domestic abuse in arranged marriage....how common is this?

[ThatVikRinA22]

i am seeking to understand better the problems faced by women in marriages that have been arranged by other parties for what ever reason, and am seeking to understand why some different cultures seem to play down abuse within arranged marriages.

i cannot go into detail but, recent experience seems to suggest that this type of domestic abuse is quite common, yet unreported.

also that abuse is tolerated, and knowledge of abuse is tolerated among family. friends and colleagues within certain cultures, and dealt with "in house" rather than reported.

anyone care to talk to me about it? this comes from a genuine desire to understand and help those with whom i have direct contact with in my job who come forward.

i understand that sometimes its about visas....that women will put up with abuse to secure a visa to stay rather than risk being sent home in shame.

why else do women from some different cultures put up with abuse and why do some men from some cultures think that domestic abuse is acceptable?

enlighten me. i want to understand the issues. it will help me to help others who do come forward and whom i come into contact with.
thanks.

For work reasons (I'm a literacy tutor for both native speakers and for those to whom esl) I'd also like to know this.

But also why many women ofca very low socioeconomic status choose to put up with it. So sad to see the bruises and black eyes in my classes week after week.

Weegiemum, that's do sad! How awful.

*so sad.

Well I know quite a few 'mail-order-brides' if this is any help. The one I know very well who is the mother to my closest friend was essentially 'maritally raped' by her husband until he reached the point he could no longer perform. He was extremely emotionally abusive (eg. One time he cut her fringe very short on purpose and would laugh, saying now she had no fringe and no breasts she really did look like a boy. Getting my friend to join in and laugh while mother cried. typical EA.) I remember as a little girl giggling and teasing my friend because she said she heard her mother say 'no' and her father say 'come on, not even a pinky up the ass?' Obviously being older and not just giggling at the 'scandal' of parents having sex and there, this is extremely sad. :(

Now he is chronically ill and she is his carer, she physically abuses him. I mean n anyway she can. She throws potatoes at him, shakes up coke and sprays him. She screams at him that he ruined her life and why won't he die so she can go back to [home country] and be happy etc.

There are no winners. Especially not my friend. :(

Some cultures have not progressed at the same speed as others. Female emanciption lags so far behind in some parts of the world that misogyny is the accepted norm. Not all that long ago in the UK arranged marriages were pretty common and divorce was so rare as to be non-existent. Even 60 or 70 years ago DV was frowned upon but regarded as 'just one of those things' that went on behind closed doors. Police would call it 'a domestic' and back off. I think marital rape didn't become a recognised crime until as late as the 1990s.

Thats absolutely awful Lurking, so sad

dv is as common in arranged marriages as in non arranged marriages.

dv is as common in this culture as other cultures.

Visa's don't come into it if the women are born here.

Are you specifically talking about migrant women? illegal immigrants? trafficked women?

I'm a bit confused by the question?

It's not to do with whether the marriage is an arranged one or not, it's just that DV is more 'accepted' in some countries than in others, and it's more acceptable in countries that practice marriage arrangement than in countries which don't.

I can cite many, many incidents from the years I spent in Turkey (which practices arranged marriage to a certain extent, although not with the pomp and ceremony of some other countries), but I'll cite two here, to give you the idea.

First, my friend and her Turkish fiance were walking through the local market when they saw a woman with a black eye. My friend wondered aloud how she'd got the black eye, and her fiance said "She must have been bad".

Second, my Turkish friend had a bad burn down the side of her face from when her Turkish husband had held her face over a pan of boiling water (while she was holding their two year old son). She wouldn't go out until it healed. When I said I thought she should go out and show the world what a coward her husband was, she said no, it wouldn't work like that - all the local women would assume she had been a bad wife and would gossip about her.

I'm white british and I married a Pakistani. He was abusive, verbally and mentally with the exception of one occasion where he physically attacked me and I had him arrested- a few months after that he died of cancer, which we never knew he had until the last few weeks.

There is a very traditional culture in Pakistani society whereby rules about position within family are upheld. You bring shame upon your whole family should you step outside of these rules, and therefore 'deserve what you get'. The system places the male as the head of the family and their authority should not be questioned as a matter of respect. Unfortunately, this system is open to abuse.

I would say that the problem with many arranged marriages is that the women feels under family pressure to put up and shut up. Divorce could mean being ostracised from her own family, as she will (in their cultural views) have put shame on them if her marriage fails.

I wouldnt agree that is was as common in unarranged marriages, because people are free to pick the partners that they want to be with, and this gives a better chance of being with someone who they care about and who treats them properly.

Depends what you mean by an arranged marriage - some would describe my marriage as arranged but I met my husband several times, talked in depth on phone/email before making my decision. We are equals in our relationship and happy together.

Thanks for all the generalisations about arranged marriage btw . There have been a few divorces in our family and people weren't ostracised by their families actually. In the past (and in some cultures still) the attitude of bringing shame on the family might exist but certainly not in all cultures in which arranged marriages continue to be the norm.

In my immediate circle of family/friends, there is thankfully no domestic violence. A friend has also been subject to emotional abuse in her marriage but I don't think it would have made any difference if she had been with him beforehand, as is the case for many on here, he changed completely.

I do know of one case of domestic violence where the man came from abroad and was nice as long as his visa lasted, then became violent. It does happen, and needs to be dealt with, but I know many more happy marriages than unhappy ones.

DV exists in every culture, and in every socio-economic class.

However, abuse can happen more easily, and go on unchecked, the more strongly a society reinforces the following messages:

• divorce is a source of shame or a sign of failure.
• marriage and children (at any cost) are the defining sign of social success.
• it's normal to have a dynamic of submission and dominance in marriage.
• you should accept from a spouse what you wouldn't accept from a stranger, because it's "just a domestic".
• your spouse's abusive action must somehow be your responsibility - you drove them to it.

All societies reinforce these messages to a greater or lesser extent.

thanks for the replies. I realise that DV exists in every culture, in every socio-economic class, i deal with so many domestics, - but there seems to be more of an acceptance in some cultures than others. I have done some work with organisations which support asian women, and they say that DV and rape are not reported, in fact in Urdu there is not even a word for 'rape', so if it is mentioned they wont even understand, and things have to be done very carefully, the way support is set up has to be "veiled" under a different guise so as not to put women off from accessing the support.

I am genuinely not generalising, but i wanted to try and understand the issues some women face, and understand why it is allowed to go unchecked so often.

i recently had to deal with a case in which the offender was genuinely shocked and surprised that DV is taken seriously in this country. It led me to want to know more and understand the issues faced by some women.

its very common in pakistani culture I would say. people will say that islam gives women rights etc but the truth is in islam men have a more dominant role. However, I'm not saying the abuse is because of the religion but there is some link there. Its a very patriarchal religion and culture. Also a lot of pakistani men tend to go back home to get married. they think their wives from back home will be more submissive and, to start with anyway, will be economically dependent on them so the men will have more power and control over them. There are so many examples around me who just put up with it. A recent example I came across is a family friend who was bought over from Pakistan. Her husband is a barrister yet has no qualms about beating her and not giving her any money. the only money she gets is the child benefit for two children and she is interrogated about how she spends that too! They live with the in-laws, even though the husband has numerous houses which he rents out. Even the FIL verbally abuses her and has tried to hit her in the past! its just so disgusting! yet he mindset is as such that she won't even think of leaving him, she just said "what can I do? I just have to live with it"

I really think it's down to how strong the social pressure is in a given culture - because that is what normalises the behaviour and reinforces the victim's belief that they are trapped in the situation. Social pressure to be married and remain married, social norms about dominant male and helpmeet female, etc. As I said, those exist in all cultures, but are stronger in some.

Vicar, that happens in this culture as much as in others and in all my long experience of dv, pakistani culture has been the least accepting of it and the police great at doing nothing.

And believe me, many women do not think rape can happen in marriage.

Thanks to everyone spouting lovely generalsations

i am finding a reluctance to report within certain cultures olympic - im not generalising - i have also been working with an asiian womens support service, whether you like it or not, the message im getting from this support network is that when it is happening (and i accept its not happening within every family or marriage by a long way) but where it is happening there are a whole wealth of issues surrounding it and its way more complex than i realised.

i am not judging, i want to understand, and help, i dont want to make things worse, and i am trying my utmost to ensure that the way i handle this is with sensitivity and is victim based.

Simply writing off what im saying as generalising is not helping the victim i am working with at present, and the fact that the agency ive worked with exists proves there is a problem, its how best to address it. Im not doing nothing. Im asking because i want to understand the issues faced by women within certain cultures and how best to help without making things worse.

Vicar, sorry I wasn't implying you were generalising.

It depends entirely on specific's.

So you are working with an asian woman suffering dv in an arranged marriage who is reluctant to "press charges?" because of her families reactions and you want to know if this is usual?

what im saying, badly, - is that as well as all the usual complexities around DV, there seem to be added complexities within certain cultures.

"And wether I like it or not"

What I am saying is the same issues surround every woman not just those from another culture. I have asked you questions to try and understand what issues you are talking about.

I've worked for many years with ethnic minorities so am well aware that dv exists in other cultures. I'm also well aware of the problems I'm just wondering what you are trying to ask.

I'm white british btw before you think I'm from some culture who isn't as developed as yours.

sorry xpost, asia is a large place with many different cultures so what specifically is the issue?

I think you're right "lifeisgood" - I guess it depends how strongly society is a patriarchical one ? I think we'd be kidding ourselves if we thought similar pressures don't exist at all in our own society (if that's a different one than the one OP is discussing)

I do agree that some sections of Pakistani society are very patriarchal, but it is mostly to do with tribal culture in villages in certain areas of Pakistan, where a lot of immigrants originate from. Many educated Pakistanis will not have these attitudes.

Wife beating and domestic violence is very common in British society too, what does that say about respect for women in our own society?

I don't think it is an arranged marriage vs conventional marriage issue. It is a cultural issue which should be separated from arranged marriage.

vicarinatutu i think you sound v aware of the complexities of these situations and the questions are definitely valid - i just don't know if some of the posters are in a position to comment fairly on this issue

Varies from family to family, surely?

My close friend who is Asian is in a (successful) arranged marriage. She was always clear her parents would support her totally if DV occurred-it was a given. They did in fact support a sibling where this happened. That seemed to be the position for almost everyone she knew, but there were exceptions that have shocked her and her husband.

You can't generalise very far, especially when faith communities and social classes vary so widely.