Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Some advice on DP'emotional behaviour requested please

22 replies

Mistymarshland · 29/06/2012 08:41

Hello all.
I'm not sure what this is but it niggles me. My dP of 2 years does the following

He doesn't do what he says he will do. For instance if he phones me early in the evening, he will always say "I'll phone you later, say 930" and he never does. He never makes plans. Full stop. Thats not just with me. He wants to go away with me for the weekend. So we decided that we could go to the lakes next weekend camping. I asked how definite is this and he replied 100%. Then he gets a call from a friend asking if we want to go to Bath for the weekend. So now it's all in the air again. Apparently we are waiting to see what the weather is like. I've said he needs to let his friend know sooner rather than later but I know he won't.

It's all about him. He works the hardest, he works the longest hours, according to him. He will sometimes belittle the work I do.

He will emotionally cut me off if the going gets tough. I get no emotional support. He tells me I am emotionally cold. I don't think I am. Yet he can be Very affectionate.

He tells me he loves me more than words can say. Yet he offers little in the way of reassurance or empathy.

When we have sex I sometimes feel like an object.

He has no relationship with his family, has been single for 10 years before meeting me and in that time had a succession of fleeting, temporary relationships. He doesn't have close friends.

He is dedicated to his 2 young children and sees them every weekend.

Yet I love him. We have fun, laughs, affection..etc. emotionally though he seems to be stuck somewhere else.

I often feel insecure and I've no idea how to start with him. I've tried to talk about how I feel but he tells me I'm just being silly.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 29/06/2012 08:45

Run like the wind love. He is not emotionally available to you and it is damaging your self esteem.

MaloryMad · 29/06/2012 09:07

oh dear. TheProvincialLady is right in my view. This is commitment issues, everything you've written indicates that. He's emotionally unavailable. Google 'ambivalent man' a book called 'Men Who Can't Love' and the website Baggage Reclaim for more insight and help.
And the only advice I can give is exactly the same. Run like the wind.

Inadeeptrance · 29/06/2012 09:20

Him saying I love you means nothing if he doesn't back it up with actions. Words are cheap.

akaemmafrost · 29/06/2012 10:18

He sounds exactly like my ex who I believe to have Adult Aspergers.

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 10:36

I'd seriously think whether you want to continue your relationship with him, it all sounds far too difficult for you. Another one that hedges his bets to suit himself all the time.

Lovingfreedom · 29/06/2012 10:40

Sounds like you are wanting to get out of this relationship...and quite right. Saying 'I love you' and actually being loving to someone are different. You've mentioned quite a few different aspects of his behaviour to you that is less than loving. And...messing people around re commitment to arrangements is not only annoying, it also shows a total lack of respect for your time.

Mistymarshland · 29/06/2012 11:48

Thank you for the replies. Sadly, I think you have confirmed what I was thinking. Part of me wants to run, part doesn't. He puts obsticals in front of me so I can fail then it's my fault. This weekend he's taking his kids away. He never mentioned once about me coming until tuesday. By then I had sorted out my work plan and I'm working the other side of the country today. So last night he says 'I invited you to come and you decided not to'. Stuff like that.
I'll read the suggestions. Thanks.

OP posts:
Thistledew · 29/06/2012 11:51

Life is too short to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. Particularly when you are not married and do not have children. Have you thought about why you are doing so? What voice is it that is telling you that this is as good as you can expect, or that you are obliged to battle to overcome problems? And why are you listening to this voice?

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 14:27

Dare I say it OP but the man's a "gasslighter" isn't he, turns everything round huh, lies about what he says.

He's a twunt OP and I'm angry for you here.

for you and a kick in the balls for him.

Close the door on this one sweetheart.

CailinDana · 29/06/2012 15:13

If you try to talk to someone about how they treat you/make you feel and they say you're "being silly" then that's the end of the relationship in my view. That attitude basically means "I can behave whatever way I like and if you question me not only am I not going to listen I'm going to put you down at the same time." Anyone can make mistakes or behave badly, the main thing is that they're willing to listen and compromise and sort it out. If a person just stonewalls you and refuses to listen then nothing is ever going to improve and all the problems you have now will be the same or worse in ten years' time. If you do choose to stay with him, that's what you're facing.

Lovingfreedom · 29/06/2012 15:38

Always aware of the risk of projecting based on my own experience but I'm very tempted to say that you might even feel an enormous sense of relief, lots more time to do the things you want to do and an improvement in self esteem/happiness/confidence if you show this guy the door. Not to say that any break-up is easy and there won't be difficult times ahead.... Good luck.

mathanxiety · 29/06/2012 15:54

You are involved with a Narcissist. This won't get better. You will end up feeling as if you have been run over by a steamroller. He will suck the life out of you.

In short -- cut your losses and end it.

DoingItForMyself · 29/06/2012 16:05

What they all said x

solidgoldbrass · 29/06/2012 16:55

More downs than ups in this one, but you don't live with him and the DC are not yours - just cut your losses and move on. There are other men out there - and being single is much better than being in a crap relationship anyway.

ImperialBlether · 29/06/2012 16:58

It sounds as though he's learned that if he says he loves you (or maybe he learned with someone else) then that meant he could carry on doing what he wanted.

Look at his actions. He doesn't care for you - he cares for himself. He tells you he loves you to get you off his back so that he can continue to care for himself.

Get your running shoes on.

izzyizin · 29/06/2012 19:02

I suspect that the reason why you've lasted longer than the succession of 'fleeting temporary relationships' he's had over the past 10 years, is that you've been willing to put up with a self-absorbed bellend who has no interest in a mutually reciprocal relationship.

Life's too short to be squandered on no-hopers. Ditch him before you end up with a barrelful of regrets that you didn't end it earlier.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 19:06

ugh he sounds very crap indeed

dump him and find a better one, it shouldn't be too taxing

Mistymarshland · 30/06/2012 16:00

Thanks to all for your replies. I started reading some of the links and things have started to make sense. Today I spoke to him as I was meant to be joining him and kids tomorrow for a day out. I was looking forward to it even though it's a bit of a drive. The kids were going to t4 on the beach. When I spoke to him he said it wasn't worth me coming as he will need to sit up half the night with the kids waiting in the queue and will be knackered. Ok fair enough I said. Then he retorted with 'you were invited, you chose not to come'. I politely said I hadn't been invited till tues yet for weeks he had gone on about taking the kids there, not once had he mentioned that I was invited. He replied that I give the impression I don't want to be with his children. This isn't true.
I then said that he has been making arrangements to go away surfing most weekends and not once has he invited me in the last 2 months. He said this was because he always went on a Friday and I worked on Fridays. He isn't seeing other women I know that, he is surfing. This type of thing is what he does from time to time.
He complains that we don't see each other much. We see each other every night during the week. He gets home at 7 and I get home at 7. But when I'm with him he is great company.
He is narcissistic isn't he??
I'm pretty upset but I need to get out for my own esteem don't I?

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 30/06/2012 16:16

Yep, get out and enjoy the summer with your own company. He is a narcissist or passive-aggressive or at best a whiny little boy who hasn't got used to the idea of why the world doesn't revolve around him. That is what probably led to the end of his relationship with the mother of his DCs. Either she chucked as she hadn't bargained on having three kids to bring up or he went off in a huff because he was jealous of her putting the DCs first.
Hope it's an ok day where you are and put some time into you instead of wasting it on this idiot

izzyizin · 30/06/2012 16:33

This twat has set you up to be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Tell him you're damned well not going to put up with his damn shit any longer.

Dump him - and don't look back.

Sunshinedelacruz · 30/06/2012 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 30/06/2012 17:28

Yes and YES, to answer your two questions.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page