My Ds wants a relationship with his absent father and I am finding it hard.

[QueenieLovesEels]

My son has expressed a wish to pursue a relationship with his biological father.

I left his father when my son was 6 mths old owing to a whole list of abusive behaviours and he has refused to take care of the children since.

My son found his details on Facebook now he is 13 and they have been communicating.My XH is showing an interest in establishing a relationship with him and I am really torn.

I am conflicted between feelings of disloyalty on my son's part and utter contempt for my XH who after years of neglecting both my son and our autistic daughter,now thinks he can just pick up with my DS. He has no desire to engage with our disabled child.

I know my son has a right to pursue this relationship but I think no good will come of it. I am not standing in his way but I am furious.

Do I just stand back and wait for the inevitable?

My DH took both my children on from when my son was 2 and has been a wonderful father to them.

I really feel disappointed as my son knows enough about this man to make an informed choice. He is aware he has been to prison for stealing off of his own family. He is aware of his gambling and drinking and his refusal to have access when they were younger because ' looking after children is the mother's job'.....etc.

He owes over £70,000 in maintenance and I am wondering if this is his part of his agenda.

All views welcome!

Your son may simply be curious about his biological father, which is very understandable to me. I doubt it is in any way an "endorsement" of his father or his father's behaviour. Your son is only 13 and will make his own mind up, probably later on. Honestly I don't think its any reflection of his love for or loyalty to you .

p.s. are you planning on getting the owed maintenance?

I do understand the curiosity. My DS is now talking about wanting a relationship with his 'real' father. It is just so insulting as in no way, shape or form has he been a father to him.

Ref the CSA, yes he is paying it back after the Criminal Compliance team were able to uncover his dishonest declarations. He is paying it back at the rate of £50 per month.

All along though I would rather he had shared the care of the children instead but he refused to. When a parent refuses there is nothing you can do.

I can understand your anger and frustration, especially at the double-standards and unfairness being displayed. However, be honest with your DS rather than vetoing the contact. He's old enough to understand how his father has behaved towards you and how he has neglected both his children, emotionally and financially. If there's any romantic ideas going on about your ex, at least give him a bit of a reality check and let him know what to expect. Also tell him that you and DH love him very much. My feeling is that he will meet his Dad, eventually discover that you were telling the truth, get let down in some way, and you'll have to be there to pick up the bits afterwards. I think you can only delay that happening, not prevent it.

I have had an honest and frank conversation with my DS. I have told him how I feel and the reasons for it. I have also told him I accept that he wants to meet his father and that whilst I will facilitate it I do not want direct involvement. I have told him his biological father is not welcome at my house, he is not to give him our home phone number and that I will have no interface with him. My son has his own phone etc and can do this independently.

I think you're doing incredibly well FWIW. DS is in that twilight period where he's not so small that you can control him 100% and not so grown-up where he can cope if it all turns sour. You still have to protect him and I think by saying what you said, giving parameters, being open and allowing the contact to go ahead he'll have the confidence to back out the minute his Dad shows his true colours, rather than persevere because he wants to rebel. Good luck

I can understand where you're coming from, my DD is turning 4 next month, she has never met her father, and he has not intention of being involved in her life, and I fully expect her to be curious when she is older. Lord knows what his reaction will be, but I know it will 'bite' a little if it comes to that.

You have to let your DS make the decision in this, if he wants to, let him and support him, he may well need it

I think you are doing the right thing.

Although your son has been told what his biological father is like, it's still natural for him to want to see for himself, I think. If you make it 'forbidden' then that just makes it more exciting for a 13 year old. I can remember sitting in my room at that age thinking "maybe I'm adopted and my REAL parents WON'T MAKE ME GO TO BED THIS EARLY!" and so on, in a wholly ungrateful childish manner. There wasn't a mysterious 'real' parent out there to try this theory out on, though. What I'm trying to say is, please try not to take it to heart and feel that he's throwing all the love and effort your DH (and you) have given him over the years back in your faces. He's 13. He isn't doing that - no more than any kid does, anyway! You're the ones who've looked after him and made his life secure all these years. You are his parents. This is a curiosity that is natural. Best case scenario (for your DS, though hard for you) is that they get on well and have a friendly relationship. Worst case scenario is that your DS realises that his dear old mum did know a thing or two after all and his 'father' is a useless pillock who'll let him down. Either way he'll be ok because he's got you and your DH to pick up the pieces and look after him.

I have a similar ish situation, though there is contact between my son and his father. My son doesn't think his father is much cop, to be honest, but then that's because he's actually experienced the uselessness for himself. But I completely understand how bloody downright furious is makes you feel when you've shouldered ALL the responsibility for the whole of this child's life and the other parent just picks and chooses the bits they fancy being involved in. Support your son through gritted teeth with a smile on your face (if you can manage it) and come here to rant and rave about what a total cock the man is and how unfair the situation is. You're only human - of course it pisses you off. But direct your anger where it should rightly go - at your ex, not your boy. I totally empathise with how GRRRRRR this must be making you feel.

Good luck!