Really nervous ....

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

about STBXH getting his first letters from my solicitors. She is sending him 2, one to say we are applying for a divorce and one outlining contact times and days. I know he is going to go ape when he sees the contact one. She has told me to let her know and call 101 to record it if he kicks off. He is very volatile and controlling and has already sad that nobody is going to dictate to him when he can see his kids or enter 'his' house. He has never hit me but has been very close and has threatened to.

Have you changed the locks? This might give you some peace of mind for when he gets it, that whatever he does, he cannot come charging in.

Could you solicitor be more precise about when these letters are likely to arrive? Allow you to take preventative action? Calling 101 after the event seems a little risky. Could someone come and stay with you, for example?

I'd phone the local police DV team and let them know that you are scared and that he might react badly. It gives them a heads up and they may also give you advice to change the locks etc. which helps when dealing with these men as there is and outside agency responsible for your (illegal) act citing the right to protect yourself,

PS yur solicitor is obliged to tell you you can;t deny access by changing locks etc if it is a jointly owned house. On the other hand if it is yours alone...no problem

SHe has said she will let me know when they go out, I don't have anyone to stay with me. She has also said to call 999 if he gets nasty. I can't change the lock as he still owns half of the house, and he knows it

Plead ignorance. Change the locks (or fit internal bolts) and let him argue the case for being allowed in. Give the police the heads up that he is going to turn nasty on receipt of the letter and tell them you won't be letting him in. No-one is going to insist a frightened woman should leave her home wide open to a potentially violent man.

You can't change the locks but you can add on extra ones ( as you DID see someone loitering outside the other night didn't you!??)

Or 'lose' your keys necessitating a locks change...

I think I do need to speak to the police first. I will call them tomorrow when ds3 goes back to school (has been off ill today)

Speak to your local police - ask to speak to the DV unit - and inform them of your fears, and see what they say about you changing the locks.

When I changed the locks under exactly the same circumstances as you, I did so having been assured by the police that no officer in the land would take forward any complaint about my doing so, given the circumstances.

I still had a person stay over, and an overnight bag at a friends' house who had assured me that I could turn up at any time, day or night.

I understand how frightened you must feel. All I can say from my own experience is that the more the law became involved, the less of a threat my exH became. You are doing the right thing.

Thanks hot. I will ring them tomorrow. I feel a little confused about it all to be honest. Part of me is thinking 'why are you scared of him, its not like he has ever hit you' and the other half is thinking ' he scares me because although he hasn't hit me he has thrown things, punched doors and walls and threatened me. When he gets angry, he has been right up in my face and it felt like he was going to hit me!'

I agree with adding extra internal locks if you aren't suppose to change the locks, also it might be worth discussing obtaining a non molestation order which basically stops your stbxh from approaching you and there is also the option of an occupation order to stop a person coming onto your property, I had to do both against my exH when we separated, but actually getting the courts involved was the best thing I could of done as it gave my exH the huge wake up call he needed to show some respect and tow the line.

Your feelings are completely valid.

However, try not to get consumed by them. Are you sleeping OK?

hot I am to be honest, better than I have for a long time.
I will look into these things tomorrow and speak to the local dv unit