Relationships? What relationships?

[OhWesternWind]

Well, I think this is all going to come out in a bit of a blurt so apologies in advance if it's not particularly coherent.

I split up from abusive ex early last year so I have been on my own with the children for around 18 months now, but really I was "on my own" within the relationship for several years. I felt very lonely a lot of the time. I have now moved areas and jobs to get away from ex and things actually feel a lot worse.

Because I've had to find a new job, I am now working longer hours than before so I have an early start getting up around 6 am and I am not getting home until 6 pm and then have to make tea, do things with the children, then it is bed time. I feel that I literally have no time for myself even to relax for half an hour apart from reading my book at bedtime. Weekends tend to be quite full-on too.

I am also desperately short of money and I don't have anything to spare at all for anything beyond the essentials.

The problem is, that these things are not helping me at all to build up a social life. I know some of my neighbours to have a quick chat to when I see them, but there's no-one I feel is a friend and that I can drop in on and see. But I have no time or money to take up a hobby or join a club, couldn't afford the subscription or to pay a babysitter, and finding the time is really difficult too. I have no hope at all of ever meeting anyone or finding a new partner - something I am becoming more interesetd in as time goes on I haven't really met any of teh children's friends' parents as I don't do school pick up. All the ways I previously met people seem closed off to me now and I don't know what to do.

The upshot is though that I feel really really lonely and isolated, I am starting all over again with a new bunch of work colleagues whereas my old ones knew me for 18 years, my old neighbours knew me for 11 years and there were several I could pop roudn to for a chat, not baring my soul or anything but a bit of adult company. There's nothing like that here and I don't even know if I woudl be any cop as a friend/partner as I seem to have so little time or money to do anything fun and basically I feel like I don't have anything to offer anyone.

Usually I am quite self-reliant and okay with my own company but this has been really getting me down lately and I just don't know what to do or even if anything can be done. Maybe I am just making excuses for myself and it's easier to say it's all down to time and money rather than me being too chicken to make the effort and get turned down. It's a mess.

Might not be your cup of tea but when I moved to an area when I knew no-one I joined a couple of feminist groups. I have made some brilliant friends through them. They are strong, educated, intelligent, articulate, impressive women. Some of them have been driven to do the feminist campaigning because of similar experiences to yours (and this is how I got involved) and have been extremely supportive of me (and hopefully vice versa) when we've had tough times.

And it's free!

I also joined a dance class which I go to once a week. It costs me £4 a lesson and after a few months I'd made some good friends at it too.

I joined a tennis club which costs me £20 a year. The people there are all a lot older than me but it still got me out of the house and was pretty cheap.

do the children not see their dad at all?

Thanks for replying. No, the children don't see their father or have any contact at all as he was violent and abusive to them, police case etc so it was all very nasty stuff.

I also live in quite a rural area so there are no local Gingerbread, Spice etc branches nearby which are things I have thought about.

I do like the thought of the feminist group - I will investigate that and see if there is anything local at all. Could do with some strong supportive women on my team!

PM me if you like with your area and I'll see if I have any contacts. They are seriously some of the nicest people I've ever met.

It is really really hard to socialise when you have no money spare and everyone else seems to have at least sum. I am lucky as I have my mum to take DS and he spends most of the day with his dad 3 times a week. But I am so broke I can barely afford the travel there somedays. I work from home and rely on tax credits. I have one friend locally and others around the UK - making plans is hard and I will avoid going out for a meal or a drink as I just can't justify the huge cost (it is huge to me, on my budget). There have been loads of films, ballet, museums etc I've wanted to go to - even if I went alone - and I just haven't been able to justify that. Ditto gigs, and hobbies/clubs.

I have recently taken up running, which (after the initial eye-watering outlay for shoes & sports bra) is free, and will keep my mood up.

Don't underestimate the internet as a source for friends - MN local, friends of friends on FB, etc. Just having a normal phone conversation with another adult can be really helpful. Feel free to PM me if you want to make a friend who is in Cornwall - no idea where you are. Don't ever feel you have nothing to offer anyone! because if you dig deep you'll probably find that you have loads to offer, your confidence has just been temporarily knocked by being so isolated and knackered.
Also don't rule out stuff like crafts/creating stuff/writing, which can be done in the evenings if you ever get a 2nd wind. I find telly helps as well, and having a regular programe to keep up with is a nice routine. Just be good to yourself, basically. I know it's really hard, and you sound like you're coping amazingly well.

*some, not sum. Freudian!

Hi, are you near to a chapter of these ladies?

Book groups. They're free aren't they? Socialising without money is hard and presumably you need babysitting.

I just typed a reply and then deleted it by accident, but I was saying thank you for all your replies and suggesetions. The Red hatters look great but sadly none near me. If I was the right sort of person I would start a group up myself.

HepHep, it's really hard isn't it. Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. I need to get online a bit more or on the phone as I do have friends in other areas. Just missing the face-to-face thing I think, having another adult in the house sometimes! I would love to have a friend in Cornwall, will pm you and you too Shirsten.

The children are 6 and 10 at the moment so in a few years will be okay to leave for a couple of hours, just not yet. I don't want to wish their childhoods away but I do worry what will happen to me in a few years when they are both up and out with their friends all the time and I am starting from scratch.

I have messages five old friends on Facebook. Let's hope there are some replies! I have always been a bit backward coming forward so I find it excruciating trying to instigate things!

What do you all think about trying online dating? Not sure I would ever be brave enough to actually do it. Haven't had a date since 1993 . . . What do you do on a date nowadays? Used to be get pissed quick and take it from there but that isn't really my style any more

You have my total empathy, as the name suggests I'm single and have not had anything serious in a while. Working full-time, random shifts makes meeting someone so hard. It's still better than a bad relationship. I can say that having some free time and the means to support yourself does not mean that you will meet a decent male either. I'm wondering where they all are?? Probably married already. Can't join a club as time off varies, when I go out it's with married or partnered people and you only meet likewise. However, given up worrying about it now mostly as I still have lots of fun going out and doing my thing. If it happens it does but it's not the be all.

Just re-read your first post and I think time will help. You've made a number of major moves and you are working very hard. Did you have to move so far away? It must have been a wrench to leave colleagues you'd known for nearly 20 years. As you can't afford babysitting, you'll have to do family things. What goes on at the school? Library? Is there one? Swimming pool? I dont' know too well how rural areas work or how poeple get together there so this may be useless. But see what there is for families.