playing computer games - now divorce?

[SockySocks]

Hi, WA is very unhappy at present and talks about divorce. Do you think I am much at fault?

We are married for almost 10 years and now have a small baby. She is unhappy that I play computer in the nights when she and baby are sleeping. I would say I play for a maximum of 1.5 hours but do so pretty consistently ever since DD is 4 months. She says that on the weekends I am especially tired and cannot take care of the baby well enough (she stays at home, I am working). Last Saturday I payed until late and slept for 3 hours during the day while she took care of the baby.

Honestly, I think it might have been the straw that broke the camels back. She is really unhappy now. I do understand that I need to cut back at times but find it difficult. I usually leave 7 am and return 7 am in a busy job with no rest (no, no lunch break etc..). When I return I usually do stuff for the family until c.a. 9pm and afterwards have c.a. 1-1.5 hours computer play time.

I do not know whether I could go without this. If I go to bed without this... I just feel like I am living for nothing.

But I do love the two immensely. Is it unreasonable to say 9pm is cut off time? Am I being selfish? In comparaision to her, I am still a slacker. She is only working all the time. I almost never see her having a rest. Since she stays home now - and also previously as she worked fewer hours - she was able to deal with a lot of admin thrown at the family (searching for flats etc). She has more availability to always tackle issues on the front foot while I am lagging behind. Of course I seem to make it worse by playing computer.

She says that if she told anyone that I had been playing so much everyone would think I am not a good husband. Do I need to be a fantastically selfless husband even after 9pm? Honestly, if every day is just grind, then what is the point of living. Any ideas of what to do going forward?

My husband also plays alot of games which makes me unhappy. Not because of the games but because it makes him selfish and his mind is never free to think about other stuff that needs doing or communicating. Maybe try one or two nights a week without playing and instead have a nice meal together or watch a movie together, that way she gets a break too. Life with young children is hard for everyone but not as hard as divorce.

If I go to bed without this... I just feel like I am living for nothing.

This statement is why it's a problem. And believe me, it IS a problem. Your DW has every right to feel pissed off and hurt because you are choosing to put an inanimate game over a real relationship with her. What is she meant to do in this 1.5 hour every night? Go to bed alone? Watch TV? Talk to people on the phone? Generally amuse herself?

It's not fair to expect your partner, who stays home looking after your baby all day, to accept that your reason for living is to play computer games every day. 2-3 times a week, perhaps. But every night? In place of conversation, affection, a genuine interest in being with her as an adult companion not just the other half of a parenting team... yeah, it would piss me off too. And I don't think she is over reacting.

From what you have said I actually wondered whether you have the beginnings (or more) of an addiction to gaming. It's very common, and because it's such a 'harmless' thing to most people many underestimate how damaging such an addiction can be. But to feel you live for nothing without your games... I think you need to look very hard at why you are desperate for this daily fix of escapism, when it clearly is causing a lot of damage to your personal relationships. Not playing every day is not being 'fantastically selfless', it's being normal. You seem to have a very skewed perspective on that front.

Please don't think I'm being mean for the sake of it - having a baby is hard, and unrewarding sometimes, your relationship will undoubtably have changed and all new parents feel exhausted, mentally and physically. Needing to switch off is normal. It's just that you would be much better off finding a way to do that in a way that helps you reconnect with your wife, not just in the total retreat from reality that gaming offers. At the very least, some of the time!! If you really can't see that, then it really is a problem.

"This statement is why it's a problem. And believe me, it IS a problem. Your DW has every right to feel pissed off and hurt because you are choosing to put an inanimate game over a real relationship with her. What is she meant to do in this 1.5 hour every night? Go to bed alone? Watch TV? Talk to people on the phone? Generally amuse herself? "

Did you miss the part where he said he plays when her and the baby are already asleep?

He's also helping out with stuff from 7-9 and working 12 hours a day to bring in money for them. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have an hour or so to do his own thing when his wife and kid are asleep.

I think your DW must be so lonely. She's at home alone with a baby all day and your return means adult company. You have a couple of hours together with the baby but then she goes to bed alone & the baby goes to bed while you sit up playing games. At the weekend you napped for three hours while she's looking after the baby, again solo. I don't disagree with people having down-time or me-time but I think you need to put baby to bed a little earlier during the week so that you and your DW can be a couple for a few hours. I know when I was a new mum, much as I loved my DS, I looked forward to being able to sit down after he had gone to bed and have an hour or two to put being 'mummy' on one side and relax... with another grown-up if posisble.

Limit gaming to one day at the weekend perhaps. And never let her go to bed alone.

"Honestly, if every day is just grind, then what is the point of living."

If you count time spent alone with your DW as 'grind' what was the point of marrying her? "The family that plays together, stays together". Your gaming is a solitary hobby that excludes your partner. What equivalent solitary hobby does your DW have? Find activities outside of looking after your baby & home that you can share. Talk, watch TV, play Scrabble, read books to each other ... doesn't matter

A very odd post by the OP really.

I almost wonder if it is a reverse thread or it could just be that the OPs first language is not English.

I can understand that the OP would need some "downtime" of his own after working 12 hour days, and 1.5hrs at home playing a game really is not that bad, everyone is entitled to a bit of time doing what they enjoy, but that also should include the wife, and I dont see where SHE is getting any time to herself here -without the baby!.

Last Saturday I payed until late and slept for 3 hours during the day while she took care of the baby

That was a bit out of order.. you should really be having 3 hours with your child, while SHE gets some time to do what SHE would like to do...

I also wondered if it was a reverse thread.

I was pretty tired last night when I replied, and maybe didn't respond terribly sensitively. I also assumed the OP doesn't have English as a first language, I don't think it's a reverse thread... anyway, I thought I'd try and explain from the POV of someone who lived with pretty much this exact situation two years ago why it's a big deal.

Firstly, the OP doesn't say his DW is in bed when he plays games, only that he considers 9pm the 'cut off' for the 'daily grind'. A long time before my marriage ran into serious trouble (which many posters will know about as I have posted on that topic a lot, obviously) we struggled with this issue. Over time, I know it's easy to find yourself completely disconnected as a couple, just living in the same house but doing separate things. When my DS was 4mo, my H was out all day and when he was home, he was playing games every night. He said the same thing as OP - he needed to relax/unwind/spend time to himself etc. I tried to understand and accept this, and didn't try to stop him from doing it. However, his actions and statements at that time implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) made me feel like me and DS were just his job. That he got through the things he had to do, including 'helping' with the baby, until he considered it late enough to switch off from us entirely. Once the computer went on, the family ceased to exist. He retreated into a bubble.

OP's post suggests this is exactly how he views his games time. That everything before this is part of the 'daily grind', which includes both the time he spends working and then with his wife and DD. He considers both work and the help he gives at home are him being fantastically selfless. OP if this is you genuinely wanting to understand why your DW is upset, all I can say is... Being seen as part of your partners work time is terribly lonely and draining. You may not realise that your actions/statements suggest this to her, but they do. Before baby, you probably saw time with your DW as down time. Clearly that's shifted to you needing alone time now instead. That's not to say some time to yourself is undeserved, but every night it's bound to make her feel rejected. Taking that time to the extent that you feel fine about sleeping in the day to catch up on lost sleep at the weekend, while your wife and daughter spend that time alone - well, I can empathise with her feeling very sad and hurt by that.

The second thing that's really important about what you're asking (any ideas of where to go forward?) is that it doesn't matter whether other people think an hour and a half is too much, just right, or even not enough time for yourself. Your wife is so upset she's asking about divorce so that is the marker of whether it's a problem. For whatever reason she feels lonely enough, rejected enough, angry enough and sad enough to consider raising your daughter separately from you instead of together, and the reason she is giving you is the time you spend playing games. This is something you can easily change, if you want to. If you don't want to, then she's not really over reacting is she? Everyone in a marriage/relationship needs to feel interesting, important and attractive to their partner. The longer one of you feels less interesting, less important and less attractive than a computer game the bigger this problem is going to get.

You say you play for 1.5 hours a night. I wonder whether that is really true. If you need a 3 hour nap in the day then I'd say it sounds like you are up playing half the night.

But if stopping playing computer games is "like I am living for nothing," then here's what you do. Get divorced, lose your wife and baby, work 12 hours a day and go home to your bedsit and play computer games to your heart's content. Because THAT won't be living for nothing, will it?

I used to play a game on facebook called Cafe World. I spent far too much time on this game, getting up early to cook meals, checking in all through the day to serve food and put more on, and then every evening, trying to meet deadlines etc. The game became a bit of an obsession. I didnt spend hours on it, but I did check it regularly.

While I was doing this, my husband was on facebook playing Pool and stuff in another room. so every evening was spent the same, in the same house, not communicating.

It wasnt like this all the time, only in the last few months when he started to stop communicating with me, got obsessed with facebook and I got drawn into the game and the friends that I met online playing it as it gave me something to do.

When my husband walked out on me, I stopped playing the game and havent touched it since. (He was still playing the Pool game day after day, the last that I could see...). I had asked him if playing the game was a problem and he had said no, but after he walked out he threw it at me that I was on the computer too much. I said what was I supposed to do while you were on the computer, sit and stare at the wall?

So if you value your marriage, switch the computer off, talk to your wife and spend time together at the weekend, go for a walk or something.

Computer games are addictive and a waste of time.

Computer games are not a waste of time. If you do not enjoy playing games then fair enough they are a waste of time for you but many, many people manage to play games without destroying their families in the process.

The OP is clearly using video games as an escape mechanism. Why don't you talk to your wife and find a compromise you are both happy with? You need to create a better balance - together time, time to yourself and time for your wife to relax and do what she likes. You don't have to give up a hobby you enjoy but equally she shouldn't be sidelined and left holding the baby.

You have a wife and child, but if you had to go without gaming you would be living for nothing??? Seriously?? How do you think your wife would feel if you said that to her? That she and the baby you have together basically mean nothing to you?