How to deal with sulky parent?

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Staying at my mum and dad's at the moment - we moved overseas and are back for a few weeks for the school holidays. I appreciate that they will put me and my 3 dcs up and they do lots of fun things with the dcs, which is great.

However, my Dad has always been very oversensitive and goes into a long sulk at the slightest thing. And he seems to be getting worse every time we see him, to the point that it's ruining our time together. He needs to control every situation and no-one is allowed to say what they want in case he gets upset.

For example: Yesterday I asked my mum if there are any hairdressers around that you can walk into without an appointment - she told me of a well-known chain I could try. Fine. Then my Dad says (trying to help I suppose) "Why don't you go to my barber's? They would do it for you." He got out his phone and started to call them. I felt irritated but didn't say anything at first as I'm used to having to go along with what my Dad wants. Then I thought hang on, I don't have to do this, so I said "Actually Dad, I'd rather go to the one mum suggested, as I think you know where you are more with a well-known chain." He shook his head, slammed his phone down and stormed out. He didn't come back and talk to me for ages.

This morning, he wanted to show DS(9) something on the computer. DS said "I'm just watching something on tv at the moment" and Dad replied in a pointedly sarcastic voice (which probably went over DS's head but I got it) "OK then, that's FINE." Then he went into the garden and cut the grass with a face like fizz. I was annoyed about this as DS can be rude at times and I've been teaching him how to say what he wants politely, which he did.

So do we just leave him to sulk? I think it's ridiculous to not be able to say what we want. We haven't been rude to him ar anything.

Both you and your DS did the right thing by stating your preference. Neither of you criticised your father, just volunteered your own choices. You both did brilliantly.

Harder to work on not being bothered by your Dad's reactions, but that is what you now need to do. Remember that his actions, his perceptions, are HIS issue. They are down to his own baggage, and are not of your doing. You don't need to feel bad.

As to feeling annoyed about it: yeah, it's annoying behaviour. See what works best for you of either detaching emotionally, or just limiting contact to limit the occasions for such annoyance.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and he is being a bit childish and oversensitive. But if your parents are used to having the house to themselves, and are probably getting a bit set in their ways as they get older, he is probably finding it a bit stressful having you and the DCs around for so long.

Is there any way you could disappear somewhere for a few days to give them a break, which might improve matters?

I used to base myself at my parents' house when I returned for longish summer trips back to the UK from overseas, but would also head off for a few days or a week at a time to visit other people, so they didn't have me and two lively small children around for too long at any one time.

Thanks. It's good to hear that we didn't do anything wrong. I know that really, but feel guilty that I've obviously upset him, probably because he does so much for us and it seems a bit ungrateful?

I don't know why he's like that - insecurity maybe? I think if I understood why he does it I could put it aside as "not my fault" more easily.

It all becomes passive-aggressive too - what happened yesterday was that he found lots of things he had to do so couldn't give me a lift to the hairdresser. I don't have my own transport because my Dad bought a big car when I had dc3 "so that I don't need to rent a car when I come to stay".

Exexpat I know they both find it very tiring having us to stay and try to take the kids out but the transport issue makes this difficult. He would be very pissed off if I arrived with my own transport, because he bought the big car. That was his choice, however.

I think you need your own transport, no matter how pissed off he is. Are you allowed to drive the big car, or do you have to get him to drive you everywhere?

If he has controlling tendencies (which it sounds like) and you are dependent on him, that is going to be a problem. If you can afford to hire a small car for the duration - "just for nipping around" - that would probably improve things no end.

I could hire a car. I should do that next time we come. I did ask to pay to put myself on his insurance once before, and he agreed and said he would arrange it and I could give him the money later, then it turned out he hadn't done it. He said he was happy to give me lifts anywhere and he thought I would be nervous to drive a big car.

sounds like my DF. Sulks were common in my home growing up, and still happen. I dont think you did anything wrong nor did DS.

He definitely sounds as if he likes having you back as long as you stay in 'child' mode; but has a problem if you assert your adult independence. But as you say, thats his choice.

He wanted you to have your hair cut at a barber's?!

Yes, you're right. How do you deal with it porridgelover. As a child I was pretty passive but looking back I never learned how to say what I wanted. The message was not to be assertive. My Dad takes everything personally. I remember being amazed when I met DH's family and they could have a disagreement about something, without anyone sulking.

Yes clam he says they cut womens' hair too but I'd rather play it safe.

OP I wish I had some magic answer but I dont. Likewise, as a child, there was lots of editing what I wanted to say; very unassertive (not so much now I've realised )
I just ignore the sulks- they eventually wear themselves out.
I go on my merry way, I continue to be polite, respectful but not bending either.

When it blows up (always something minor) I ignore and bury nose in MN a book.

Sounds familiar! I am also quite assertive nowadays, and my dcs are too (a little too much for the GPs liking maybe....). There is still a lot of going into "survival mode" when we visit the GPs - I tend to switch off and let them decide what we're doing, which would be totally fine if they wanted to take the dcs off somewhere but they always expect me to come along too.

His behaviour sounds incredibly wearing. Is he like this to your mother too?

Well, my general rule in life is to not engage with sulkers on any level. I will mentally rewind what's happened and check to see if I've done anything wrong/hurtful and if not, as in these cases you quote, let them get on with it.

Did you get to the hairdressers in the end? If you don't want to hire a car, get a taxi - probably cheaper all round. But I would NOT allow myself to be at the mercy of someone controlling my movements with passive-aggressive sulking.

I do that too clam. And if I think something I said could have been a bit rude, I will go and apologise.

Still haven't had a haircut, hoping for today.

CailinDana I suppose he is like that with mum too, yes, but they've been together a long time and have worked out how to not fall out I think. They don't communicate much though, and my mum tends to internalise a lot, or sometimes have a moan to me. Neither of them confront anything directly - another thing I have had to learn!

I think you reacted in the best way you could, he sounds ridiculous, how does your mum cope with this behaviour constantly?

God, he sounds like myDF. If he isn't the centre of attention and controlling everything we get massive fall out. I have taken to ignoring it and feeling incredibly sorry for my mum!

My dad is/was exactly the same. He's very controlling and gets into a strop if people don't go along with his plans. I think it's mainly to do with boredom and having very little to do to fill his days.

We were once 5 minutes late (exactly 5 minutes) meeting them at Pizza Express, and he totally flipped his lid with us in front of a packed restaurant. We'd thrown dad's whole day into disarray by making him wait 5 minutes longer for his pizza than he should have done .

I very recently reached breaking point with him and gave him a huge telling off on the phone. He was interfering with my life, making himself cross by fretting about things that were absolutely no concern of his and he completely overstepped the mark when he tried to make me feel guilty for holidaying somewhere out of mobile signal and missing a couple of texts (not important, just things like 'Pointless was good today').

I suggest laying down the law with your dad. Mine hasn't put a foot wrong since I told him what I expected him to stop doing

Well done for confronting the issue! I can't imagine a huge showdown with my Dad, that NEVER happens in our family. I have asserted myself over important things in the past and he has been obviously pissed off for a long time, then seemed to get over it and start talking to me again. He and mum once invited themselves on holiday with us - it was awful. The next time it happened, I put my foot down. I said DH works long hours and wants to spend his holidays with the dcs, not being ignored in favour of the grandparents. They didn't come....