how can i get him to see his actions are tearing us apart?

[cantseethroughthetears]

i have been with dp for three years he has always been the type of man that likes going out (which never bothered me before) but atm i feel like he is taking the piss he is never here when i need him and is treating our home like a bed & breakfast comin in late at night going to sleep not getting up in morning with dcs but instead lays in bed gets up has a shower goes out i cant't remeber the last time we sat and ate a meal together.

i have spoke to him about it and given him a month to change otherwise i'm leaving i really don't want to but i think this maybe the only way to make him realise what he is doing to us.

Not sure why you are giving him a month.
How does it work?
He has to keep at home for a month?
Then what?

Does he even want to be at home?
I doesn't look like it.
Do you want to be his "jailer"?

You're leaving? Why are you leaving? Is your shared home solely in his name, are you married, is he the father of your dc?

Also, to echo Lueji, why have you given him a month to party elsewhere change his ways?

You say he's treating your home like a b&b? That's easily sorted. Don't allow him into your bed and let him fend for himself at breakfast time.

You say he's always 'been the type of man that likes going out' - did he previously take you with him, and have things changed since you had children?
A fair and reasonable relationship is one in which both partners have the same amount of leisure tiime, so you should get as many nights out a week as he does. Whether these are separate nights out or one or two of them are nights the two of you spend together while someone else looks after the kids is up to you and him to sort out, but if you are forever sitting at home wondering when he's going to come back then there's a big problem.

i have given him a month to see if things improve.

no were not married and yes he is dc father.

the house is in my name only i won't be leaving the home just him
maybe i should have said i want him to leave as for allowing him to sleep in bed with me he has been on the sofa for two weeks and i no longer cook for him.

yes @solid things did change once we had children this seems to be the main problem we are having he does'nt see the problem with goin out every weekend not spening much time with me or dcs it has been getting worse over the last two months and i honesly don't know how to deal with it.

*spending

Life is short, honey. 24 hours is ample for anyone to decide if they intend to change their ways or not. If the answer's 'not' why waste another minute of valuable time?

Sounds like you would be best off chucking him out, then. It's OK to do that. Is he contributing anything to the household/family? If it's only money then you would still get some of that at least if you throw him out.

Asking, begging, pleading, cajoling, persuading, ain't gonna cut it with a man who's determined to party at the expense of his family.

The sharp shock of finding themselves out on their ear has been known to turn party animals into homebodies.

The sooner you ship him out, the sooner you'll find out whether he's willing to shape up.

i know @izzy my head is telling me get rid but that other stupid organ is telling me stick it out.

no@solid nothing atm he lost his job a month ago so am living off my wages and his money from the jobcentre but when he is working he helps out alot

While you're out pulling in the wages what's he doing?

Does he take care of the dc, keep the house in order, cook/shop? Does he make sure you've got time for yourself, whether that's lolling in the bath for an hour or so or out with your pals for the evening?

In short, what does he do to enchance your life and that of his dc? If the answer falls within the category of 'sod all' it's time to tell him to sod off.

If you've given him a month, he's got a few weeks to shape up. I don't think you have to 'get him to see' anything, it's a pretty simple thing he needs to do. Or should be for a normal grown-up with responsibilities. If he doesn't change, you'd have to reach the conclusion that you and the children are not worth the effort. Then you follow through with your threat and he leaves. If you don't follow through (and a lazy man will gamble that you haven't the guts) then you are saying you accept his behaviour and you won't have a leg to stand on

I'm sure you don't want it to come to that but I think you have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So put some time aside to work through what life without him means from a practical level e.g. money, accommodation, etc.

@izzy none of the above he will look after dc while i am at work but as soon as i get home he will fly through the door i do most of cooking,cleaning,etc...

@cogito to be honestly dont think i can even hold out for a month of course i don't want to kick him out but atm he really is doing nothing for us as for money,accommodation its only my money coming in atm and the house is in my name i get some help with rent as i only work p/t the only difficult about us being separated will be childcare he just about wants to do it now so i don't know how he will be if we weren't toghether.

so where is his money for all this socialising coming from?

If you seriously think that he would drop interest in his own children just because he's split from their mother, that is pretty damning.

hey ladies sorry for not replying.
just thought i'd let you know i done it kicked him out packed his clothes and left them on the doorstep i really couldn't tak anymore.

Well done you! Stay strong, your life will get so much better now you haven't got him dragging you down all the time.

Now you need to gather some rl support around you and make a plan. You can do this!

thank you i actully feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders im going to take a week off work and take my babies away we deserve it.

I hope you're finding some peace of mind now you've taken control back. I was in a similar situation 10 years ago with my dp at the time (although he was partying so he didn't have to deal with his cancer diagnosis).

I couldn't take the lack of respect anymore towards me and out ds and kicked him out.

It took 6 months of him kipping with his parents for him to come to his senses and sort himself out. We got back together and are now married with another ds.

But it could've gone the other way...and I learned during our seperation that I could cope on my own and I wasn't prepared to take his crap however much I loved him.

Good luck. Remember you are teaching your dc how to respect themselves and their partners

xx

Good for you. Make sure you change the locks before you go away, though.

I'd be amazed if he wasn't seeing someone, to be honest. How many friends does he have that would put up with him hanging around with them all night every night?