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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fake or Toxic Friendship

14 replies

complexo · 26/06/2012 14:04

Have you ever been in a situation when you think you have a real friend and they turn out to be fake to you or even toxic?
And what about when you are not even sure they are or aren't nice to you and it is all in your head?
How did you find out and how did you sort out?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 14:13

Yes I've been in this situation. Long story but my way of sorting it out has been that I've not spoken to them for about 20 years now. :) I tend to take people on face value so if they appear to be nice I'll treat them accordingly. If they appear to be nice but I suspect they are having sly digs behind my back, I have no problem with telling them to stop doing it. What I do NOT do is give up private information too freely. It is bad enough when people turn out to be two-faced without giving them ammunition. I have two or maybe three close friends that know the real me. Everyone else gets the me I choose to present.

monkeymoma · 26/06/2012 14:15

journo?

Original poster

complexo · 26/06/2012 14:43

?????

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 14:49

So who do you suspect is your fake friend and how are you planning to deal with it?

MissFaversam · 26/06/2012 15:09

Twice and they're gone

Original poster

complexo · 26/06/2012 20:11

I think I have two of them. I feel they just contact me when they need to use me. I think one of them likes my company because she can feel superior: eg. higher achievements and better of financially. Funnily enough as my own situation is improving she is not interest in listening about my success but was very 'worried' when I was failing...I don't know how I will deal with it because I don't know if it is all in my head. I don't understand 2 replies here but thanks anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

complexo · 26/06/2012 20:11

OP posts:

tenzeros · 26/06/2012 20:16

Whether a friend is fake or toxic, I tend to avoid them.

SarahStratton · 26/06/2012 22:11

They think you're a journalist.

This is why I don't bother with friends. IME most people are toxic, and best avoided.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/06/2012 08:29

The type of friend that likes you because you make her feel superior or enjoys listening to your problems can be managed. If you enjoy her company and can ignore the superiority thing, stay friends but stay relentlessly up-beat and don't admit to any problems. If you don't enjoy her company and/or she makes you feel inferior, drop contact. If you think people are using you, say 'no' more often. Real friends don't mind. Fake friends will melt away if you're not useful.

Mumsyblouse · 27/06/2012 08:38

Most people are toxic and best avoided, I couldn't disagree more. I've worked in big cities and smaller towns, in large and small companies/institutions and I've found most people to be relatively nice.

But I don't make friends straight away, I might get to know someone for a couple of years in a workplace situation before going to their houses. I'm not usually wrong, and have never had a toxic/fake friend, I don't really know what one is. I would only be friends with people who I really liked, clicked with personality wise and who made me feel better after getting together (even if they were moaning if you see what I mean, who overall are interesting positive people). I find the suspicious world of fake/toxic friends only really exists on MN, I have friends who I've had for 25 years and I don't think any of them really have fake/toxic friends either.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/06/2012 08:44

If you wait 2 years before deciding to be friends enough with someone to go to their house, aren't you rather suspicious yourself?

Swatchdog · 27/06/2012 08:45

I've been mulling this over for the past few days myself. I wonder whether we're conditioned through earlier relationships to allow people to treat us badly. I have a toxic mother and my first boyfriend was abusive and it took me a long while to understand their behaviour as wrong. Fortunately my DH is a wonderful, kind man who has helped me on my journey.

I still end up with friends who put me down, or criticise me, or use me. It seems sometimes like I'm a magnet for them! I have now learnt to cut them out when they start exhibiting controlling behaviours and I have no guilt in doing so. I am still trying to believe that most people are nice though, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Of course, when I'm on a downer about it I only remember the dickheads and start down a black hole of loathing others, but out of all the people I've met over the years only a handful or two have been truly awful.

Bunbaker · 27/06/2012 08:49

DD had a toxic friend at primary school and for the first few months of high school. Toxic friend specialised in sabotaging any new friendships DD had made because she wanted DD to be totally dependent on her. Things came to a head and the school ended up getting involved.

The upshot is that both girls have been told not to pursue the friendship and DD has gone off with her new friends (who are proper friends BTW) and toxic friend has her own group. Although I hear she is now "using" other girls to get what she wants. This girl is very manipulative and controlling (the tutor's words not mine) and she will always be like that. I just hope that the other girls are better at standing up to her than DD was.

The moral of the story is to walk away and try and expand your friendship group.

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