NIGHTMARE in-laws

[SillySchnook]

Hi everyone - first thread so here we go...

I need some advice/reassurance about my nightmare in-laws. I know it sounds cliched and negative but there's no other way to describe them.

My husband is estranged from his father as he is a liar and very manipulative and hubby got sick of the mind games after spending all of his teenage years trying to please a father who was totally uninterested. This is particularly difficult as his father has a new, young family who I know my husband is desperate to see.

SIL is a vicious individual who reels hubby in with kind, sentimental texts and phone calls and then attacks him for abandoning the family (e.g. moving away for uni and job) and being a 'worthless human being'. MIL is very hot and cold with my husband - sometimes sobbing down the phone baring her soul, other times he gets no more than 'yes' and 'no' in a whole conversation.

My question is how do I help my poor hubby? It's impossible to see someone you love be so hurt and manipulated by anyone but I really don't know if cutting them out is ever a good decision. I know it's not my decision but my husband keeps asking me for advice and I really want to do something to stop this negative spiral at the moment. I have a really wonderful family so I feel that as much as I've been through this with my husband, I can never understand how it feels for him completely and I feel so selfish when it upsets me.

Anyone had similar experiences or could offer advice?
Is it ever a positive step to cut family out of your life? Are family relationships an unconditional tie no matter how you treat each other?

Thanks :)

Take a look at the Stately Homes thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1393943-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families and get your dh to read it too.

It can be an immensely lberating act of kindness to yourself to cut the ties that bind you to folk that you woud never have chosen as friends.

Although we are conditioned to making more allowances for dysfunctional family members than any non-related pitas we encounter, this doesn't mean that we should regard ourselves as duty bound to put up with prolonged and/or profound lack of respect and consideration from our 'nearest and dearest', or that we should feel any guilt if we reach the conclusion that enough is enough and cease to interact with them.

It may be that your dh would benefit from counselling to help him process the way in which his childhood has impacted on his pscyhe and enable him to put appropriate boundaries in place for his own protection.

Failing which, I would suggest that you continue to provide a sympathetic ear and assure him that you'll back him in whatever he decides in respect of his life-sapping relations.

You could read "Toxic In-Laws" for advice tailored for the spouses of people with dysfunctional families of origin.

Your husband might get some good pointers from the book "Toxic Parents" by the same author (Susan Forward), since he's looking for advice.

This is such useful advice - thanks to both of you I am very grateful and will look into both suggestions xxx

tangerinefeathers this is a really interesting perspective - I've previously discussed this with DH and suggested we cant expect his parents to change and rather we need to maybe have a lower expectation of what IS there rather than expecting too much and getting nothing.

I know we have learned so much from this for our own family which, you're right, is incredibly liberating and empowering.

Thanks :)