Son not sleeping since dad left

[betterdeadthanwed]

I threw dad out last weekend after he had an affair, keeps telling kids he's got a new job and working away but son has stopping sleeping. Dad phones every night, and I don't answer the phone as I can't cope with begging. I'm struggling anyway by myself but with constant questions its hard. I lie awake most nights and now son comes into my room at about 2 ish. I'm too tired to put him in his own bed. I have so many issues anyway but this is one that adds extra burden.

I have no experience on this, but wouldn't it be nice for your son to speak to Dad every night? How old is he? Let him have a cuddle with you at 2am - he'll need the security and comfort.

thanks you so much. My son (4) speaks to dad but I don't, oldest 6 answer phone and kids all take turns but I don't. At 2 a.m. We do cuddle and talk, his bags under his eyes are bigger than mine. He looks pale and very dark bags under eyes. We cuddle and sometimes talk, even laugh, but no sleep. Do I go to the doctor or is it too early. Also, trying to explain to doctor why dad gone stresses me

I think you have to be honest with the children rather than lying about where Dad is and why. Children are not stupid, they notice when things are wrong, and it'll be the mismatch between the story, their Dad's manner on the phone and the changes in your behaviour that will be worrying your DS. Without the information, he'll make up a story to explain what's going one. Have the courage to tell them the age appropriate truth and I think they'll be less anxious.

thanks I certainly think my daughter is aware that dad is not just working away. Son is younger, he plays all sports with his dad and I'm not sure how he'll cope, when we play he says "dad plays this game better than you", which crushes. I know I have loads of issues that need sorting and I don't know where to start that is why son's sleep seems easy place to start so I don't have to face such issues as what to tell the kids, and the possible upcoming battles. maybe I'm trying to ignore other issues at the moment as I imagine its going to get ugly. Any advice on son?

I agree that you should be honest with them about the fact that their daddy will be living somewhere else now. I know that won't be easy but children can be amazingly matter of fact, and probably struggle more when they think something is being kept from them.

Don't worry about your son getting in your bed in the night - loads of DC do that anyway - if it helps him to get some comfort then it's not doing anyone any harm . I would try and get him in the habit of a quick cuddle then sleep rather than chatting at two am though .

Do you have any (sporty) friends or family you could make an extra bit of effort to see sometimes if he's into doing sporty stuff and you're not that way inclined yourself? It would do you all good to try and get out and see people a bit anyway. And try to look after yourself - surround yourself as much as you can with friends and family who you can have a good moan to.

You've got to be honest. Children's imaginations run riot in the absence of hard facts. He may be thinking anything at all ... even that Dad's actually dead and telephoning from heaven (you'd be surprised). He could be in your bed because he can see you're upset & not sleeping and he's trying to comfort you. Some are very empathetic and feel responsible for their parents' happiness. All kinds of things could be going on in his head, preventing him from sleeping. Has he seen his Dad since he left yet?....

sorry if I appear negative, I am trying, I tried last night, quick cuddle and then asked him to turn over and sleep but he just kept talking about his dad, even when he was facing the other way he just kept on, asked him to be quiet and try to sleep about a million times. I also know may need to be stricter and cuddle then back to his own room, but I'm lonely as well, also, seem too tired to cope. I am scared of what he'll do if I tell him dad is not coming home, sort of taking away his hope and dreams.

Nothing wrong with letting him stay in your room - apart from the fact that it's leaving you exhausted. I suppose as it's all so fresh you do need to just let him talk when he wants to.

Maybe don't say that 'daddy's not coming home' - word it like 'daddy's going to be living in another house now' and that he's still going to be around for him to talk to whenever he wants to and that he will still see him lots. Has your soon to be ex seen the children since he left? I know it will be hard for you, but, especially as you son is struggling with it all, it would be good for him to be able to actually see that his dad is still around by trying to sort out some regular visits. If you can't face seeing him yet, could you ask a friend or relative to be in the house when your ex visits, so you can go out for a couple of hours while he's there?

He wants to talk about his Dad and that's totally normal. You not talking about Dad is not normal. To a child it means 'something is terribly wrong with Dad that she's not telling me' and he will think the worst. You need to be honest that Dad is living somewhere else but that he'll be around on such-a-day to see DS and the others. It's upsetting but keeping quiet isn't helping.

One of the features of coping as a lone parent, I think, is that you sometimes have to ask your children to work with you as a team and treat them more as equals, rather than take all the burden on your own shoulders in an attempt to shield them

The only advice I can offer is please don't imagine your DS will react to the news the way that you have. I know it's hard to see now, but the fact that you feel like your hope and dreams for your future have been shattered by a selfish git who had an affair doesn't mean your son will see it that way. If he has some clear simple facts to make sense of things, he will cope far, far better and adjust really fast.

I know this for sure because my STBXH did this to me and my son about 5 months ago, I'm pregnant and it was a terrible shock. I've had to move house and move DS into a new nursery etc - its all been very stressful for me, and to a certain extent for DS. But he settled remarkably well and I'm sure this is just because I told him where he stands without trying to explain away what's happened. My DS is a little younger than yours, but I still don't think you can underestimate the value of giving a simple answer to a simple question for children.

With that in mind, I'd try and prepare a few answers, that you can repeat as many times as needed, until your son feels secure that things aren't going to keep changing. I don't know what he asks you about most, but I'd imagine a few good things to keep saying would be a) Daddy lives at x house now. b) You will see Daddy at .... [insert relevant time] which is x sleeps away from now. c) Mummy and Daddy love you all very much and it's ok to be sad and cross that he doesn't live here any more, and finally d) (only really needed if you think he's worried about how you're coping, or has seen you cry and be upset) Mummy is sad sometimes too but it's not your fault. Shall we have a cuddle together to make us both cheer up?

So sorry you have to cope with such a shock. x

Do you let him talk about his dad during the day? He's obviously desparate to! I know it's horrible but you need to have a talk with him about the situation, in terms that he can understand. And tell the truth, as much as you can, so Daddy is not working away, he's left.

My DS is 4 too and when exP left we (we both sat down and talked to him, about a week after exP initially left, when the affair was discovered) told him that Daddy was not going to live with us any more but that he'd still see lots of him, that we both still loved him very much etc etc. We tried, as much as possible, to present it as things changing, but not necessarily for the worse (you really need to keep your own feelings out of it for that to work!)

DS has woken in the night upset a few times. I did let him ring exP once, at 4am as it was the only way he would go back to sleep. I figured that if I had to be up at 4am listening to our crying child, then so did exP! Other times, I've sat with him while he goes back to sleep, or once I went to get the phone and by the time I came back, he'd gone to sleep...

To be honest, I don't think you can separate out "other issues" from your son sleeping. If he's feeling anxious and stressed about what's happening during the day, it's going to come out during the night.

Sorry you are going through this too, it really does suck.

all brilliant advice, it seems so unfair that I have to put up with the crap despite doing nothing wrong apart from marrying an .....I do let him talk about his dad.
Borntofolk, oh god so right. I know that I will have to sit the kids down and explain, I do know that he needs to talk about it. I haven't done things like take all dad's photo's down although it hurts to see them as I know kids, especially eldest would twig immediately. Chocoraisin, god I thought I was in a crap situation.
Should I see doctor about myself first, low, tired, sleeping badly, don't want sleeping tablets as I need to be aware as only carer now.
So many issues, am I being selfish to see the doctor about myself first?

SO far all advice is brilliant and I find myself nodding and agreeing, its knowing where to start and what to say.

It's definitely not selfish to see the doctor about yourself - you are the primary carer for your children, so by looking after yourself, you are looking after them.

The doctor may be able to give you some antidepressants or something, which might help you sleep without knocking you senseless

badtasteflump and every other, seeing doctor this afternoon, boy I'm scared. Thanks for advice everyone.

I hope it goes ok. Just tell the truth, but in a nice way, even if it's really hard, so 'Daddy's going to live somewhere else now, but you will speak to hiim on X and see him on Y'. Repeat as necessary. My two found it quite hard when my husband started working away, and there were a few disrupted nights, the odd cuddle in bed for a few nights is fine, although (and this is just my personal choice), I don't now regularly have them in the bed every night, just every now and again for a treat as otherwise I would lose too much sleep!

When I kicked out ex, I told him what was happening right away and did sleep with him for the first few nights.

I kept reassuring him that he was loved by all, and managed to remain civil with ex the first days, before he went really nasty in front of DS.

Regardless, he has been fine.

Children adapt, but yours may well be reflecting how you feel.

So, make sure you take care of yourself and pick yourself up, even if you have to take antidepressants.

Tell ex that you are going to tell them the truth (that you are separating). He might want to join you or not.
I know you hurt right now, but the children are worth it.

Thanks everyone for brilliant advice. Argued on phone with ex as he still felt we had a chance still as a couple and so thought not a good idea to tell kids that dad had moved out. I decided that kids needed to know. As expected 6 year old knew dad and I not 'friends', 4 year old cried loads and loads, but actually got some sleep. Crashed on settee while watching telly, but still not sleeping at night. Youngest (2) asked about her dolls. Doctors appointment soon, nervous about having to talk to doctor about stress, but thanks to everyone I now feel I've got some control back. EX, that seems strange saying 'ex', still phones and kids talk to him. 6 year old said "I know" when I told her I loved her. He wants kids at his mothers on Saturday but not sure if he is still with girl-friend or not. Don't want kids at his mothers if any possibility that "slg-btch" will be there. Should I insist that "slg-Btch" not to see kids?

I think you're entitled to tell him that the children are confused and upset enough without him introducing a new woman into the picture. Besides which, is Saturday convenient for you? Did you have plans? This is the time to put what you want and what is best for the children top priority. Start as you mean to go on. His wishes come a very poor third place.

"Should I insist that "slg-Btch" not to see kids?"

I've said that "my" slg-btch does not see DS. I don't want him to even hear her name or know of her existence. I can't imagine changing my mind on that any time soon.

My feelings are that DS needs to see his dad. He needs to have a good relationship with him in order to grow up healthy and happy. He does not need to see that woman. It would confuse him and he'd get nothing of out it, so he's not seeing her.

Do you get on with your exMIL? Perhaps have a word with her to explain your concerns about DCs seeing the OW?

My ex is currently living with his parents so DS stays overnight there sometimes. It's actually a pretty good solution as it's a familiar place for DS and he gets to see his grandparents more than he usually does (and they spoil him!) so that situation can work out quite well.

However, it's very early days and especially as your DS is not sleeping well, I think you are entitled to say no if you feel it's not in their best interests.

Borntofolk, just found out through my six year old, kids were at grandparents for visit and he turned up with "slg-btch" he asked kids not to tell me. six year old let it slip that dad's friend has nice hair. I've hit the roof, now getting angrier, at what a complete sh*t he's being. As he is not listening should I speak to grandparent, or should I just get nasty and refuse visits, but like you kids love grandparents, they get spoilt and it is a familiar place. Am I becoming so bitter that I have started using kids or am I justified?

4 year old hardly spelt last night, very very unsettled. I'm so angry and tired.

You need to talk to your ex & tell him you're uncomfortable with him asking your children to lie. I know the whole OW thing is very painful and you'd probably prefer it if she didn't exist but, realistically, she does and, if they are a couple, your children will meet her at some point or other. At least he called her a 'friend' and not something more loaded like girlfriend or partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes, it was asking the children to lie that hurt the most. I guess I'm annoyed with myself as I went against my gut instinct to trust him. I'm also hurt that he suggested that I don't tell the children that he'd moved out yet, yet he turns up a few days later with her in tow. Should I tell grandparents how angry I am? I feel that he will listen to them more than he listens to me.

Spoke to grandparents last night, they were annoyed and embarrassed when ex turned up with "slg-btch" and they have told him that it will not happen again. As I said he'll listen to them more than me. I have started using text to communicate with ex as I can't stand speaking to him, kids still talk to him every night. How often should he see kids as grandparents, I think twice a week is enough, does that sound okay to others, Wednesday night and Saturday, both at grandparents