has given you no reason to suspect him. But then again, some men think they're clever and don't leave obvious (at the time) clues. Still, I do think it's more about your issues than the risk of him cheating.

I wouldn't delete the app, it can be priceless, but get him to change his password so you can't access it any more. It will take over and become more obsessional if you don't.

And I don't think you deserve a roasting, because the reason you're doing it is clear. But be fair on the bloke, and think about how he'd feel if he knew you didn't trust him.

I really feel for you. How long is it since you broke up with the ex?

Almost 6 years, Malory. Yes, I know that's long enough to be over it, really.

I am paying attention to everyone and will try to stop it. My phone is in my bag today rather than next to me on my desk and there's less temptation to take a look at the app.

No,I don't think you should be over it, but it would definitely be worth having a few counselling sessions to help you with this. We all have different hangups from previous broken relationships but this one is particularly hard to deal with on our own. You can go to Relate alone, it doesn't have to be in a couple. This is the type of situation where a few CBT sessions would be very helpful.
Your DH sounds wonderful, and nothing you've said raises any concerns. You deserve to be fully happy and not worried like this.

OP, That way madness lies. I know
Delete the app and get thee to a counselor who does NOT judge, but understands.
And congratulate yourself on finding a good'un.

You poor thing - sadly I can completely understand where you are coming from. I only ever caught H out by checking up on him (deviously) and I am so glad I did, as otherwise he'd still be fucking with my head and telling me black was white and making me out to be insecure and jealous. I have often wondered if I ever (some time in the far distant future) have a relationship again, whether I will be able to act appropriately and not snoop around.
Anyway, enough about me! A couple of suggestions:

1. Tell your DH. Explain what's happened and how you feel (grubby and deceitful) and ask him to change his password to something like 'Itrustyou'.

1. Every time you check up on your DH remember your ex. This is all about him. He's still there in your head, he's still controlling you. Do you want that? You could try some NLP type techniques - so when you get the urge to check up on your DH, imagine your ex standing on your shoulder saying

"You'd better check up on your hubby - he's a cheat, just like me" or something similar. Really picture his smug face, pleased that he's still inside your head - then tell him to fuck the fuck off back to his own grubby, little life

1. Punish yourself. Everytime you check you have to give £5 to a cause you despise Tory/Labour party whoever.

1. Get busier. Life's too short to check up on people. You've already had a relationship of that - come on, don't waste any more of it. Take up knitting/tennis/drag-racing. Anything is a better use of your time than this.

And I can't count

Thank you all for the great advice. Triffid, I am considering telling him about it getting him to change his password. Like your other ideas too, even if your counting is a bit squiffy

He called me half an hour ago. He usually does at lunchtime, just to ask me how my day's going and natter a bit about inconsequental stuff and tell me he's thinking about me. Makes me feel v guilty. OK, it's going to stop.

Well I plucked up my courage and told DH all about it on Sunday over a glass of wine. I was very nervous!

He was lovely, though - he frowned a moment then said "this is because of J (my ex), isn't it?" Then he went on to tell me that he wasn't J and that he made some serious promises when we married and he intended to keep them forever. Then he gave me a big hug, told me he loved me, then laughed and said he would definitely change his password as he it'd feel a bit weird to know he was being watched by Big Sister .

He's a good man.

And thanks to everyone for the good advice. Mumsnet rules!