How the heck do I tell my mil (politely!) to mind her own beeswax?

[garcold]

Dh and I are going through a rough patch at the moment. Dh got very drunk and told her everything about our problems.
I then received (unsolicited) advice from her on what I should or should not do.
I bit my tongue but 'yessed' or 'no-ed' politely while not agreeing or disagreeing with her. In short, I tried my best to be diplomatic IYSWIM.

In any case, dh and I have decided to make a go of things. We have no dc's at present, but I am now in awkward position of needing to speak to her about something knowing that she will be sticking her oar in (she is highly dominant and arrogant). How do I tell her -as politely as I can- that we are trying to sort things out ourselves and that, frankly, she is wasting her breath as we're going to stay together regardless of her advice.
Because couples, in my experience, do what they want regardless of other's advice.
Help!

You say 'this is none of your business'. People who are dominant respect strength, not mealy-mouthing.

Just tell her kindly that you appreciate her advice and that she was/is there for your DH to talk to, but that you've talked a lot and decided to work on things, and think it'll be easier and clearer if you do it together rather than listening to other people's advice. If she persists, be firmer!

Agree with banana's tactful but firm approach. Why wind her up when she will be your mil for years, probably? But fair also to start as you mean to go on, and anyway, t was your h who involved her in the first place.

Why do YOU need to speak to her? Why not let your husband do it? I can't think of any occasion where I have "needed" to speak to my MIL about something. I would probably avoid speaking to her currently. If she gave advice I'd say "sorry but it's our marriage and we're sorting it out ourselves". If her son is unhappy and told her about his problems then to some extent he has made it be her problem. I suspect if my son or daughter when older told me about marital problems I'd want to help.
I'd hope I'd have the sense to keep my advice to the person asking for it (ie my adult child) and not try and lecture their spouse though.

Get your H to speak with her, it's his fault that she knows so much. I would also have a conversation with him about letting his tongue run away with him when he's had a few too many.

If you really want to do it then I'd go with something along the lines of...

" MIL, I really appreciate that you are trying to help and mean well but H and I are trying to make our marriage work, we both know ourselves what needs to be done and don't need any input from outside. Rest assured, if we feel we do then we will go to a professional marriage counsellor. I/we don't want to feel that anyone close to us is taking sides or judging us, we need you to remain neutral. Please respect our wishes"

If she still continues then you have to be blunt and tell her in no uncertain terms that there's only two of you in your marriage and to butt out.

Good luck

Thanks. Although my view is that I would have the sense to never offer grown up children marital advice, 'tis the road to hell as people do what they want anyway and it could all backfire. The only exception I'd make is that if my adult child was in physical danger or their kids were.

Anyway, thanks, I needed words and mn has provided.

I think it's how you offer that advice TBH

Eg - If my son and his wife were having problems I'd try my best to remain neutral but if I felt they would benefit from getting away for a few days together then I'd say so.

However, I wouldn't start saying to him "she should or shouldn't be doing this" or saying to her "you ought to do this or that" "you are wrong and you should do it this way" IYSWIM

IMO, our kids are just that until they reach adulthood. They'll always be our babies but we need to learn that once grown they ARE adults with their own opinions,thoughts, solutions to problems and ideas. If they ask for our input then ok, offer constructive advice "are you sure?" "that sounds great but have you thought about XYZ" I love the saying "you have to learn by your own mistakes" it's true.

DH spilt his guts, let HIM deal with his mother.