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Original poster

Raging rant about domestic violence and helplessness

12 replies

Caligula · 27/02/2006 10:36

I just have to rant at someone, I'm so furious and I can't even be bothered to change my name for this. My mother has just called me crying because my brother (who is 30 and lives with her - loooooooser) is ranting around the house scaring her.

I have had this conversation with her a million times, phone the police, throw him out, stop doing his laundry, stop taking responsibility for his behaviour, stop infantilising him, stop being a lousy mother by making him an unsuitable mate for any decent woman.

She doesn't listen because this learned helplessness is a repeat of behaviour patterns she learned as a child and a wife and it's what she's used to. But when she phones me up to try and get me involved, it really pisses me off. I know this sounds unsympathetic, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and who is afraid to let go of destructive behaviour patterns because that's all they know. I can't help her and it just totally frustrates me that she's interrupted my work and ruined my morning by inflicting this information on me that there's nothing I can do about. I know that sounds horrible and I'm sure a lot of people would be shocked by how unsympathetic I am, but I've heard this crap for years and I can't do anything about it. I just told her to phone the police, which I know she would never do. Angry

Vent vent vent vent vent.

OP posts:
colditz · 27/02/2006 10:38

What would happen if you rang the police for her and told them what is going on? Or went round there, felt threatened and rang the police then? There is not a lot she can do to protect him if it is you making the complaint.

Original poster
Caligula · 27/02/2006 10:40

That did cross my mind Colditz, but she'd go mad. Honestly, she'd be really angry with me.

And the rest of my family would think I were mad as well, because they don't take it seriously. They'd think I was going OTT and being hysterical.

OP posts:
FairyMum · 27/02/2006 10:42

I have a friend who is a victim of domestic violence and it's so difficult to understand why someone doesn't walk away. One day he breaks her nose, the next day he is just so "sweeet". After a few years it is really getting to me too. Like you, I don't want to hear anymore about it. I almost think she wants to be a victim. I don't know. It must be so much harder when it's actually your own family.
Have you tried victim support? They have been of some help to my friend.

cod · 27/02/2006 10:44

my GOD i am with you
what is it wiht these women?

we have them in court
one sticks in my ins

subejcted to a 2 hour assault

hid in bushes
in hospital fro weeks

but loves him adn "hes not a bad man"
ANd he had dont it before
AND GET THIS

after hte assault her made her make him somethign to eat ffs!!!!

lemonstartree · 27/02/2006 10:46

you have my sympathy. My brother (almost 40) is married with 5 children but he feelsthe need periodically to verbally abuse our mother. He shouts and swears at her, threatens to cut himself and the grandchildren off from her and generally insults and upsets her. Reasons are trivial
he used to do it to me too. but now he just shuts himself off from me.

he is a bully, a vicious baressive bully, but like you I have to put up with my mother weeping dowm the phone about how horrible hes been because she just takes it. she wont/cant stand up to him and it makes me VERY mad too

sorry to hijack - no good advice expect to say you dont want to hear it any more.....

Original poster
Caligula · 27/02/2006 10:55

I've decided to tell her that if she ever phones me again to tell me something like this is going on, I will phone the police. And I'll tell my brothers and sister that that's what I'll do as well.

Then she'll either not phone me, or at least she'll know that I'll be phoning the police.

I'll probably be arrested for wasting police time! Grin Angry

OP posts:
Marina · 27/02/2006 11:07

I think the conclusion you've come to is a wise one caligula.
When you said she'd be angry with you for phoning the police, would she be angrier with you than you now are with her?
Does she ever ring the other siblings who would see your response as OTT? If not, I wonder why not...I guess you are the one working at home and therefore, in her eyes, "available".
I don't think you are unsympathetic at all fwiw.

doormat · 27/02/2006 11:11

cant blame you at all caligula
some people just have to find out themselves the hardway
you must be sick of listening to it

vitomum · 27/02/2006 11:14

FWIW i do not think you sound horrible at all. you obviously understand what is behind this pattern of behaviour and have tried to provide her with strategies to change and break the cycle. however, it is sooooooo frustrating trying to help someone who is not ready to change. she wants to vent at you because taht will help her to cope with the situation but she doesn't actually want any help from you that will assist her to CHANGE the situation. i was also in a situation for a long time of trying to help someone leave an abusive ealtionship. in the end i realised all i was doimg was enabling her to cope with it because she only allowed me to help her on her terms. i eventually had to withdraw. if she ever really does want out i will be there 100% but untill then i was not willing just to hang around being someone for her to sound off at. it seemed harsh but in some ways i felt my continued involvement was almost helping her to stay (as well as being totally stressful for me). maybe you could say to your mother that this topic is off limits until she is willing to try and make changes.

Kathlean · 27/02/2006 11:41

Caligula I know where you are coming from and I understand exactly why you are unsympathetic.

I went around to my sisters. She asked for £5 so that she could buy bread and milk to feed her kids on Monday morning when they come back from their dads. In the next breath she is telling me how her live in boyfriend bought cocaine on Friday evening for them to do.

Now it may seem harsh the the children go without food but why should I part with my money because she wanted a hit rather than saving money for feeding her kids.

Again the same as you this has been going on for years. She got pregnant at 15, has 5 kids by 5 fathers, mu mum had custody of the eldest 2 from the ages of 3 and 11 months, has never worked, violent relationships etc.

She is over 30 now and I have helped and put up with her crap since she first got pregnant. It's not my job and I do not do it any more. I have my own child and I'm sorry but I won't take her to A&E any more and I won't lend her money for this and that.

Oh and she gets upset when I tell her like it is that there is no way I would let my DS stay in her house without me or my mum because of all the violence etc that happens.

Original poster
Caligula · 27/02/2006 14:22

Have calmed down now.

She phoned me about an hour ago and didn't mention it, acted like everything was completely normal.

People like this are like vampires, draining energy from other people.

Vitomum your post is very helpful - I think she's choosing to offload on me because no-one else will listen to her. But I don't want to listen to her either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Caligula · 27/02/2006 14:23

Am now more irritated by David Cameron than my mum

OP posts:
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