Is this abusive behaviour from DH to DS??

[angelicstar]

Hi

I would appreciate your opinions on a incident that happened today.

I have a lovely but naughty 2 year old DS. We were sitting in the living room this evening when he picked up my husbands glass of drink. I told him to give it it back but he looked at me with a smile and proceeded to tip the glass out all over the sofa - ok annoying but probably typical 2 year old behaviour.

Anyway DH comes storming over and says right - picks up DS and plonks him and holds him down in the puddle of drink until his trousers are soaking. Apparently this is to "teach him" not to do it again.

I told DH that this is not acceptable treatment of a 2 year old but he doesn't seem to understand this and thinks that this cruel behaviour would have taught our DS something.

Surely this is not normal behaviour towards a 2 year old is it??

No it's ridiculous nasty behaviour and doesn't teach your poor DS anything. I do think your DS should have had a consequence for what he did (perhaps sitting outside the room until the couch had been cleaned up) but your DH acted in anger. What was your DS's reaction to what he did?

Is he just 2 or nearer to 3?
If he is a young 2 year old then he wont understand the connection between DH doing that and what he had just done. If a child doesnt understand then I think its cruel and also ineffective.
However if he is nearer to 3 then he will start to understand there is a consequence to actions.Personally I dont like the idea of holding him in a wet patch,seems a childish respones from the adult.But a firm no and removal from the room would have made the point that this was unacceptable behaviour.

Of course a 2 year old wouldn't understand. Sounds like something that could escalate as he gets older. I'd be concerned tbh. I agree with Cailin

I would have given DS a cloth and made him 'clear up', you'd still have to do it yourself afterwards but it teaches natural consequences rather than punishment IYSWIM.

Your DH's reaction sounds totally over the top and nasty, if he's normally reasonable and this is a one off then I'd explain why you don't feel it's appropriate. If he doesn't get that or does this kind of thing a lot then I'm not sure you're doing your DS any favours having him around.

Also, with a 2yo, it's the adult's responsibility to keep drinks out of reach. If anyone should be sitting in a puddle it's your DH.

No, not right - so how would you have punished him?

That is abusive. Is he going to rub your sons nose in it if he poos on the floor?

That's a horrible punishment, your DH sounds unhinged.

I'm not convinced that your reaction was appropriate either though- that behaviour is not 'annoying but normal' it's naughty. You should have reprimanded him.

I'd suggest a time out system, like the naughty step.

Hmm isn't that similar to how people USED to think it was acceptable to train dogs?

I would be very shocked by that and would look very differently at someone who thought that was an acceptable way to discipline a toddler.

It's not normal it's really naughty!! And your DH does sound a but odd but whether it was abusive depends on how he did it, what his manner was.

What a weird and inadequate man you've married! I think throw a parenting book his way....not everyone gets it right and many of us get it very very wrong. Sometimes we can be way off, especially when things surprise us.

Thanks for the responses.

When I said the behaviour was annoying but normal I didn't mean it was acceptable as I agree it was definitely naughty - rather that from a 2 year old I don't feel it was shocking enough to warrant DH's reaction.

In this situation I would usually tell him it was naughty and get him to wipe it, or sit him on the naughty step but DH lept in with his punishment before I got the chance. I was just very shocked that he thought it was ok to treat a 2 year old like that.

Also DS is only just 2

At 2 my DS would have enjoyed helping to clear it up.

I think I would keep drinks out of his way, we have a tall boy thing which drinks are out of reach on.

For punishment I think I would have taken him out of the situation and and had a talk with him. Thinking chair style.

If your dh can't see that what he's done is unacceptable, he needs his head examined parenting classes.

Am I the only one who would have simply removed the glass from this toddler's hands for fear he may have fallen on it, or that he would do exactly what he proceeded to do?

Awful. And very wrong. And yes, I probably would have kept a glass out of reach for fear of him hurting himself, but that doesn't excuse what the DH did.

I think a good rule of thumb to follow as to suitability of punishment is that it should never be humiliating. I think your DH humiliated your son, making him feel ashamed with all the association of wet trousers etc/holding him in the puddle. Nasty behaviour.

Punishment should be clear action and consequence. You spilled e drink n purpose so you get 10 minutes in your room then you have to clean up the drink.

Sorry because this is a nasty thing to hear but I think your DHs behaviour was out of line.

Yes I agree the glass should have been kept out of reach - it was just left low down by mistake. I was across the room when he picked it up and it was too late to take it from him as by the time I got there he had poured it everywhere.

He's is just two he would of had absolutely no concept of what he'd done, it would have been no different to him to tipping the bath water out of a bath cup, your Dh was way out of line and the whole point of the punishment would have been completely lost on your Ds IMO

Thank you all for your responses.

I have actually shared some of them with DH as he was refusing to see he was in the wrong. I think he was quite surprised that no one agrees with him!

We have had a chat and he does now see that what he did was not appropriate and he has grudginly said I can look into some parenting courses (I think they run some at the local school).

He just seems to have this idea that you have to be harsh on boys as they will end up spoilt if you dont - sadly he has probably got this idea from his own parents who are quite harsh and bullying. He would never do anything like that with our DD.

Poor little boy