'I'm not looking for a relationship' how to make you feel stupid!!

[ginnyjeans]

so - met a guy had a one night stand about six weeks ago. Funny guy seems really nice, older (51 - looks 40's though). He didnt ask for my number and thought that was that. I was walking to work Friday before last and he pulled right round the block to say hi. Was out in town same night and met up with him. He took my number, we hooked up again. Had fun night. He said he hadn't asked for my number first time around as he didn't think I was interested. I know awful but kind of wasn't bothered. Hes older, lots of ex baggage, had the snip (I might want another) - not right for me. But we have a good time together. anyway, he text me last week. Today got a taxi and half way through journey realised driver was his brother! Chatted and sounded like said guy had been talking a bit about me. Text because of funniness of situation. Then made cheeky tongue in cheek comment about tidying my place fri so he cld come round. He stopped replying!! So sent text saying 'or not! Just teasing'. Ten mins later got the 'I'm sorry but I'm not ready for a relationship' text!!! How presumptuous! Said neither was I just thought we could have a bit of fun but oh well. Honestly. Feel pathetic. Dating/seeing people after divorce.... Utter nightmare.

My experience - when a man says he doesn't want a relationship believe him. It's also been my experience that the more a man cares about a woman, the less he is inclined to tell mates/brothers the details. This sounds like him just bragging about 'getting his leg over' to me.

Sounds like there is some Power Play going on here...it's ok to meet if HE is calling the shots, but not when it's a suggestion from you. Does not bode well for any future relationship, as I think these Power Games just carry on. Take it from someone who had a NSDH playing them for 20 yrs...

I rather like your comment of "how presumptuous!" and wish your reply had been just that.

You're quite right Parsley. He's already trying to set the rules and call the shots which gives him the 'right' (in his mind) to use distance whenever he feels like it in the future. And if OP continues to see him and objects to his rules and distancing, he will remind her "I told you I wasn't looking for a relationship".

OP, honestly I think I'd just write this off as a one night stand, but if you do see him again be sure to keep any expectations that may develop firmly in check.
BTDT with something very similar.

What's BTDT Malory?

Some people do find it necessary to make it clear that they don't want a relationshp because some other people make too many assumptions eg that one snogs makes you the other person's life partner. It's a bit damned if you do and damned if you don't. I suggest just shrugging and moving on in this case, but he's not a supervillain, is he?

No, not a supervillain at all. Wasn't vilifying him. Just was shocked as explained that after a few texts he had suddenly decided I wanted a relationship. I agree with Malorymad that when a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe what he says. But still shocked his guy felt the need to tell me this so early on! He's fifteen years older than me (I'm 36). Seems to me the older guys act just like the younger ones! I was married at 22 to my first boyfriend and until a little over a year ago was very inexperienced with men as had only ever slept with my now ex husband. I just can't get my head around how these guys think!

OTOH solidgoldbrass theres a limited number of women who want to be ONSs only and satisfied with it. So he can't reasonably assume he's not going to upset people by acting in this way...

I hate that "wanting to be friends line". But then I'm not keen on the type of man who claims he wants to have lots and lots of female friends...seems very egotistical to me and not a good bet. Sounds like a very practised line/way of behaving to me.

I know plenty of people of all sexes and genders who are not interested in longterm monogamous relationships, and who think that spending the night with someone doesn't make you that person's partner. However there's no reason to be rude, hostile or panic-stricken if you encounter the person again; being polite and friendly if you meet someone that you had a ONS with doesn't mean that you're actually secretly in love with that person, it just means you're polite and friendly.