Why now?

[purplesocks]

Just to give a bit of backround- I broke up with my DP a few months ago. We`d been together about eight years, and it was a friendly split. I have now moved out.

One of things that did cause rows was the amount of housework he did- literally nothing. It wasnt as if I was asking him to a great deal as we had a cleaner once a week- just a simple hoover if it needed it, maybe throw a wash on if I wasnt around to do it. He just wouldnt, and always claimed he couldnt see any mess.

He also always maintained he never wanted to get married, or have children. The not getting married thing didnt bother me, but I have always said I wanted children. This also contributed to our break up (Im NOT blaming everything on him here at all).

However, since we`ve been apart, he seems to have taken a huge U turn, has turned into the cleanest, tidiest person I know, and now desperately wants to get back together, get married and have children!

I`m not sure if this is just a reaction to things coming to an end, if this is geninely what he wants, or something he thinks will tempt me back, but it just seems such a drastic change of mind.

Im also not 100 percent sure that I want to get back together, even if he has changed his mind. I love him as a person very much, but dont think Im in love with him anymore. Part of me feels like a complete bitch for thinking this, as surely it takes longer to get over someone who youve spent eight years of your life with then a few months? Is it really awful of me to feel like this, especially if he has changed his mind now?

There is no "feeling awful" or "being a bitch" for not wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Being a bitch to yourself and him would be getting back together when you didn't want to. It sounds as if you want children but not him, not anymore, that's not enough for a relationship.

Seems to be a common thing, the old "you don't know what you've got til its gone" thing.

The trouble is, once he's got it again, will he still want it?!

I would say that if you desperately wanted to give it another try, then give him the benefit of the doubt (once only) to see if he can maintain the new him for any length of time (but without rushing into having kids, just in case its not real).

If you're not sure then I wouldn't jump back into anything, it may have been a lucky escape for you.

What's that saying about 'one swallow does not a summer make'? ... A few months of him being the Good Housekeeping Man of the Year doesn't negate eight years of his default setting of arch slob. Talk is cheap, unfortunately. People say what you want to hear when it suits them.

An Ex is an Ex for a reason OP.

At some point during those 8 years of living with a commitment phobic slob the rosy specs dropped off and, as you were left with loving the man that you become so familiar with more as a brother than a lover, you've found it easy to 'get over him'.

It may be that your leaving gave him one godalmightly wake-up call which has caused to him to reassess his priorities.

However, some dumpees will profess to having seen the light undergone a transformation in order to win back the dumper only to revert to default mode once their mission has been achieved.

It seems to me that he's blown his chances with you; what a shame, in more ways than one, that you didn't leave him years ago.

Personally I wouldn't bother giving it another go as others have said words and regret mean nothing he had his chance to have a life with you and he didn't put the effort in, I think he will bend over backwards for six months and then slowly creep back to his old ways but that's just IMO, however if you are really torn why not suggest meeting up and dating for a bit again to see how you feel let him show you he has changed!

"Is it really awful of me to feel like this,"

Feeling like you don't love him that much any more... no. It's not awful. It can sometimes take a while for the lust-goggles to fall away and realise that what you're left with is someone who is OK as a person but not compatible with you. Better to work that out now than after you're saddled with children and a wedding ring.

I'm going to swim against the tide a little here OP - but only on the basis there is anything that makes you want to stay with this man.

Similar situation happened with girl I used to work with. She was a lovely girl, totally gorgeous, in a very long-term relationship with an immature prat who didn't treat her very well at times - never wicked, just taking her for granted. She wanted marriage, kids etc - he acted like she was trying to lassoo him. Eventually she saw the light and dumped him. Started going out lots, went travelling for a few months, got on with life.

Now, as has happened with your DP - he suddenly got time to realise what he had lost! He begged to come back, she said no way and held out for ages. Eventually they started dating again - right back to basics. He had to basically start again as a mature man.

They are now very happily married and he is a totally different animal - does loads for her, cherishes her (instead of acting like she's lucky to have him), does lots round the house. It CAN happen - sometimes the shock makes a guy sit up and wise up. If you think there is anything worth saving here make him work for it SLOWLY - don't date for 3 weeks then move back in. Make him earn you back over time. What's six months or a year against a whole lifetime?

It might give you both a chance to fall in love again and for him to realise how lucky he's been getting a second chance.

I think that for me, in your op the important bit was that you feel like a bitch for having got over him so quickly and basically you are asking us if that is alright. And the answer is yes. It is alright if you grieved it while in it, and now it is over, you are free but don't want to be too openly happy about it because one is expected to be sad after a breakup.

However, if you have any serious doubt about the man, then yes look at that and as the others say, take it slowly. I think it would take time to work out whether you like and respect him and then fancy him again, because you have an 8 year old relationship which is unlikely to be full of the freshness of spring, so that would make it harder to assess in a way. (If you see what I mean.)

I reckon, give it time. See how you feel. If you keep waking up feeling happy and full of plans for future change, I would say don't go back. I have left 2 men and felt happy and free again, and not lived to regret it.

By the way you don't owe him sadness, if he killed it. He should have thought of that before.

eh ?

fgs, don't get back with him just because you feel a bit guilty because it appears he's had a (temporary) personality transplant

you no longer love him, nor respect him

walk away, and find someone that you do

Hmm.. the thing is also, do you still fancy him? Even if he has changed, have you already experienced enough disappointment to be turned off? It makes for some long hard years ahead if that spark is no longer there and if it hasn't been reignited what's the point?