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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was this abuse? And why does it still bother me?

5 replies

PiccadillyCircus · 27/02/2006 14:04

Thought about changing my name for this one but haven't.

When I was 17, I was a member of a church youth group. There was a leader of the youth group who was a Reader at the church I went to - not an ordained person, but involved in various aspects of the church.

There was a weekend away that I went on and on one of the nights, lots of us were sleeping in one room. This person was in a bunk bed near to where I was sleeping on the floor. I remember holding hands with him during the night. When we came back from the weekend, he kissed me (we were the only ones in the minibus by then).

I can't remember exactly how it came out, but my "friends" at school found out somehow and rather than talking to me, talked to a teacher. When my parents found out they were cross rather than supportive - I never have really talked to them about it. I remmeber sitting in lessons at school (in Lower 6th) just feeling nothing and as I was a person with few friends anyway, the fact that my 2 friends weren't talking to me didn't help.

The "relationship" carried on for two years, until I went to university. Nothing more than kissing happened physically, but emotionally it did.

I have (and am being) treated for depression and have spojen to various counsellors etc but have never been able to talk about this. I'm not sure why - I think it's because it must have been my fault in part, although it was more him wasn't it? He was in his mid 50s at the time.

DH knows all about it (in fact, it was one of the first things he knew about me as I unloaded it all to him in our first week at university). I am sure that had I not stopped the whole thing, more would have happened. I hate thinking about that.

Not sure why I am posting this, but I've been trying to for some time and wanted to get it out of my system so to speak.

OP posts:
lunavix · 27/02/2006 14:08

I think he took definate advantage.... but I'm not sure it could be called 'abuse' as such. You were over the age of consent (so you knew what you were doing) and it went on for long enough with the knowledge of a number of people.

Maybe the fact he abused his position to get close to a vulnerable 17 year old... I'm not surprised you can't get it out of your head, poor you :(

PiccadillyCircus · 01/03/2006 12:27

Thanks. I think I will have to try and forget about it really.

OP posts:
BettySpaghetti · 01/03/2006 12:35

I would maybe think about mentioning it to your counsellor as its obviously something thats been niggling away at the back of your mind for all this time. Maybe by talking about it you'll be able to put the matter to rest.

You also asked whether it was partly your fault -NO it wasn't!

BettySpaghetti · 01/03/2006 12:36

Sorry, meant to add that I agree with lunavix in that this man was taking advantage of his position

GDG · 01/03/2006 12:39

PC - it doesn't sound as though it was 'abuse' to me but it definitely sounds as though it would be worth talking to a professional about it if you feel you can. There is obviously something about it that is not sitting comfortably with you and it's clearly 'bugging' you atm. Perhaps talking to a counsellor about it will help you work through your feelings about it - you may get to the bottom of why you feel this way about it and it may be nothing 'sinister' at all - it could be anything.

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