I wish my Dad would just stop

[fiddlefingers]

My dp and I have been together 4 years now, have two children together and I have 3 from my previous relationship. DP cut off his toxic family over 2 years ago due to his grandfather touching my dd3. It was a no brainer to cut contact and my dp did everything he could to protect us in the circumstances. It was him that found out. His family have been vile, threatening all sorts (lots of backstory but want to keep it short so sorry if it seems I'm dripfeeding).

My own parents are toxic too and I finally cut contact early this year. My Dad beat me whilst my mum looked on and told me I deserved it, was crazy, needed to be locked up and years later denied it ever happened. She is the nodding dog type 'oh yes, your father is right, listen to everything he has to say' type. My Dad, well, he's god. He has got worse since he has got older. He is now so paranoid he shouted at a child for standing next to him in a shop because the child was 'trying to steal his pin number'. His Paypal got hacked and he shouted abuse down the phone at me and dp as it was my dp's fault according to my Dad (it wasn't). He didn't apologise afterwards when he found out he was wrong. He phoned my dp just after the row this year to tell him how awful I am and was furious that dp refused to listen and hung up on him. I have memories of being touched down below when I was small, it was by a male friend who my parents let babysit and my Dad continued to have a pint down the pub with this man after the event. I was also at the hospital for tests and xrays around that time but I don't know what these are for and this would have been about 35 years ago. My life is like a jigsaw with some of the pieces missing iykwim.

A few weeks ago dp got a text from his family (they live overseas) to tell him they have a caravan for him and the two little ones but not me. I have since found out that it was my Dad that passed on the number and my Dad has been in contact with dp's family for the best part of this year. I was shocked but like my dp said, I shouldn't be surprised at anything my Dad does. It hurt like hell though. My Dad has made all kinds of threats in the past including having people kneecapped, taken out like he is some sort of bloody mafioso and he actually believes his own crap. Up until now I've just ignored him and hoped he'd get bored and go away but it's not working. How can I get this bully to back off as the only way it will stop and I can be free is when he is dead (I am in Ireland so laws slightly different and not much I can actually do apart from locking up the children's passports to prevent them being removed from the country which dp wont let happen anyway). My dp has been my rock through all this.

You cut contact with both sets of parents, but neither of them wants to stop needling you.

Well, they possibly never will stop trying that.

All you can do is protect yourself in both practical and emotional terms. In practical terms: change SIM cards, e-mail addresses, etc. Slight logistical pita but worth it. In emotional terms: have you had counselling? Also, look at the websites and books linked to at the start of the Stately Homes thread. Your goal is detachment - not caring anymore what your estranged families think, say or do - and a little time and work will get you to that state.

Good luck. You are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I have cut him off, he is just a manipulative nasty little man that is going out of his way to get his revenge. I'm scared but I know I shouldn't be. I haven't spoken to him since January. There have been repeated threats from dp's family to take the children to his country without my permission and it seems that my Dad is now going along with this just to get his own back on me. It might sound crazy, but this is how my Dad works.

Numbers changed, emails changed. Provocative? Sorry. I have spent countless numbers of hours crying that I just wish he would stop, wish he would just leave me and my family alone but the only way he will ever do this is the day he dies. He is relentlessly persuing his revenge because I 'haven't apologised enough for everything I put them through as a child' and those were his exact words. And when we can afford it, we will move, again.

Thanks Hotdamnedlife - haven't quite got there with the not caring, hence the tears once again but I'm working on it.

If he's harassing you can you report it? Get some sort of no contact order?

being in ireland does not make it any more legal for your dp's family to kidnap your children. as far as i am aware, even your dp doesn't have the right to take the children to live in a different country without your consent. and if you are really worried about this, then you should lock up their passports.

I can lock up the passports and am going to do this. Just need to get one for ds first. No point reporting it, they won't do anything unless someone actually gets hurt or something serious happens.

I am very sorry fiddle for what you are going through and have experienced in the past. I wouldn't have said your thread title is provocative, but it could be very upsetting for recently bereaved people. I am sure that is not your intention, and I think you will get more kindly responses if you ask MNHQ to change it.

Bewitched - thanks, not that wasn't my intention and done (used the report button, is that right?)

Let the Gardai know that there is an abduction threat against your children from both sides of your (estranged) family. They may not be able to do anything now, but if they have a record of it and something happens, this should speed their response and ensure they take it seriously.

My friend had a lodger a few years ago that turned out to be very creepy (she had to ask him to leave and he then stalked her children, turned out he was looking at child porn and he eventually ended up being deported). She got them involved at the stage when she was getting him out of her house (no violence but her husband was working away and she wanted some support) - and because of doing that, when the kids spotted him in the bushes a few days later they acted immediately (we are talking police helicopter, dogs etc)

She said the Gardai were absolutely brilliant - slightly different situation to yours but risk to children involved so they were completely on the ball.

Also, if there was any prosecution taken due to abuse in the past, they will link this to your report, which will again increase the seriousness (is that a word?!) with which they will view your situation.

Oh I could hug you onthe I didn't think that there was anything that they could do or that they would take me seriously until something actually happened. Time to print off the emails I've saved and talk to dp about doing this together. Thank you so very much. I didn't ever report anything before about my parents, I was too scared to.

Hi there,

At the OP's request, we've edited the thread title.

MNHQ

That's much better.
Very glad you've had some useful advice.

fiddle I hope it all works out for you.

Maybe you could try one of the charity organisations that deal with child abuse about your own situation as a child - 1 in 4, Cara etc - you may not necessarily want to go the official reporting route but they can help you deal with what happened.

Good luck - our country has a horrible record of looking after our children but things are improving now, hope you feel safe soon.

HI, if there was any element of your not so 'd'f being involved in procuring you to be abused by the friend of his, it wouldn't be too late to report him.

I reported abuse from the 60s and before in 2009, and the only reason my dm not being questioned was that she was 94 at the time.

OK, it was in England, but I would think that the law is fairly similar.

tb It happened in England as I was brought up there and moved over here when an adult. It's not something I've thought about doing before and I've got shivers thinking about it. Going to cook the kids dinner and I'll talk to dp when he's home. onthe I bookmarked the counselling link and would love to go but can't fit it in around dp's shift work at the moment unfortunately as it varies week to week so much but I definitely will need to do something.

Fiddle, you might want to consider a safety deposit box in the bank for the passports if it's something you're really worried about. No one but you would be able to access them that way, I doubt your dad's threats would work on the bank manager.

Lots of luck fiddle, you sound lovely.
Hope you're feeling better.

I'm really sorry for all you've been through and sorry you got an absolute SHIT for a father. It's so hard to cut off even the most toxic of parents - well especially hard with toxic parents as they get inside your head and twist everything so you don't know up from down and think everything is your own fault.

I didn't see the original thread title, so maybe I'm being unfair, but I am shocked at some posters responses to you given that you poured your heart out about physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

I do hope you get the help you need xx

Suddenly just knowing that I could, if I chose to, report him after all this time makes me feel much stronger already. Thanks for all the messages and advice :)

I've some syn free sausages waiting to be cooked and four hungry kids creating havoc so will save the chat with dp (and probably a few more tears) for later when the kids are in bed.

proud whilst I might feel that I would like my own father to 'drop dead' I can appreciate that it could upset other posters given their own personal circumstances.

Ah, I see - yes I can see why some would be offended and why you change it, but I think your OP made clear what a damaging presence your father has been and I can understand that sentiment (which is a commonly used expression). Hope you are ok.

Proud I felt exactly the same as you on reading the original title, but couldn't bear the idea that the thread would be derailed as I have seen many times, I'm sure you have too.