What should I tell my pregnant friend who's dp is screwing her up?!

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Morning all!

My friend recently told me that she was pregnant and I was overjoyed for her as I know she was broody and her and dp were doing really well. They've had a rocky past cos of her dp's depression. They broke up a couple of times, but unfortunately fall under the 'can't live with or without each other' catagory.

When you see them together, they just look right, but dig a little deeper and you'll see that her shy and quiet boyfriend has a lot of issues, which have probably been caused by years of drug taking in his teens. He's super paranoid, anxious and a bit of a recluse tbh.

Having said all that, recently i've found him to be much easier to be around and in a way, I kind of have a soft spot for him, because I could relate to his depression and social shyness.

What i've heard over the past couple of days though have made me lose my soft spot for him altogether. For no reason whatsoever, he's decided that he needs his space and they don't belong together. My friend says that things were going really well and this has just come from nowhere. He says that he loves her more than anything but needs to move out because he's feeling clostraphobic. She's 4 months pregnant ffs!! They broke up several months back and he couldn't function without her and so they got back together. I think he pulled the sympathy card to get her back tbh and i'm not sure she was 100% sure it was the right thing to do to get back together. I know she loves him, but she's sick of his out of control mood swings. She also is embarassed by his lack of social skills. She will often have to cancel nights out etc because he can't handle the crowds..

He's on meds and is seeing someone for his depression/anxiety, but the downs seem to be outweighing the ups.

What should I tell her? I don't think he really wants to leave her, but how many more times should she take him threatening this?!

Any advice please

TIA

Normally 'butt out' is the wisest thing to do but I think you should be honest on this occasion. :) Tell her that you think what he's done is hurtful & selfish but probably the best thing in the circumstances. Also reassure her that you'll support her through the pregancy and when the baby arrives. I'm guessing she'll want to talk about everything a lot so listening is definitely something you can do. With any luck, once her baby arrives she'll appreciate that 'love' is very different to 'infatuation'.

What is clear is that this man is very damaged, very selfish, can probably just about contain it when it's just him and your friend one-on-one and she's giving him all the care and attention he craves.... but the prospect of being a father and, worse, having to share your friend with a baby is causing him a major crisis. She really is better off without him

Another one here saying she needs to get shot of him.

cogito, I have actually already said that what he's doing is selfish and just plain wrong, it's mentally torturing her! But so far, i've not actually suggests that she leaves, or asks him to leave.

I'm genuinely concerned for the baby if they do split, because with all the issues that he has i'm not sure how he'd cope with being a single dad. I'm sure this is going through my friends mind too. In fact, she's probably thinking about it a lot of the past couple of days. He can also be quite verbally aggressive. He's never physically hurt her, but he shouts and sometimes throws things when he's cross. He will often twists things and make it look as though it's her who's in the wrong, when it clearly isn't. I'm not saying she's faultless and if anything her biggest fault is being a bit too submissive and therefore, sometimes it seems as though she's allowing him to walk over him. She tells me that she'll let a lot of his behaviour go because she's scared of how he'll react.

He's never physically hurt her, but he shouts and sometimes throws things when he's cross. He will often twists things and make it look as though it's her who's in the wrong, when it clearly isn't.

Ah, so he's abusive.

Definitely be there for her, encourage her to talk, listen to her, validate her feelings of upset at the shit he pulls.

Point her in the direction of Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) or of the books by Lundy Bancroft ("Should I stay or should I go?" and "Why does he do that?") if she seems open to it.

Sorry, I took 'he needs his space' to mean that he'd left already.

Sounds like she's deep in the clutches of an emotional abuser. By painting himself as the helpless depressive, he's exploiting her caring nature. With the violent aggression, he's keeping her scared, walking on eggshells, exploiting her natural aversion to conflict. Leaving and returning is another typical way to wrong-foot the victim and keep them anxious about being abandoned. Does he ever threaten suicide? Wouldn't suprise me. He had you fooled as well.... He's a shit of a man and he'll be a a shit of a father whether he's living with her or not.

If you do a bit of Googling on 'Emotional Abuse' (or check these boards) you'll find all the features he's displaying in a pretty classic fashion. Again, where I'd normally say 'butt out' I think you should do everything possible to alert your friend to what's going on, show her what emotional abuse looks like and offer support.

Ugh. Your friend needs to get well clear of him. She needs to spend the rest of the pregnancy as out of touch with him as possible with only the occasional 'baby is fine, I'll let you know if that changes' text so she can get some breathing space before the baby arrives. It's unlikely she'll indulge his juvenile neediness when she's got an actual child to look after.

It sounds as though she'll be needing your friendship a lot though. What's her living situation? Does he have any control over her house?

Help her get out OP, as much as you can. Sounds like she's tried her damnedest to be with him. I appreciate that he has problems and is working on them however, there's a baby involved now and it's best your friend distances herself now rather than when the baby comes.
He can still be a father, with supervised visits, until mum is sure and comfortable that he can cope.
I hope things work out for her xx

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I'm just really worried about her going through the same thing again and again. Her boyfriend before this one was really abusive, but a lot worse than this one! He would humilate her in front of her friends and it got physical on a couple of occasions. I didn't have the pleasure of meeting up thankfully That was before we were friends.

I know a lot of what he's doing is shitty, but I really did/do believe there's a good guy in there somewhere. He asks her to put her foot down more with him and say if she doesn't like what he's doing, but she doesn't feel right. She's lovely, but she's the kind of person who would appologise for breathing.

I think if he found out that I was suggesting that she leaves him, I think he would be very confrontational with me and I have to admit, that makes me very uncomfortable because i've seen him angry and for a skinny guy, he can be very intimidating. On the COMPLETE flip side, he can also be the most considerate, caring, thoughtful and protective man, so I can understand why she's been so torn for so long.

I'm just so concerned for this baby. All this stress right now isn't going to do it any good.

There may be a 'good guy in there somewhere' but why should either you or your friend waste any more time finding out? If he scares you that much, doesn't that say something about this 'good guy' i.e. he's a nasty little shit?

Emotional abusers - and I'm sorry, but I think you've been as suckered into his little pantomime as she is - alternative super-lovely behaviour with pretty horrendous stuff. That's their MO. They keep everyone too frightened to say anything whilst at the same time living in the vain hope that the 'good guy' puts in an appearance.

Your friend may be trapped with Mr Depressed Psycho But A Good Bloke When He Wants To Be. You don't have to assist him.

Yup, he's an abuser all right. I agree with Cogito that his manipulative number has worked on both you and your friend. He intimidates you, and you still want to hang on to the thought that there's "a good guy in there somewhere"?

Also, at He asks her to put her foot down more with him. Right. So once again, she's responsible for his behaviour because she could have stopped him? When it isn't "it's your fault, you made me angry" that he uses to blame her for his own behaviour, I'll bet. They really are all the same, the abusive little shits.

Both you and your friends might benefit from reading the links at the start of the EA support thread. She's surely distraught and stressed out, and hooking her up to that MN community (again, if she's open to it) could be a good source of validation and support for her.

Whether or not she comes out of her denial, your friend is going to have a stressful pregnancy. (Detaching oneself from an abusive partner is a long and fraught process, even when the abused partner has snapped out of denial). Apart form you, what RL support does she have in place? Do encourage her to speak to her GP, her midwife/HV if she has one, and Women's Aid.

I understand why you may say i've been suckered in, but I really haven't. I know he's mentally abusing her and i've said time and time again that she doesn't have to put up with it. I'm only mentioning his good points, simply because he has them. Under the circumstances, they may very well be superfluous. I know that abusers aren't abuser all the time, but I guess I was just giving you an idea as to why she has stayed for so long. They've been together on and off since secondary school.

No, I haven't thought about putting her in touch with womens aid. I guess my first move was to try and get her to leave, or ask/tell him to.

Leaving is a choice only she can make. Tell her that's what she should do if you want, but it's a statement she may balk at, and she will likely react (at least at first) by "shooting the messenger" if it's a message she's not prepared to hear.

Getting her to speak openly to people like you, other friends, GP, midwife, and WA, as well as reading up on emotional abuse and her options in the face of it, may help her slowly come to her own realisation that she has to leave.