9month old son, feeling very lonely - DH is policeman

[benne81]

Hi

Don't really know why I'm writing on here. Maybe its because it is the end of a very long weekend.

My DH is in met police and has had loads of weekends cancelled (olympics etc) and in the next few months we will probably only have a few weekends together. He works late everyday and I just don't really see him. I know that he is working hard and providing for me and DS but the knock on effect is that I am very lonely.

I am the first to have a bbay out of my close friends and any baby mum friends I have made are spending time with their family at weekends. I have no family close, which means I have to stay in and babysit so I can't go out. I have basically just spent the entire weekend on my own with DS and although I love him to pieces I am feeling pretty bored and a bit down. I used to be quite ongoing and I would always be out for drinks but now its just not possible.

On top of that my relationship with DH is really strained. He is a great dad but he is always working and I just feel unsupported. I know its not his fault but I can't help but take it out on him & we are now always bickering. In fact he now really irritates me - he always seems to find fault with things I done ie. washing up not done when he came in last night (DS is teething and was a nightmare yesterday, I just couldn't put him down, I had managed to make two stews though!). He is a total perfectionist when it comes to housework - It could just be me being overly sensitive though.

I was never and will never be a domestic goddess, I had a good career and I'm going back to work in 6 weeks - which I think will be good for everyone. I'm just lonely and craving a bit more support, but i know it is just going to get worse over the next few months.

Ahhh - any other policemans wifes out there who can give me advice? Or anyone who can give me a bit of a pep talk?

I could of written ur post regarding perfectionist hubby about housework, and feeling like he just irritates u. My dd is also 9 months. Only difference is I would of loved it for hubby to be working so late and weekends .
But i posted on here a little while back as hubby was saying he felt like he was in the way, and u didn't seem to pay him any attention anymore. The general consensus was he needed to pull his weight more, on order for me to have more time for him. And I just had to play nice! And it worked in the way that I get more help, and I like him more!!
Obviously u cant control His working patterns. Can u find other things u can do with ds, lunch with a friend, baby groups, so u dont just feel Like it's u and ds?! Im sure once ur back at work this will all settle. I'm back next week and dreading it xx

Hi there, I totally sympathise with you as I am the same as you but have been doing it for 9 years now. It doesn't really get any better if he works shifts. All your friends with husbands ith 9-5 jobs will be off the weekends when you are all alone with the baby. It is very lonely. I decided I had enough and moved miles away to the coast, at least when I am on my own while hubby at work we have loads to do. I am not saying do what I did as its not been easy, you end up doing lots on your own with the little one and not being a proper family. Has your hubby looked at doing a 9-5 office type job in the met or is he like mine and a bit macho and office jobs are for wimps!!!! Lots of husbands who want to do their bit and see their familys do eventually get a 9 - 5 job or they end up with no wife and no family. You do get used to it but its not ideal I know. You may feel a bit better when you go back to work.

You are right that you will probably feel alot better when you get back to work and get some adult input in your life as you are feeling very isolated.
How many hours a week does DH work? Does he realise when you go back to work he will need to do his share of housekeeping and childcare?

You really need to communicate to him the difference a baby makes to both of your lifestyles, do you think because you have had maternity leave he thinks you have been on holiday?

A mum and baby group saved my frazzled mind. That, and realised that I wasn't a stepford wife! I have also left my DH with my DS and gone to the pub with my friends. There is a life out there for you, I promise xxxxx

I loved being off on maternity leave and didn't want to go back, I went back for 3 years and now I am on a career break(grin) no money and DH always going on about money me not working I have developed very selective hearing these days and turned into a teenager What Ever, not very adult I know will go back at some point hahaha.

My husband isn't in the met but is an A&E doc so works horrible shifts. I'm in the same boat with regards to friends too. I've worked hard to go to lots of mother and baby groups to meet some other Mums I'd socialise with. It's really hard but you have to put yourself out there.

I find weekends the hardest. I've booked baby swim on a Sunday to give us something to do. Could you do something like that?

Where in London are you?

Can you become friendly with partners of his shift colleagues? My DH was in the same position and is best buddies with my colleagues' partners. They all get together when we are working long crappy shifts.

Hi everyone thhanks for the responses. DH came home this evening, two hours late but with a massive bunch of flowers which has really cheered me up as he is listening to me. DH is very good at housework & cooking etc (far better than me) and when he is here he definitly pulls his weight - its just his abscence I find difficult. I think i just needed a moan and a kick up the bum!

good glad he has thought about you, they do go off in their own little worlds and get a bit hardened to things and forget who hilds everything together. I used to leave him and go and stay with my sister or my mum sometimes that usually did the trick

Facecrack - weeknds definietly are the hardest, booking baby swimming for the weekend is a good idea, its so easy sometimes to just stay in and wallow in self pity. I'm definitly going to be more proactive from now on.

Yes definately book something. Or I organise a play date in the park - anything really. It's such a blooming long stretch and I miss adult company so badly sometimes. I have become one of those mums who chats to anyone in the park!

Oh and glad to hear you feel appreciated and listened to now.

weekends are horrid aren't they. My DH doesn't often work weekends but does have a hobby which takes him out of the house one day most weekends (with my agreement as he'd be vile with no time to himself) we're also doing tons of work on the house/garden and I'm not must use except as childcare (2yr old and also 8 months pregnant). I hate that pretty much everyone I know seems to be busy doing couple/family stuff all weekend and whilst DD and I have a full social life in the week weekends we are pretty lonely

My husband isn't a policeman but he is a nurse and works lots of weekends, all weekend. So I can Definately empathise with you. I have two dcs and although I have made mum friendsd, like you said they are all doing family things on the weekends, soi never even want to ask.
Basically the way I get through it is by getting out each day, so that there is a it of structure. Factor in a nap, then it's a bit of quite time, then before you know it it's tea, bath bed etc... Bit boring but some days I just love it when it's just me and the dcs, we are a close little team.

what's a weekend?
hubby is with Merseyside... also cancelled rest days all over the place and silly shifts... the police have no concern for families now.
so very much with you. I've not managed to get back to work due to the lack of support I get. I have 2 dc, one has behavioural development problems
I do think I'd be better off on my own sometimes

Hi Benne, I am in your boat but I am also one myself. It's very hard being on the outside looking in. When I was on maternity leave in a way I forgot how 'the job' worked. I resented how DH never came home on time, had his shifts changed from earlies to lates to double shifts etc etc.

Going back to work reality hit me very quickly to the point i dread work now as at anytime my shifts can be changed and no one gives a stuff about your childcare or your family at home. Our job is the root cause of so many pointless rows in my house. I went into work at 6am on Wednesday and was not allowed to leave until 3am Thursday due to a critical incident. It wasn't my choice, i had no choice, and wanted nothing more than to go home to DD & DH, unfortunately In our work this isn't an option.

This Olympic shift pattern is horrendous, myself and DH have only 3 days off together between now and mid Sept. he's missing DDs 2nd Birthday and I'm missing his.

I find it beyond unreasonable that we are not allowed to take time off, I am dreading the next few months. Anyone that tells you he has to start pulling his weight, that he can't do this has not got a clue. As officers we have NO CHOICE. We go in when told and leave when permitted, often going many many hours without a real break. We can be messed about at anytime. Trust me, your DH is suffering and hating it just as much as you. I don't know any officer who doesn't open his email and groan when they see yet another Aid warning with a shift change, working on a rest day with an extended tour. No doubt quickly followed by the sinking feeling knowing the grief that it will cause at home and impending argument!!! My DH came home once when DD was 3 months and was in tears about how much he was missing out. At the time he was in TSG & was never home. Thankfully he moved but is now in a very specialist unit and will b very busy over the next few months due to only few officers in his unit.

I promise you, when you go back to work things will get easier, you will have something to keep you busy. On your days off plan things, for example, play gym, swimming, library groups etc. These make my days go so much quicker when he's working and i really feel DD gets so much out of them.

Also please try and understand how frustrating and hard things are on your DH at the moment, I very much doubt that he wants to be doing the long hours and shift changes and missing out on family time. At the end of the day he is probably having a pretty bad time at work and it is totally out of his control.

Try and stay strong for the next few months, get him to put in some leave at the end of the Olympic period, even if it's just a week, plan some family time, have something to forward to. This is what we have done & I can't wait!!!

Hey Benne81, another vote for baby swimming. If you're in SE London, Peckham Pulse has excellent sessions in the hydrotherapy pool. Toasty warm! I'm a single mum who works full time, so weekends, while precious, can also seem a little lonely at times. Always looking for new mum friends...

I am another met police wife op, and to add to the Olympic shift pattern nightmare, my dh is also training for an ironman triathlon - hence when he is here, he's off on a bloody 4 hour bike ride! I think going back to work will be good for you - I really like my 3 day weekends with ds. Also my ds is 2.5 yrs now and we can go out on trips etc so the time on our own goes quicker. So hang on in there op

Hi benne - do you know, a while ago I was thinking of writing a post just like yours because I am DREADING this summer too. DP is in the police too, so the Olympic shifts start in a fortnight, and then the next bloody week after they finally finish I will be going back to work f/t (DD is 5mo at the moment). The weekends are always the worst because everyone else seems to have their DP at home and they do lovely family things. It is very lonely. I'll be saving the swimming and also the library visits and the like for the weekends.

Re the housework, sorry to reel out the old MN favourite but can you get a cleaner to save time for you and your DH to spend together?

Nights out - you say you are going back to work, so do you have childcare sorted already? If so, is there anyone at the nursery who could do some babysitting (or your childminder)? It sounds as if you could do with a night out. We've used a babysitter from childcare.co.uk, a registered childminder from our town, we went out after DD was settled for the night and it all went well.

Whereabouts are you? Maybe we should start finding people in our local towns who are going to be bored and lonely thanks to the joy of the Olympics, we could start weekend mums and baby groups!

(Cruze - wise words. I'll admit I do take things out on DP when of course its not his fault. Its always good to be reminded that while you are at home bored and lonely, you are at least a) with the baby and b) not working!)

If anyone is in West London I hve a long and lonely weekend coming up...

DH is a policeman, although not in the met. I understand your frustration..... although we have escap[ed from the worst of the olympics stuff.
I think it helps to get some friends/ support just for you. I would steer clear of other police people though. although DH has work friends they are not my friends iyswim. Im a bit luckier though that my friends are from my job and from school but I think you have to start thinking about YOUR social life rather than it revolving around his work.
I'm also lucky that a few yrs ago DH took some unpaid leave to be a SAHdad. he went from being a housework perfectionist (is ex forces too) to someone who doesnt mind if the house is a bit of a shit tip. I think he finally realised what hard work children are 24/7.

I like to think about it being my time when he is on lates/ nights. so I get to have a glass of wine or something I like for tea once boys are in bed. I then get to watch crappy telly like true blood/ have a long soak in the bath without anyone pestering me. Then it turns from being a pITA to being a treat for me. not sure if that makes sense!

take care

Hi there

I am not a mum but my good neighbour who is tells me of a website called Maida Vale Mums if you are near there. Take a look to see what is happening xx

You know there are probably lots of Mummies near by who are in a similar situation regarding weekends. My DH/STBXH (just trying to figure out which at the moment!) is also in the Met and I also find weekends a nightmare. My DD is now 2 and over the last couple of years I have managed to find a nice group of Mum's who all have H's with various weekend commitments (one works on a market, one is a budding director so is always at rehersals) and they are just as desperate to do things with other Mum's at the weekend as I am. Let people know your situation as you may be surprised who else is in a similar situation.

One real advantage we did find to shift work though is days off during the week. When your little one is old enough for farm visits and soft play you will find that they are so much quieter during the week and often cheaper. If you're not working full time (sorry i don't think you said) days out as a family during the week are lovely!

I am also dreading the Olympics as DH/STBXH works in Newham (so Olympic borough) and is currently not living with us so only comes to see DD on his days off so that's the only time I get a real break. Days off a going to be a rarity the next couple of months.....

Severofnine your description of late turn activities is so true! Crack out the vino, crappy tv - love it! Looking forward to two coming up this week!

Dh is doing some training at Hendon also this week for what he's actually doing at the Olympic park, so hopefully we'll have a better idea of how the summer will pan out.

Hi benne ,

I actually have this from the other way round - Dh has retired and is sahm dad, whilst I am a met officer being TOLD I am working all the hours round the clock for the next 2 months . To the point that for the 3 weeks of the actual games , I'm not coming home . At all . To say I'm pissed off is an understatement , and the thought of leaving DH to it , really grieves me . He's perfectly capable, and doesn't begrudge being left to it , but I bloody well do. He's probably as pissed off as you are.

I too can be a bit perfectionist about house stuff , and have had to learn to grit my teeth about some things , and accept that he has different methods to me. As long as it gets done in the end , so be it. As someone else said , all I can do, is book a bloody long break in October. I do sympathise with you though . I think all we can all do is grit our teeth , and then think "thank fuck that's over " .