So Unhappy

[Octopus37]

This is my first time posting on here, hope nobody minds. Should prob start by giving you a bit of background, have been with OH for nearly 15 yrs, married for nearly 11, have two DS's, aged 5 and 2. Am a SAHM, but work as a Mystery Shopper for not very much money. OH and I have had quite a lot to cope with during our time together, have both lost parents (years ago), have minimal family support, he has his Mum near by and I struggle with her sometimes, job problems (mainly me but both of us).
At the moment I feel incredibly unhappy as he just isn't there for me emotionally, I feel as if I come bottom of the pile and he doesn't care about my feelings at all. Have been feeling for a long time that we aren't as close as we should be. Last year we upped our mortgage considerably to move to a bigger house (better area, more room for the boys etc) which has had a few hidden ghosts. We differ because OH is quite into doing things to the house and tbh I feel that it is all a bin bane. Luckily have savings (inheritance money, plus guilt money from my Dad, another story), so I do have a bit of financial automony. I hate being so vulnerable, cannot work part time for various reasons, no jobs, practicalities, cost of child care. Have thought about retraining as my career is the biggest failure of my life (unbelievably, given the awful grammer and spelling in this post, haven't had enough sleep, I have got a degree), but too scared to take a risk and know how badly it would impact on family, finances and my self esteem if it went wrong, have failed at things before. However, may look into working for a typing service from home.
I know this is turning into a real waffle, yesterday was my OH's birthday, he had been away for three nights to see his sister in Edinburgh so got a break. I wanted to make things nice, bought him some Halfords vouchers (£30 towards a bike, our oldest DS has just bought a bike and OH has talked about wanted to go on bike rides with him). He basically told me that he wouldn't be able to use the vouchers as he wont be able to get the rest of the money for a bike. Night ruined, I got upset, he didn't understand why I was so upset (feel useless, crap, cheap etc), nearly didn't go out for a meal but went to Weatherspoons. Managed to talk a bit but had a crap night. He wants a more relaxed family life, I just feel pressurised and pent up when I'm in the house, get very stressed with the boys, mess, although trying to do better. A lot on my mind, managed to run up a £128 mobile bill last month talking to my friends (one in particular, woman from school who has become a really close friend has a lot of problems of her own, if male would probably be having an affair by now). Luckily managing to get money together from various means to pay bill off, OH doesn't know cause have seperate bank accounts but would never be so careless.
Know this is very garbled, but in essence need some advice as to how to make our family life better and to learn to love my husband again (at the moment honestly feel so emotionally disconneted from him that I don't think I can go the distance). Know he would never consider marriage couselling, suggeted it years ago when we had a rough patch and he said the problems were all with me. Good job I'm not having an affair or similar if somebody not liking a present I have bought can turn me into the guilty party. Basically need to try and turn into the wife he wants me to be (he denies this), be relaxed, enjoy family life more, be less bothered about work, the future, needing time for myself, more interested in home improvement projects. Sometimes, how I wish I hadn't married at 26 and could start again.

OK you haven't said a lot about your OH but I am getting the impression you are a bit scared of him and that you are constantly walking on eggshells? Is he quite critical of you generally? Do you think he has a bearing in your low self esteem? The whole blaming you for problems in the marriage is a bit of a red flag too. Why did he think it was your fault? And separate bank accounts when you are SAH doesn't sound ideal. How did that come about?

You sound really tired and worn down tbh and in need of a break. Would your OH do that for you?

Sorry for all the questions I'm just trying to get a clearer picture.

Where on earth in that post does the OP indicate that she is scared of her hubby?!

It does sound as if everything is becoming too much, that you are depressed and demoralised - that you feel trapped and on a treadmill.

It sounds as if counselling for you might help, or at least someone will listen. Or keep talking here - there are a number of women who are wise and wonderful.

You do sound as if you have both disconnected and that he is no longer listening to any of your needs. But Abigail is quite right that you sound very tired. Is there anyone close who can help - or can you have a break?

It's just an impression I get, reading between the lines and the fact she didn't tell him about the phone bill because he would never make a mistake like that. Sounds like he never makes mistakes but she does, all the time IYSWIM. And also wanting his approval and "improve" as a wife. He sounds critical and a bit controlling and the OP sounds a bit scared of putting a foot wrong.

But anyway that is why I asked the questions - to get a clearer picture.

Worth keeping in mind change starts with you. To a certain degree you can decide whether OH is reasonable in his behaviour and you can monitor whether your reaction to it and resultant actions are reasonable. You should be respectful of each other and making decisions about most things together. Good communication, respect and trust are essential in every relationship. If you aren't sure if either your or OH actions are reasonable and feel at a loss, it's probably worth talking to your doctor or finding a reputable counsellor.

I am also a bit confused about some of your comments about money and education. There are many ways to both earn money and get an education. It sounds like you feel dependent on him. If you want this to change you will have to take responsibility for changing it. Although you are unlikely to be making much money whilst paying for childcare until kids are in school, PT work may help your self esteem and give you a sense of a light at the end of the tunnel. Alternatively you could look into online courses that you could study at night. Many courses have fee assistance and again it may give you something to work toward. I hated being SAHM, was totally depressed. Went totally against controlling partner and got back to work and much happier. Additionally remember no matter what the outcome you always have a choice. Unhappy mummy = unhappy family and effects the kids. If you are really miserable it may take your husband risking losing you to get him to go to counselling bc relationship issues take two to tango. Good luck.

You sound depressed. The classic negativity, lack of emotional connection to others, feeling stressed and overwhelmed, putting yourself down, are all there. From what you've said, it sounds to me like your DH knows that you're not feeling right and wants that to improve but the way he said it came across very badly.

Would you consider going and having a chat with your GP?

I think you do sound downhearted and depressed. The words you use to describe yourself - scared, useless, crap, vulnerable, pressurised, guilty - are very telling :( The overall tone of your post is quite despondent, and I'm not sure that the root of the problem lies with your husband and his attitude. I think you may need someone other than him to help you with this.

When you feel so down, it's hard to see through the fog and feel that the future can be positive. Many of us have been there and needed some help to come through it. I agree that a chat with your GP would be a good starting point. Please think about it.

Hi sorry to hear you feeling the way you do. I think the suggestions made above are really useful. Definitely see your GP for support/medication and counselling could beneficial. Unfortunately as mums we can get into the trap of feeling useless, etc and feel our husbands/partners not supportive. I think some of the time they don't know how to be - men are from Mars!! I have been through a similar experience. I have found that having girlie nights with my close friends is the best tonic. Also CBT counselling may be good for you as this helped me to stop putting myself down and believing the negatives and start believing in yourself and what you are good at. Good luck hon x

It appears that you have worked out that you need some emotional support and that your H is not the one who is going to provide it. Not all men are good at that. Your description of events does not sound too terrible, but what is telling is the overall negative tone. Your thought processes seem a bit chaotic at the moment- £30 voucher for a bike when the £128 could of easily got you the rest of the bike ? Said you have some savings and financial independence, but not able to buy a bike and needed to find the money for the bill from various sources? Maybe your husband's apparent ungrateful comment is just his way of showing you that he is really struggling with the bigger mortgage? You have become closer to a friend who has "a lot of problems". Sometimes it can feel cathartic to distract ourselves from our own problems by getting involved with someone else's, but it doesn't solve your own issues and in your case has added a large bill and more pressure.
You could try talking to your GP about how you feel or asking them to refer you for counselling/therapy. I'm not saying that your H is blameless, but if you find a way to simplify your emotional state, then your mind may feel clearer to see possible solutions and work out how to communicate with him more effectively.

I think counselling for yourself would be a good idea, you seem very unhappy and elude to a number of reasons

1. feeling of failure for work/study
2. loss of parent
3. relationship with father
4. struggling with 2 lively boys, being a SAHM
5. emotional support from husband
6. feeling that life has passed you by because you married young.

Counselling could really help you to focus on the areas that will help you to feel happy, you have have losses that need to be dealt with, you may feel bored and need outside stimulation (I struggle big time with just the SAHM role), you maybe lonely (can be a factor for SAHMs).

Can you think of one thing that you could do that would make you feel positive? I've been in a similar situation and realise that I was ignoring my own needs as I felt I should be a SAHM and help my husband work. The reality is that it makes me unhappy so I need to change that.

I think the suggestions to talk to your GP are good ones. If you are suffering from a depression, it is very difficult for others to connect to you. Otherwise it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are finding 'life' overwhelming in many respects. It is very easy, when in the kind of situation you describe, to only be able to think of everything that has gone wrong or is disappointing. And once you're in a negative way of thinking, small problems can seem enormous.

Is there anything in your life that you are proud of? Like doing? Makes you smile? Do you ever take time out to count your blessings, smell the roses... pause for a second? My feeling is that families need to have common interests as well as individual pursuits and, even though it is an effort, it is worth setting time aside for that. Couples with small children especially need time together or risk drifting apart. If he likes DIY and you don't, what could you do together that you'd both find fun?

Thank you for all your replies, a lot of what a lot of you are saying has made sense. I know my post was very garbled, obviously I was very upset at the time. I have thought about going to see my GP, but have done CBT and counselling for just me before and wasn't sure how much it would help. On Tuesday morning I did however go and see one of my friends. I had a long chat with her about everything and I later spoke to my OH and told him just how bad I have been feeling. He doesn't want to go for marriage counselling, but has agreed that we need to work at it and take time to talk. Obviously there is a hell of a lot to sort out, but I have also done a couple of practical financial things including changing my mobile phone bill tarrif. Know this doesn't make things ok, but I am going to work at turning things around.

Yes OP you do sound a bit trapped and down.

What about this career thing? Why are to so afraid of failing? Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and do it anyway. Would you husband support you?

"your" husband of course.