To not want to leave newborn DD with my ex?

[snowdropsinmay]

This could be long, sorry.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with DD, first baby. DH and I split up 2 weeks ago now, I don't really want to go into it but it wasn't a nice situation, and I know it's early days but I have no plans to go back.

SO DH is now obviously worried about how custody arrangements are going to work, his suggestion is that while I am on maternity leave ( one year) I have DD in the week during the day, and he has her overnight Friday and through to Sunday evening. He wants to start this arrangement as soon as shee's born from the word go. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I have told him I don't feel comfortable being seperated from her so quickly for so long. His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

For other reasons I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD alone with DH as it is, and for such long periods of time so soon seems just horrific to me. Or am I being completely selfish not letting him 'share' DD? I don't know anymore.

Thank you

Missed the H bit - obviously if you are married then parental rights are automatic.

I know it's fashionable since the Children's Act came into force to insist a child has the right to see their parent as a default. But even a brief glance at these boards shows how frequently the parent is violent, abusive, irresponsible or just uninterested.

If you feel your H falls into these categories then don't feel bound to pursue maintaing contact at all costs. It's not always best and that should be acknowledged openly imho.

Op as your other thread on this states dv is an issue then mediation is apsolutly NOT advised not recamended and is concidered to be counter productive as it takes no acc of the power/ control dynamics of a abusive relationship

First of all.. Its his first child, how does he think his going to cope with a new born baby for 2 nights, after 1 weekend think he will re think this plan....

Secondly, no he is not entilted to have the baby all weekend, yer ok, his the dad but he has no right taking ur newborn baby away from you, maybe when baby is about 6 months old yes ok, but every weekend, what about you wanting to do things with her and family and friends, no.. Both of you have to 'agree' suitable times, so say for instance, Wednesday evenings for afew hours (maybe with a friend or family member with u at the house if ur scared , u can both be in another room while he has contact with baby) and then maybe Saturday and Saturday night, but only overnight when baby is older..

Violence, what when ur 30 weeks pregnant??? He is bloody lucky his not locked up, if he can hurt u and ur unborn child he is lucky that u are giving him the opportunity at all...

No court in the world would separate a newborn baby and her mother to spend the weekend with a violent father !!!

If he has been violent you need to get that out in the open my love, sorry to say it but to protect your baby you are going to have to wash your linen in public.

You must not minimise it.

It is NOT your fault he's been violent and YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

Im so sorry - it should be such a joyful time for you.

Have you talked to the police/WA etc about the violence?

It is critical they all know if you don't want your baby at risk.

by the way you've totally the right thing walking away from him have some hugs and a big slice of sticky cake from me.

He's treating your baby like an object and not really considering her needs. I agree with other posters that you need time to bond with her and then when you feel overnight visits are appropriate then you say so.

I sympathise. I see you are talking to solicitor, this is great. Do enroll all help you need. Mention to HV / SS for their assistance.

Newborns are vulnerable and need a main carer around the clock. If there is violence, how would he react at 3am with a crying baby and no sleep? I found it tough.

Good luck.

the violence is the most imprtont thing o address to make sue you and baby are safe. cntact cen/will happen later in a safe place eg contact centre or supervised by a third party.

has he already left family home?
you need the violence recorded/reported.

tell all to your midwife.

No, not planning for DH to be at the birth, his own choice, he did not want to be there even before we seperated.

The issue is that I don't feel comfortable around DH and he doesn't want to be anywhere near me at the moment, that may change, I don't know. I'm looking into him having a session every week with DD supervised at a contact centre, not sure yet though.

Violence was reported to the police today, so it's now all documented.

Well done on reporting it.

Just keep focusing on you for the time being, you and that bump need to be getting lots of rest.

Personally (and I know not everyone shares my world view) he loses 'rights' when he starts hitting you.

Well done for reporting.

He is absolutely bonkers insisting on that sort of time for a new born. Forget mediation for the moment, it really isn't advisable, and you don't feel comfortable being around him so just don't be.

Cancel the mediation.