Friend's marriage is ending-how to support her?

[queenofthepirates]

My lovely friend's husband has told her he'd like the marriage to end. Naturally she's upset and I really want to support her as much as I can.

Practically speaking, can anyone proffer advice as to what she needs to do next? See a solicitor? Withdraw half the bank account? Call the CSA?

There's two kids in the marriage and the couple are living separately at the moment. She's not working and she's really concerned about money.

Can anyone pen me a few practical suggestions from experience to help me help her through the next few weeks to take the load off her?

You could:
Help with the kids.
Be there for a chat, invite her over to your house, make her dinner, pour her a few drinks, invite her to stay over if kids are at her husbands etc.
Keep in touch with her. Try to ensure she can come to you whenever she wants too. Let her talk - not necessarily giving her advice - just let her talk.
Let her know that you'll be there for her whatever happens.

She should also see a solicitor (initial session might be free of charge and can be pretty helpful about next steps). I'm not sure on money front but solicitor will advice something. Make a list of marital assets.
You might be able to help her if she needs to get documents copied or sorted out. Or help her make up a list of some of the things in the house. Dunno.

Think being a friend and there as shoulder to cry on is best help you can be. Let her see that she's not on her own, despite losing her partner. Encourage her other friends to keep an eye out for her too. Is lovely when you're in this position to see that there are people looking out for you.

You sound like a really nice friend, btw!

I'm in her position and just to know that you are there is the best help you can give her. Invite her for a cuppa and listen to her moan. Offer to help her with finding any facts & figures she needs for claims as that seems so overwhelming and 'official' that its hard to concentrate when you're at your lowest point.

Just text her a little 'hello' in the evenings as that's often when it hits that you're alone. Knowing that someone is sitting in the evening thinking of you, despite having their own DCs/Hs/jobs/homes to worry about is really lovely.

I wouldn't advise her to do anything knee-jerk re:money. It depends on her H of course, but I was advised to cover myself financially, see solicitors etc, but actually I think that would have escalated a fairly amicable situation and aggravated my H into being less generous than he is being.

Unless there's a real danger that she'll be left vulnerable I'd be tempted to hold off on any 'snatching' of family money (ie if her H is saying he'll make sure his DCs don't go without, give him the benefit of the doubt.) As he's the one who has ended it he will hopefully have some guilt about the situation and be prepared to do the right thing for the DCs if not for her.

I would also be prepared for any new revelations (OW etc) over the next few weeks. Its great to get support when it first happens but don't let that tail off as you assume she's getting over it - its like a rollercoaster that just keeps on going!

In the weeks to come (summer hols etc) try to arrange some days together so she doesn't feel overwhelmed. My H had booked 2 weeks off work and now will be wanting to spend a proportion of that with my DCs, which will be the loneliest time of my life, I'm dreading it. Encourage/help her to find things to do when the DCs are with him to take her mind off it a bit.

She's lucky to have you x

Practically;

she needs to seek solicitors advice ASAP

She needs to have copies of all financial papers

Keep all important documents in a safe place.

She needs to open a seperate bank account and re-direct, child benefit and tax credits to it.

Inform CSA, for that she will need her STBX's employer name and address and her STBX's NINO (helps loads) also an idea of what his monthly pay is.

I'd also have a seperate sum of money on the very likely chance he stops money or tries to run up massive debts under joint names

I'd close any joint bank accounts/credit cards etc, as ex did run up massive debts under joint names and then moved out which landed me with threats from the banks.

The last is dependant on how amicable the seperation is.

I guess just be there for her and listen to her. There's not much else you can do for now.

also moeny wise, once her ex moves out she needs to inform the council so she gets a discount with her council tax.

some good practical advice there fuzzywuzzy, I was going to say tell her about mumsnet and just be there for her.

Fuzzy, agree that the money stuff is very dependant on how amicable it all is. If I had informed CSA I'd be getting about half of what I am currently going to get after sitting down and working it out between us.

SBTXH is many unpleasant things, but he is providing for his DCs at least, so although in some cases the official route is best, only the friend can judge how far to push it and when to back off a bit.

Queen, don't put ideas into her head about what other blokes do, as I'm sure there are men out there who are willing to make some sacrifices for their DCs to try and make up for the damage they've done in some way.

Here are some links and information I prepared for another thread:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance),

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf
DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html
Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

CSA maintenance calculator:

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp
Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx
Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/
england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(If you are not in England you may need to find the appropriate link on these websites).

Thanks so much everyone, I've had a look at the links and passed a few onto her without overwhelming her. She's so anxious about practicalities that it's good to be able to take a few burdens off her shoulders and make sure she doesn't get into financial straights.

olgaga that list is fantastic, thank you. I'm going to save that in case I ever get divorced!